This is how they buy cars in Notheastern Ohio, I guess

The woman in this ad was so impressed that a car salesman was willing to rush a sale because she "only had an hour" to get herself a new car that she agreed to do this testimonial.  Yeah, lady, that guy deserves a freaking medal- we all know that car salesmen would much rather go slow, talk you through each option, give you all the opportunity in the world to think it over, maybe even back out for now...

YEAH, RIGHT!

This car salesman tells us that he was in a mad rush to get the sale done because he "wanted to make sure she got to work on time."  Um, no, sorry, that's not how it happened.  It's more like "this woman is in a hurry, she wants a car RIGHT NOW, and if I can just breeze through this in less than an hour I'll have her signature on a piece of paper and her idiot body out the door before my first coffee break"- I'm surprised he managed to avoid the fist pump and "KA-CHING!" sound effect.

Seriously, I don't care what this woman's schedule is- this is NOT the way to buy a freaking car!  Get a ride to work for a few days, and go to the dealer on the weekend, when you have all the time in the world to bargain your way to the best deal.  I can just see this woman breathlessly dashing into this place waving her check book and shouting "I need a car but I've only got an hour, who do I give this money to someone PLEASE sign me up and give me some keys!"  The guy who closed the sale must have knocked down two of his colleagues to get to her.  She didn't even give herself time to test drive it, let alone check out the interior and all the bells and whistles.  I've had second thoughts about cars I've purchased after three hours in the dealership and another twenty minutes on the road.   How could someone with more than half a brain do what this moron does?

While these cops were assuming the guy in the Audi was important.....

.....the shortage of motorcycle cops resulted in:

....several African-Amerian motorists managing to get to their destinations without being pulled over for Driving While Black.

.... several African- American teens violating social norms while flagrantly and blatantly walking through white neighborhoods without being "politely" asked what they were doing there by a cop.

.... thousands of commuters noticing that the ride home is much smoother and considerably less stressful when police don't use  their autos as pace cars to slow traffic down to a crawl.

... two convenience stores in poor neighborhoods being robbed because hey, Someone Important Needed To Get Somewhere And Needed An Escort.

All is forgiven, howeve, if the motorcycle cops cite the Suburban Douchenozzle for being a Suburban Douchnozzle and haul him in on a charge of Overbearing Self-Satisfaction Unbecoming a Human Being Living in Society.

Great Message, Miller

"A little skittish about doing something illegal?  Consume some alcohol.  That will remove your inhibitions and make you a man."

It's an ancient message, but not one I really thought I'd see actually used in a beer commercial.  Having the typecast villain from Sherlock Holmes and Robin Hood try to sell it doesn't help, either.

Hey Miller, for your next ad maybe you should show a guy trying to convince a woman to have sex with him. When she expresses uncertainty, have this creepy actor guy suggest putting a few Millers into her. Have him say "Fortune favors the Bold" or something.  Hey, might as well go for broke, right?

BTW, this ad becomes an instant favorite if they tack on a sequel showing the guy with beer-induced stupidity disguised as courage getting beaten into a bloody pulp by the bouncers and tossed back on the street, only to have Creepy Instigator offer him another beer- "hey, it's a painkiller, too."

A few questions for this Humira patient....

1.  If you are sick of explaining your skin issues with "yet another stylist," why do you keep changing stylists?  I mean, it's not like you are having anything done with your hair that any competent barber couldn't pull off. (Seriously- you go to a stylist to achieve THESE hairstyles?  Got money to burn, do we?)

2.  How many freaking times a year does this woman go to a stylist?  Does she ever do anything else?  Judging from this commercial, she must be popping in to "yet another new stylist" every two weeks.

3.  Oh wait-- is the reason why you keep changing stylists because you keep freaking out stylists with your skin condition, they recoil in horror, and "politely" ask you to find somewhere else to have your weekly do-up?  Well, that's mean.

And one question for the makers of these ads-- why must drug patients always be shown walking in slow motion?  It's not on the list of horrible side effects* after all.

*Personally, I think this woman would be wiser to tell her stylist "I could take a drug which might get rid of my nasty red skin, but I don't want to risk a heart attack or any number of other problems associated with the drug which are all far worse than nasty red skin,  so you'll just have to deal with being kind of grossed out for a few minutes, ok?"

This Taco Bell ad gets it half right.

This would almost be a cute commercial if I wasn't too busy being creeped out by the fact that the guy takes one glance at a girl he's never met and is instantly fantasizing about getting her pregnant AND being old together.  I'm sorry, but that's just stalkerish and obsessive and just too damn weird for me.  It's almost as bad as that idiot dreaming about spending the day with Flo the Freakishly Pale Zombie from those Progressive Insurance ads.

I do like the girl's much more realistic, sensible, sane reaction (if wanting to eat a taco wrapped in a pizza can be described as "sane.")

Budweiser loves our vets like a rat loves a bag of popcorn

1.  Why does this one soldier get the red carpet treatment from Budweiser?  Could it be because he's got an appropriately pretty girlfriend/wife?  Why do I doubt he would have been honored like this if he had been single and without silver-haired parents, with only a nondescript brother or cousin to meet him at the airport?

Could it be because he hails from an appropriately Norman Rockwell-ish Real American Home Town with hay fields and pollen flying about and dirt roads and fences and a small population where Everyone Knows Everyone ElseTM and Attends The Same ChurchTM?

Could it be because he's coming home without any noticeable scars, no missing limbs, and with a big contented "hey I was just doing my job and now I'm back and I'm exactly the same guy I was BEFORE I spent a great deal of time in a war zone seeing things that no normal human being can see without being deeply impacted by the experience?

Could it be because he's white?

Could it be because he's white?

Could it be because he's WHITE?

Unless Budweiser plans to do this for EVERY veteran, this cloying bullshit isn't patriotic or even generous.  It's just manipulative and gross.

2.  I've never known a soldier who would even WANT a reaction like this.  Every soldier I've ever known would be mortified by the attention, not to mention really, really pissed off at being blatantly exploited by a fucking beer company.

3.  Once Budweiser is done using this vet and his home town, are they going to hang around to help him get a job and become acclimated with civilian life?  Or will summer (Beer Season) be over along with their interest in this guy?  Gee, why do I find that not a difficult question to answer?

Samsung's latest is brilliant in it's pointless stupidity

Check out the flashing lights!  Check out the disconnected images!

Check out how easy it is to dump your old phone company and your old phone!  Just trade in that old clunker and sign with us, and we'll pay your early termination fees no problem, and you'll have a brand new phone you'll be buying from our company!

At no point in this ad will we make even the slightest effort to convince you of a good reason to do any of this!  But then again, we haven't really felt the need to "sell" our phones to our drooling gimme gimme gimme audience for years!  Just sign up with us and get a new Samsung phone and dump your old contract just 'cause we make it easy come on do it right now!

Is the Samsung better than the phone you have?  Who cares shut up just let us pay off your fees and sign up! Is the contract you are being hustled into signing better than your old one?  What part of "who cares shut up" did you not understand?

Still wondering if this is the right thing to do?  What is your deal?  Can't you see the flashing lights and disconnected images?  Look how much fun these young people are happening!  Don't you want some of this?  Then what are you waiting for???