Stupid Insurance for Stupid People

When a relative dies, that relative is DEAD.  That relative doesn't give a flying damn what kind of box you put him in before you drop him into a hole in the ground- in fact, he doesn't even care if you don't do that.

My grandparents were both cremated.  Their ashes sat in matching cardboard boxes in the basement for several years before I accidentally came across them while doing some re-arranging.  We had simply forgotten that they were there.  I took them outside and scattered them.  Then I threw the cardboard boxes away.  Done and done.

There is ZERO reason why "the average funeral costs $7500."  Well, sorry, there is ONE reason- because people are morons with money and feel they need to put on some kind of show to "honor" the corpse (seems to me it would make a lot more sense to throw a $7500 party BEFORE the guy is dead, but that's just me...)

Donate the cadaver to a med school.  Go with cremation (like EVERYONE in my family.)  Skip the morbid party with sad people and sandwiches and this body wearing an expensive suit sitting in an ornate box which will never be seen by anyone ever again after that day.  It's the 21st century, people.  Trust me.  The guy in the box DOESN'T CARE.

If I'm totally wrong and there is a spirit world, I know my parents would be pissed to no end if they looked down from Wherever Spirits Go and saw their children go into debt to dress up their spent remains for display before tossing dirt on them.  So we aren't going to be doing that.  So we don't need this ridiculous "burial insurance."  See how easy that was?

Even if "whatever happens" includes a crippling spinal injury?

There's no way you can "drink responsibly" AND be an adult using a slip and slide.  Adult bodies are simply not built to handle the stress of sudden halts which come with these things.  Flexible, growing children?  Probably ok.  Adults? NO.

Don't take my word for it.  Ask any doctor specializing in spinal injuries.  This commercil is encouraging people to "drink responsibility" and act irresponsibly.  Doesn't really make a whole hell of a lot of sense- but then again, this is an ad for lime-flavored Budweiser, so what should I expect?

This is how they buy cars in Notheastern Ohio, I guess

The woman in this ad was so impressed that a car salesman was willing to rush a sale because she "only had an hour" to get herself a new car that she agreed to do this testimonial.  Yeah, lady, that guy deserves a freaking medal- we all know that car salesmen would much rather go slow, talk you through each option, give you all the opportunity in the world to think it over, maybe even back out for now...

YEAH, RIGHT!

This car salesman tells us that he was in a mad rush to get the sale done because he "wanted to make sure she got to work on time."  Um, no, sorry, that's not how it happened.  It's more like "this woman is in a hurry, she wants a car RIGHT NOW, and if I can just breeze through this in less than an hour I'll have her signature on a piece of paper and her idiot body out the door before my first coffee break"- I'm surprised he managed to avoid the fist pump and "KA-CHING!" sound effect.

Seriously, I don't care what this woman's schedule is- this is NOT the way to buy a freaking car!  Get a ride to work for a few days, and go to the dealer on the weekend, when you have all the time in the world to bargain your way to the best deal.  I can just see this woman breathlessly dashing into this place waving her check book and shouting "I need a car but I've only got an hour, who do I give this money to someone PLEASE sign me up and give me some keys!"  The guy who closed the sale must have knocked down two of his colleagues to get to her.  She didn't even give herself time to test drive it, let alone check out the interior and all the bells and whistles.  I've had second thoughts about cars I've purchased after three hours in the dealership and another twenty minutes on the road.   How could someone with more than half a brain do what this moron does?

While these cops were assuming the guy in the Audi was important.....

.....the shortage of motorcycle cops resulted in:

....several African-Amerian motorists managing to get to their destinations without being pulled over for Driving While Black.

.... several African- American teens violating social norms while flagrantly and blatantly walking through white neighborhoods without being "politely" asked what they were doing there by a cop.

.... thousands of commuters noticing that the ride home is much smoother and considerably less stressful when police don't use  their autos as pace cars to slow traffic down to a crawl.

... two convenience stores in poor neighborhoods being robbed because hey, Someone Important Needed To Get Somewhere And Needed An Escort.

All is forgiven, howeve, if the motorcycle cops cite the Suburban Douchenozzle for being a Suburban Douchnozzle and haul him in on a charge of Overbearing Self-Satisfaction Unbecoming a Human Being Living in Society.

Great Message, Miller

"A little skittish about doing something illegal?  Consume some alcohol.  That will remove your inhibitions and make you a man."

It's an ancient message, but not one I really thought I'd see actually used in a beer commercial.  Having the typecast villain from Sherlock Holmes and Robin Hood try to sell it doesn't help, either.

Hey Miller, for your next ad maybe you should show a guy trying to convince a woman to have sex with him. When she expresses uncertainty, have this creepy actor guy suggest putting a few Millers into her. Have him say "Fortune favors the Bold" or something.  Hey, might as well go for broke, right?

BTW, this ad becomes an instant favorite if they tack on a sequel showing the guy with beer-induced stupidity disguised as courage getting beaten into a bloody pulp by the bouncers and tossed back on the street, only to have Creepy Instigator offer him another beer- "hey, it's a painkiller, too."

A few questions for this Humira patient....

1.  If you are sick of explaining your skin issues with "yet another stylist," why do you keep changing stylists?  I mean, it's not like you are having anything done with your hair that any competent barber couldn't pull off. (Seriously- you go to a stylist to achieve THESE hairstyles?  Got money to burn, do we?)

2.  How many freaking times a year does this woman go to a stylist?  Does she ever do anything else?  Judging from this commercial, she must be popping in to "yet another new stylist" every two weeks.

3.  Oh wait-- is the reason why you keep changing stylists because you keep freaking out stylists with your skin condition, they recoil in horror, and "politely" ask you to find somewhere else to have your weekly do-up?  Well, that's mean.

And one question for the makers of these ads-- why must drug patients always be shown walking in slow motion?  It's not on the list of horrible side effects* after all.

*Personally, I think this woman would be wiser to tell her stylist "I could take a drug which might get rid of my nasty red skin, but I don't want to risk a heart attack or any number of other problems associated with the drug which are all far worse than nasty red skin,  so you'll just have to deal with being kind of grossed out for a few minutes, ok?"

This Taco Bell ad gets it half right.

This would almost be a cute commercial if I wasn't too busy being creeped out by the fact that the guy takes one glance at a girl he's never met and is instantly fantasizing about getting her pregnant AND being old together.  I'm sorry, but that's just stalkerish and obsessive and just too damn weird for me.  It's almost as bad as that idiot dreaming about spending the day with Flo the Freakishly Pale Zombie from those Progressive Insurance ads.

I do like the girl's much more realistic, sensible, sane reaction (if wanting to eat a taco wrapped in a pizza can be described as "sane.")