To the Dad in this booking.com commercial

1.  One son is still a pale stupid fat doofus who is way, way too old to be "losing his shoes" on the plane.  Seriously- the next time your mom suggests that you take care of that paint chip issue before your wife gives birth, listen to her.

2.  Another son  "didn't get to the air sickness bag on time?"  That means he made the flight a real joy for your fellow passengers, too.  For them I say "thanks, asshole.  Next time, invest three bucks in a bottle of Dramamine, even if that WOULD constitute thinking about other people for once."

3.  Your daughter is still a vapid, sneering, ungrateful twerp who isn't going to suddenly be glad to be on a family trip because the hotel room is nice.  In three minutes she'll find out if the WiFi is working .  If it's not, it won't matter how nice the view is or how many couches there are, she's going to make the rest of the week a living hell.

4.  Your wife is looking at you like "wow, you finally did something right.  Only took 16 years, asshole."

5.  You are an ugly doofus who should never have been permitted to pass his genes on to the next generation.  I need to talk to your kids because at some point, this damage should be called to a halt.

6.  In the end, your awful ugly family is now just an awful ugly family in a nice hotel room.  Everyone else just hopes you all like the room so much that you just stay there until it's time to catch a cab to the airport.  Glue your son's shoes to his feet and an air sickness bag to his chin.  If you are visiting Aruba, see if anyone in the hotel bar is interested in taking Daughter off your hands.  Because even I'm not mean enough to want you to go right back to the way things were when the vacation is over.

Yeah, Right, Apple. This is what becomes of your technology. Sure it is.

Look, if people really use this stupid toy to encourage them to stop being disgusting, lazy couch potatoes and actually get off their overfed asses and do things, great.  More power to them.  I don't need to have every bit of exercise I partake in to be monitored and graphed and compared and listed and stored but if that's what it takes, fine.  (Full disclosure- I DO wear a Garmin and I DO keep track of my day hikes, and it DOES encourage me to push on a little longer, walk a little faster, etc.  So I totally get it.)

But don't tell me that more than one-tenth of one percent of people who own these things actually use them in this way.  Don't tell me that when 99.9 percent of your other commercials show people slouched in chairs watching, texting and gabbing away while burning fewer calories than most coma patients.  Don't EVEN try.  Because I KNOW iPhone users, and NONE of them are using their phones to do anything more strenouos than finding the nearest McDonalds.  Sorry.

Oh, and "Chicken Fat?"  Really?  Hey Apple, want to make a contribution toward winning the war against obesity?  Stop making it possible to run our lives by scrolling a finger along a screen.  That would be a good start.  Not this BS.

We Offer You This Opportunity To Work For Us For Free

Thank you for your stay at the Galt House Hotel

On behalf of the Galt House Hotel I would like to thank you for choosing to stay with us. It was our pleasure to have you as our honored Guest, and we look forward to your next visit.

Please take a few moments to go to the Internet link listed below. This will take you to a short survey about your stay. We realize your time is valuable but it is through feedback and input from our Guests that we are able to meet, and exceed, your expectations. The information we receive from you will be reviewed by the management staff of our resort to ensure that we are consistently offering the highest levels of service, in functional and relaxing surroundings.

Please click here  To take the survey. If you cannot click on the link, you may copy and paste the address below into your Internet browser:

Once after a long trip on Amtrak (is there any other kind?) I was handed a four-page survey to complete which asked me to rate my "experience" in about 230 different categories.  Seriously, Amtrak didn't figure it was enough that I purchased a ticket and was provided a service in exchange.  They felt entitled to another hour of my time when it was over to give them what amounted to an inspection.

Now, the form from this particular hotel isn't quite as obnoxious- it would have taken me much less time to just fill it out and click it back to them than it took to write this post- but the philosophy still bugs me.  Why do passenger train services, airlines, restaurants, hotels etc. feel so entitled to our time that they are forever throwing surveys like this at us?  If I had a specific problem, I would have complained about it without being prompted.  I don't need or welcome "invitations" to have the "opportunity" to scroll down a checklist of items to let the provider of a service I've already paid for know how well they did in providing it.

What I find especially irritating about these surveys is that they offer no incentive in return for our time.  How about a coupon for a free drink the next time we take that plane or stay at that hotel?  A few years back, I complained to The Galt House about their policy of charging guests to use the gym (yes, they actually do this- $10 a week.)  I got back a very polite email thanking me for my input but no explanation for the policy, which is still in place.  Know what would have been nicer?   A free week of gym use the next time I stayed.  Anything to illustrate that they ACTUALLY "realize that our time is valuable."

 Why should my time be provided for free to a company that charged ME for the service?  Does anyone who did not have a specific problem fill these things out?  If so, why?

(BTW, this really is a beautiful hotel, though I don't think Lauren sells it very well here. I'd recommend it to anyone staying in Louisville.  I just hate the whole survey thing.)

Someone kick this dirtbag in the head and bury him in his own BMW

1.  Hey, let's flip the script, shall we?  I'm guessing that Miss America isn't going to see your unshaven slob self on the street some day and think "oh man, I let that guy slip right through my fingers!"  How F---ng arrogant can you get- this guy clearly figures that if he had just held on to Miss Braces and Freckles in High School she would have stayed  with him as she blossomed into a gorgeous beauty- and he remained an unshaven slob troll.   Hey, guess what, buddy?  She would have figured out she could do a lot better, and your ass would have been handed a one-way ticket to Dumpsville (Population: You.)

2.  Yeah, because missing out on an investment opportunity* is EXACTLY the same as not buying this year's overpriced disgusting conspicuous consumption BMW (like they are going to sell out?  Like there's not going to be another overpriced disgusting conspicuous consumption LookAtMeMobile BMW released next year?  Like these things are an "investment" that DON'T depreciate the moment you drive them off the lot?  Please.)

F-- everyone involved in this crap.  You people make me sick.

*Let's not fail to note that missing out on the great investment doesn't forestall his purchase of a brand new BMW.  Hand me a fucking hankie, I'm so broken up over your lost opportunity, dickwad.

Discover yet another pointlessly stupid ad, inspiring a few random thoughts....

... If one twin knows the other works for Discover Card, why didn't she just ask her about this whole free credit score thing?

...Ok, maybe they were seperated at birth.  One lives in a palatial suburban estate where she relaxes in an immaculately clean room cared for by her Nicaraguan cleaning crew and checks out her credit card balance on her HD Tablet.  The other one works a phone bank in Pakistan.  Luck of the draw, I guess.

...."Awesome Sauce?"  What the hell is that?  More proof that life is really unfair, I guess.  "Awesome Sauce" has no business being in that nice house.  Stick her in the Pakistan-based phone bank*, and give her sister a chance at the good life in the suburbs.

Seriously.  "Awesome Sauce?"

*Anyone else think that the portrayal of the phone bank is total BS?  I mean, seriously- gleaming white and immaculately clean,  with friendly little decorations, and with the employees seated at their own desks?  Hell, I bet they aren't even allowed to have drinks at their work stations.

Another "Mom's the only one who knows how to use these things" Bounty Paper Towels Commercial

Yeah, this is cute and pretty true-to-life and innocent and all that, but I still don't quite get why Big Brother isn't Big Enough to grab a few paper towels and wipe up the mess he created.  I mean, what happened to Big Brother while Mommy was giving her usual empty-headed "this is my life as a Mommy this is what I wanted in life yes it really really is" little smile as she lovingly cleans up the spill?  He just vanishes- why?  Why can't we see HIM cleaning it up?  Is it because Guys Just Don't Do Stuff Like That?

I mean, isn't the point of this ad to convince us that Bounty Paper Towels are the very best tool for cleaning up liquid messes?  Wouldn't that point be sold just as effectively if we saw Mommy's First Born doing the cleaning (he looks more than old enough to handle the extremely technical job of applying a paper towel to a spill?)  Or would that just cause heads to explode over in TV land?

Downy's Be More Huggable campaign leaves me hating pretty much everything

This ridiculously manipulative advertisement disguised as a Hallmark Channel movie or mid-afternoon glurge-talk show is four minutes and thirteen seconds long, but the product being promoted isn't revealed until the last five seconds.  And then the connection between the first 4:08 and the product is never made in any coherent manner.  And I am left wondering where the hell I go to get that 4:08 of my life back.

This commercial features three (or maybe it's four, I'm not doing this again) sets of couples talking about themselves while sitting on couches.  It's all very gooey-cute and pointless and smarmy and stupid and the only reason I didn't turn it off right away was because I caught it on YouTube and saw that it was sponsored by Downy Fabric Softener and was curious to see how the writers were going to tie this in with a chemical used to reduce static cling.  It goes on and on AND ON because I guess we are supposed to develop a kind of connection with these total strangers over the course of four minutes which makes our hearts glow and our eyes glass up (mine glazed over, but I'm kind of heartless that way)- in short, we are supposed to care about these people on our tvs because they are on our tvs and they've got these kind of inoffensive but not at all interesting stories to tell.  On TV.

At the end of this Four Minutes of Twee the couples are asked to stand up and hug each other, and now unless you've totally bought in and feel like you've known these people all your life it's pretty uncomfortable (the kid hitting the same three notes on the keyboard to provide "dramatic" background music doesn't help) and we get the sinking feeling that the previous 240 seconds were all about getting to the part where they rub each other's clothes which are so soft and rubable because hey,  Downy!

And then it's over except for the ubiquitous hashtag thing provided for the seriously damaged losers who want to "learn more" (it would be kind of hard to "learn less.")  How about Hashtag Get Your Minutes Back?  Because when I'm on my deathbed, I'm going to remember the four minutes Downy stole from my life.   If you haven't watched this video, please don't bother and just send me a thank-you note instead.  If you got through the whole thing, welcome to the very exclusive club.  Let's keep our membership a secret, shall we?