Another "Mom's the only one who knows how to use these things" Bounty Paper Towels Commercial

Yeah, this is cute and pretty true-to-life and innocent and all that, but I still don't quite get why Big Brother isn't Big Enough to grab a few paper towels and wipe up the mess he created.  I mean, what happened to Big Brother while Mommy was giving her usual empty-headed "this is my life as a Mommy this is what I wanted in life yes it really really is" little smile as she lovingly cleans up the spill?  He just vanishes- why?  Why can't we see HIM cleaning it up?  Is it because Guys Just Don't Do Stuff Like That?

I mean, isn't the point of this ad to convince us that Bounty Paper Towels are the very best tool for cleaning up liquid messes?  Wouldn't that point be sold just as effectively if we saw Mommy's First Born doing the cleaning (he looks more than old enough to handle the extremely technical job of applying a paper towel to a spill?)  Or would that just cause heads to explode over in TV land?

Downy's Be More Huggable campaign leaves me hating pretty much everything

This ridiculously manipulative advertisement disguised as a Hallmark Channel movie or mid-afternoon glurge-talk show is four minutes and thirteen seconds long, but the product being promoted isn't revealed until the last five seconds.  And then the connection between the first 4:08 and the product is never made in any coherent manner.  And I am left wondering where the hell I go to get that 4:08 of my life back.

This commercial features three (or maybe it's four, I'm not doing this again) sets of couples talking about themselves while sitting on couches.  It's all very gooey-cute and pointless and smarmy and stupid and the only reason I didn't turn it off right away was because I caught it on YouTube and saw that it was sponsored by Downy Fabric Softener and was curious to see how the writers were going to tie this in with a chemical used to reduce static cling.  It goes on and on AND ON because I guess we are supposed to develop a kind of connection with these total strangers over the course of four minutes which makes our hearts glow and our eyes glass up (mine glazed over, but I'm kind of heartless that way)- in short, we are supposed to care about these people on our tvs because they are on our tvs and they've got these kind of inoffensive but not at all interesting stories to tell.  On TV.

At the end of this Four Minutes of Twee the couples are asked to stand up and hug each other, and now unless you've totally bought in and feel like you've known these people all your life it's pretty uncomfortable (the kid hitting the same three notes on the keyboard to provide "dramatic" background music doesn't help) and we get the sinking feeling that the previous 240 seconds were all about getting to the part where they rub each other's clothes which are so soft and rubable because hey,  Downy!

And then it's over except for the ubiquitous hashtag thing provided for the seriously damaged losers who want to "learn more" (it would be kind of hard to "learn less.")  How about Hashtag Get Your Minutes Back?  Because when I'm on my deathbed, I'm going to remember the four minutes Downy stole from my life.   If you haven't watched this video, please don't bother and just send me a thank-you note instead.  If you got through the whole thing, welcome to the very exclusive club.  Let's keep our membership a secret, shall we?

The Scariest Commercial I've Ever Seen- and one of the most effective

I was going to call this "the most effective commercial I've ever seen," but I think that title still belongs to the ad I saw when I was about five years old which was aired to combat attempts by conservatives in Congress to gut Medicare- that one featured a solitary old woman opening a can of cat food as her pet purred and rubbed itself against her legs, and then putting the cat food on a dish next to a half-dozen crackers.  Even at five, I understood that this old woman- who could be My Grandmother- was about to eat cat food because she couldn't afford food and medication.  I bet I saw that commercial no more than two or three times, more than forty years ago- and I never forgot it.

It's pretty rare for a commercial to have an impact like that, I think.  I mean, I've probably seen more than 100,000 television ads over the past-- umm, several decades--- and I can only remember a few from my early childhood.  That Medicare ad.  The one with the "Johnny Smoke" cartoon character who rides into town and kills people by getting them hooked on cigarettes.  Mr. Yuck reminding us that the stuff mom keeps under the sink can make us dead dead dead ("Mr Yuck is green....Mr Yuck is MEAN!")   And there was that traffic safety ad which showed a mother screaming when she saw that the corpse under the sheet was her child, struck by a car....yeah, those stayed with me.  But very few others.

I think this is another of those very unique, powerfully effective ads that will stay with people for a long time- maybe a lifetime.  Both the drivers in this ad made a mistake- one pulled out because he "thought he had enough time."  The other was driving too fast (Jesus, 100 MPH?  Is that normal in Australia?)  The result is that everyone in this commercial is going to die- including the innocent, sweet-looking kid in the back seat, who just assumed that Dad would get him around safe because hey, he's Dad.

There's nothing to be done, because once you've made a mistake like this, you have to accept the consequences.  There's no turning back the clock.  Pretty damned powerful.

Now, why can't we make ads like this in the US?  How about ones featuring people killing each other in their cars because they "just had to" look at their cell phones "for just a moment?"  They could just copy what we see here- the texter gets out of his car and apologizes to the guy and his children for killing them because he thought that responding to message # 314 received today was more important than keeping his eye on the road.  Why don't we see ads like this?  It's certainly not because they aren't needed.  Could it have something to do with the unholy alliance between cell phone companies and car companies to convince us that "connectivity" can be both constant and safe if we just buy cars with enough "safety" features like electronic warning systems and "hands-free" distractions?

Instead (at least here in the DC area) we get stupid posters featuring people with tire tracks on their faces, gently reminding drivers that hey, there are other human beings out there trying to get from Point A to Point B without being run over because you "needed" to send that email or check that score again.  They are more silly than scary, and I haven't met anyone who thinks that they are effective reminders to pay the hell attention.  And when that campaign is over, I don't believe that anyone is going to remember it as much more than a lame joke.

A few ads like the ones they dare put on TV in Australia?  Hey, that might work.  Might not, too- sometimes I wonder if anything can get the techno-addicted morons off their phones and their eyes back on the road.  Worth a try though, don't you think?

Taco Bell's Hashtag Obesity Campaign

Hash Browns/Hashtag.  Get it?  Me too.  Don't think it's funny? Me neither.

Nor do I think that old geezers bitching endlessly about the greasy crud people are eating is funny either.  In fact, I've never thought that old geezers being portrayed as comic foils in commercials or sitcoms is funny.  Not ever.  Not even once.

And I sure don't think that this hash browns inside a bacon and cheese taco breakfast sandwich thing is a good idea AT ALL.  And it's not because I'm an old geezer.  I'm not.  It's because we are already the fattest nation that has ever existed, on a planet in which half the population goes to bed hungry every night, and we seem obsessed with finding new ways to kill ourselves with our food instead of oh, I don't know, eating less and eating sensibly.

If this is the "next generation of breakfast," it's more and more likely we've seen the last generation of healthy Americans, as refusing to eat oneself to death seems to have gone out of style.  Ah well, it was fun while it lasted.

DirecTV ramps up the Sexism. Anyone want to defend this?

Maybe someone over at DirecTV reads my blog?  Or (more likely) someone over there noticed the YouTube comments?

  Either way- maybe someone who gave the thumbs-up to this ridiculous, disgusting, insulting ad campaign saw that there are actually a few people who DON'T find it a blatantly sexist farce and figured "ok, let's see if it's possible to get EVERYONE angry."

Because there's got to be a reason for this ad, which features a deeply insecure puppet-wife stripping and dancing for her guy and begging for affirmation.  "Am I pretty?  How about if I dance like this?  How about now?"  Ugh.

And the guy just sitting on the bed isn't just dealing with his partner's desperation.  He's enjoying it.  Please.

Come on, DirecTV.  You aren't pushing the envelope anymore.  You have decided that grossing out your audience is better than being ignored by it, and that you'd rather have us hate your company than be indifferent to it.  Mission Accomplished.

Anyone out there STILL think these are just innocent, goofy little nuggets of inoffensive dumb?  Because I'm sure they can get worse.  And I'm sure they will.  Just keep defending this crap.  Just keep telling me to "lighten up," or explain how DirecTV is advertised exclusively to men (and of course all men just love ads which objectify women as sex toys.)  Go ahead, tell me this is "just a commercial" and I need to get a life.  Because I'm pretty sure DirecTV isn't going to stop serving up this increasingly bizarre garbage until the most chauvinistic cretins out there finally respond with "oh wait-- that's a bit over the top, even for me."

It was only a matter of time before Friskies brought us this

It's LSD for cats.

And it's official.  This is the end of the world.  In my opinion, it was overrated, and it won't be missed.

When you spread your "joy," could you keep the f--k out of my neighborhood?

Um, seriously, Nissan?

I have often accused commercial producers of living in some weird fantasy world in which they think people really, really enjoy watching others be total douchnozzles, or at least shrug off the douchnozzlery of society with a shrug, a nod and a "whaddayagonnado?"  But Nissan has really taken it up a notch with this one.

According to this ad, what really makes us happy is listening to other people's taste in music, blaring out of their awesome Bose sound systems installed in their even more awesome Japanese imports.  When we hear it, we smile and give a big thumbs-up because hey, we weren't doing anything like reading or listening to our own music or just thinking and taking in the world.  We were just waiting for someone to come along with speakers big and powerful enough to let us know exactly what someone else likes to listen to, because we all have exactly the same taste in music.*

I know we all have exactly the same taste in music because I ride the DC Metrorail system pretty much every day, and if we didn't all have exactly the same taste in music the very thoughtful dicktards sharing the subway with me wouldn't be so kind as to use earbuds which allow their- umm-- "music" to carry throughout the car.  They'd figure "hey, I want to listen to my sound, but I don't know if anyone else wants to, so I'd better wear actual headphones or turn down my volume."  Thank goodness we all love the same music, huh?

So Nissan has this exactly right, don't they?  We all get a kick of suddenly being jarred by the dulcet tones of heavy bass, or crap '60s music, or whatever, be it at 2 PM or 2 AM, coming past our cars or our homes- doesn't matter, it's great because like I said, we all have the same taste in music and it's all about sharing.  Right?

So why do I hope that the people who made this commercial spent an eternity in a very special hell in which massive car speakers are forever blaring Mony Mony** or something that doesn't have lyrics but is just the rhythmic pounding bass which is mysteriously popular in every suburb in the United States, especially between 1 and 4 AM, when we would probably be deprived of it if not for the very thoughtful people who are kind enough to roll through our neighborhoods with their windows down?  Must be something wrong with me.

*Let's cut to the chase.  People who blare music from leaky earphones or car stereo systems are sociopaths, pure and simple.   They aren't clueless.  They know exactly what they are doing, and they simply don't give a flying damn if they are bothering anyone- in fact, I suspect that bothering people is precisely their goal.   I don't know what caused them to be such bitter, angry dicktards, and I frankly don't really care.  I just hope that there is an afterlife worthy of their deeds waiting for them.

**which eight-year old kids on a school bus are somehow familiar with.  Uh-huh.  WTF-ever, Nissan.