A few questions for this Humira patient....

1.  If you are sick of explaining your skin issues with "yet another stylist," why do you keep changing stylists?  I mean, it's not like you are having anything done with your hair that any competent barber couldn't pull off. (Seriously- you go to a stylist to achieve THESE hairstyles?  Got money to burn, do we?)

2.  How many freaking times a year does this woman go to a stylist?  Does she ever do anything else?  Judging from this commercial, she must be popping in to "yet another new stylist" every two weeks.

3.  Oh wait-- is the reason why you keep changing stylists because you keep freaking out stylists with your skin condition, they recoil in horror, and "politely" ask you to find somewhere else to have your weekly do-up?  Well, that's mean.

And one question for the makers of these ads-- why must drug patients always be shown walking in slow motion?  It's not on the list of horrible side effects* after all.

*Personally, I think this woman would be wiser to tell her stylist "I could take a drug which might get rid of my nasty red skin, but I don't want to risk a heart attack or any number of other problems associated with the drug which are all far worse than nasty red skin,  so you'll just have to deal with being kind of grossed out for a few minutes, ok?"

This Taco Bell ad gets it half right.

This would almost be a cute commercial if I wasn't too busy being creeped out by the fact that the guy takes one glance at a girl he's never met and is instantly fantasizing about getting her pregnant AND being old together.  I'm sorry, but that's just stalkerish and obsessive and just too damn weird for me.  It's almost as bad as that idiot dreaming about spending the day with Flo the Freakishly Pale Zombie from those Progressive Insurance ads.

I do like the girl's much more realistic, sensible, sane reaction (if wanting to eat a taco wrapped in a pizza can be described as "sane.")

Budweiser loves our vets like a rat loves a bag of popcorn

1.  Why does this one soldier get the red carpet treatment from Budweiser?  Could it be because he's got an appropriately pretty girlfriend/wife?  Why do I doubt he would have been honored like this if he had been single and without silver-haired parents, with only a nondescript brother or cousin to meet him at the airport?

Could it be because he hails from an appropriately Norman Rockwell-ish Real American Home Town with hay fields and pollen flying about and dirt roads and fences and a small population where Everyone Knows Everyone ElseTM and Attends The Same ChurchTM?

Could it be because he's coming home without any noticeable scars, no missing limbs, and with a big contented "hey I was just doing my job and now I'm back and I'm exactly the same guy I was BEFORE I spent a great deal of time in a war zone seeing things that no normal human being can see without being deeply impacted by the experience?

Could it be because he's white?

Could it be because he's white?

Could it be because he's WHITE?

Unless Budweiser plans to do this for EVERY veteran, this cloying bullshit isn't patriotic or even generous.  It's just manipulative and gross.

2.  I've never known a soldier who would even WANT a reaction like this.  Every soldier I've ever known would be mortified by the attention, not to mention really, really pissed off at being blatantly exploited by a fucking beer company.

3.  Once Budweiser is done using this vet and his home town, are they going to hang around to help him get a job and become acclimated with civilian life?  Or will summer (Beer Season) be over along with their interest in this guy?  Gee, why do I find that not a difficult question to answer?

Samsung's latest is brilliant in it's pointless stupidity

Check out the flashing lights!  Check out the disconnected images!

Check out how easy it is to dump your old phone company and your old phone!  Just trade in that old clunker and sign with us, and we'll pay your early termination fees no problem, and you'll have a brand new phone you'll be buying from our company!

At no point in this ad will we make even the slightest effort to convince you of a good reason to do any of this!  But then again, we haven't really felt the need to "sell" our phones to our drooling gimme gimme gimme audience for years!  Just sign up with us and get a new Samsung phone and dump your old contract just 'cause we make it easy come on do it right now!

Is the Samsung better than the phone you have?  Who cares shut up just let us pay off your fees and sign up! Is the contract you are being hustled into signing better than your old one?  What part of "who cares shut up" did you not understand?

Still wondering if this is the right thing to do?  What is your deal?  Can't you see the flashing lights and disconnected images?  Look how much fun these young people are happening!  Don't you want some of this?  Then what are you waiting for???

When the Trailer Screams "Don't Say We Didn't Warn You"

How do we know this movie is just an awful, awful waste of time and money when we could have been watching paint dry or picking lint out of the clothes dryer or buying lottery tickets?

This is the clip the filmmakers used to try to draw us in.

Anyone who goes to see this movie and walks out thinking "that was a terrible waste of time and I want a refund" should keep their mouths shut.  I mean, come on- a Too Old For This So Yesterday Cameron Diaz and a guy yelling "Scooooooooooooooooooooooooore?"  You have no excuse, sorry.  Call it Stupid Tax.

Here's a better question- why are you working on your laptop at McDonalds when there's a Starbucks next door?

Notice how people in McDonald's commercials act even dumber and other-worldly than people in non-McDonald's commercials?

To the black woman who was paid to look "deep in thought" at the question "why is McDonald's trying to convince us that watered-down fountain soda tastes better than canned soda?"*-- I don't think you got paid enough, considering your dignity is gone forever.

To the woman who first wasted everyone's time and decided that her family and friends knowing what a pathetic, lifeless loser she was wasn't enough and the entire planet needed to experience the vapid nothing that is her life by posting a picture of herself kissing a cup of soda and asking her stupid question- ugh, you are a disgusting waste of skin twat.  But hey, you went "viral."  If only that meant you were going to die of some horrible disease now.

*Yeah, I know that's not the question.  But seriously- if anyone thinks Coca-Cola "tastes better" at McDonalds, it's because they associate it with french fries.  Or they've never had soda out of a can.  Because soda doesn't "taste better" at McDonalds- the flavor is dulled and you can taste the cardboard of the cup.  It's just cheap.

To the Dad in this booking.com commercial

1.  One son is still a pale stupid fat doofus who is way, way too old to be "losing his shoes" on the plane.  Seriously- the next time your mom suggests that you take care of that paint chip issue before your wife gives birth, listen to her.

2.  Another son  "didn't get to the air sickness bag on time?"  That means he made the flight a real joy for your fellow passengers, too.  For them I say "thanks, asshole.  Next time, invest three bucks in a bottle of Dramamine, even if that WOULD constitute thinking about other people for once."

3.  Your daughter is still a vapid, sneering, ungrateful twerp who isn't going to suddenly be glad to be on a family trip because the hotel room is nice.  In three minutes she'll find out if the WiFi is working .  If it's not, it won't matter how nice the view is or how many couches there are, she's going to make the rest of the week a living hell.

4.  Your wife is looking at you like "wow, you finally did something right.  Only took 16 years, asshole."

5.  You are an ugly doofus who should never have been permitted to pass his genes on to the next generation.  I need to talk to your kids because at some point, this damage should be called to a halt.

6.  In the end, your awful ugly family is now just an awful ugly family in a nice hotel room.  Everyone else just hopes you all like the room so much that you just stay there until it's time to catch a cab to the airport.  Glue your son's shoes to his feet and an air sickness bag to his chin.  If you are visiting Aruba, see if anyone in the hotel bar is interested in taking Daughter off your hands.  Because even I'm not mean enough to want you to go right back to the way things were when the vacation is over.