Sargento's Perfect Pairing: Your Money and Sargento

This commercial has exactly one message: that it's a really good idea to buy cheese in the most economically stupid way imaginable.

It's not rocket science, people.  The smaller the unit you purchase, the more you are paying.  Cheese is expensive enough already, but anyone who knows anything about shopping knows that the way to save money when buying it is to go for the largest block you know you will be able to consume while it's at peak flavor.  A block of cheese is one price.  The same block shredded is much more expensive.  The same block sliced up is much more expensive.  The same block sliced up and sold in individual units is MUCH more expensive.

Buying it by the bite?  Well, it's your money, stupid.  But when you are old enough to trust yourself with a knife, and greedy enough to want to keep as much as your hard-earned dough in your pocket as possible, stay away from dumb "convenience" food like this.

And I'm not even going to START on the wasteful packaging.  This is one step above those hideous Snackables things.  Grrrr....

Easy Answers for this Quantum Fios kid

"We can't record more than twelve shows at once." 

"Why?"

Here's a better question, moron:  Why would anyone NEED to record "more than twelve shows at once," unless you just love recording or plan to spend the rest of your freaking life doing absolutely nothing but getting caught up on the junk you stored in your DVR.  Jesus, I can't remember the last time I saw TWO things on at the same time that could hold my interest.  Twelve shows at the same time?  How many hundreds of cable channels does this dicktard family have, anyway?

"You can't pause a show here and watch it in another room."

"Why?"

Because Daddy would rather put money into your college education account and paying down the mortgage than fill this house with a bunch of stupid, useless, time-and-life sucking toys.  Daddy's also not excited about the idea of his kid wandering around the house like a freaking zombie pausing and unpausing his "favorite cartoons" on a dozen energy-vampire television sets Just Because He Can.

And here's the real bottom line for this kid:  Life Isn't Television.  Get your butt outside and breathe in some freaking fresh air.   Read a God Damned Book.  Ride that bicycle.  Actually have face-to-face conversations with Real Friends rather than Virtual ones.  And get it out of your head that the main purpose of existence is to record every piece of banal junk that just happens to make it over the airwaves and then gaze at it as your body atrophies.   Of course, this all has to start with Daddy actually modeling some of this behavior instead of standing there with a vacant look on his face that says nothing to this kid except "hey yeah, why not?"  Why do I think this is really unlikely, and that Daddy is about to invest in This Is Awesome Because It Means Nothing But Television Television Television Everywhere All The Time FIOS?

Oh get the F-- off my radio already, Jay Farner and Quicken Loans!

"If you're a homeowner who's faithfully made his mortgage payments, you deserve thanks for doing the right thing."  Um, huh?  Come again?

I'm a renter who faithfully makes his rental payments.  My landlady thanks me by not calling the sheriff and having me evicted.

I'm a cable subscriber who faithfully makes his monthly cable payments.  Verizon thanks me by not cutting off my service.

I'm a cell phone owner who faithfully pays his phone bill.  AT&T thanks me by--- well, I think you get it.

What the hell kind of pitch is this?  Why does someone who willingly takes on debt and then pays it back "deserve thanks?"  We don't pay bills because we are "faithful" to our creditors, Mr Jay Farner of Quicken Loans.  We pay them because we don't like the consequences of defaulting- loss of service or property and a damaged credit score.  Get it, you knob?

I thought that the "thanks" people receive from paying their mortgage payments was being allowed to continue to live in their houses.  Why isn't that enough?  Oh, right- because Jay Farner wants you to pay your monthly bills to him, and not your current lender.  Well, why can't he just SAY that, instead of elevating people who do what they are legally obligated to do to the level of Sainthood?

Ok, I am off to do some shopping now.  I intend to pay for the food I put into my cart.  No, I'm not Jesus- it's just the right thing to do.  Don't I deserve thanks?

Burger King brings insulting our intelligence to a whole new level

Even if there are people out there stupid enough to believe that these are actual home movies of people eating Burger King crap* over the last fifty years, why would BK think that trying to con us with fake home movies would make us want to buy what some laughingly refer to as it's "food?"

And BTW, how is producing fake home movies showing idiot dads sharing their love of greasy garbage to be twisted into a "salute to Dads?"  I mean, what the hell?

*So what keeps happening here? "Hey, dad's shoveling that artery-clogging crud down his cake hole again- get the camera?"  And what happens when families gather to remember Dear Departed Dad by watching these films?  Who gets to say "you know, if we had known how much damage that awful junk was doing to his vitals, maybe we could have kept him away from it, and he'd still be with us today?"

Stupid Insurance for Stupid People

When a relative dies, that relative is DEAD.  That relative doesn't give a flying damn what kind of box you put him in before you drop him into a hole in the ground- in fact, he doesn't even care if you don't do that.

My grandparents were both cremated.  Their ashes sat in matching cardboard boxes in the basement for several years before I accidentally came across them while doing some re-arranging.  We had simply forgotten that they were there.  I took them outside and scattered them.  Then I threw the cardboard boxes away.  Done and done.

There is ZERO reason why "the average funeral costs $7500."  Well, sorry, there is ONE reason- because people are morons with money and feel they need to put on some kind of show to "honor" the corpse (seems to me it would make a lot more sense to throw a $7500 party BEFORE the guy is dead, but that's just me...)

Donate the cadaver to a med school.  Go with cremation (like EVERYONE in my family.)  Skip the morbid party with sad people and sandwiches and this body wearing an expensive suit sitting in an ornate box which will never be seen by anyone ever again after that day.  It's the 21st century, people.  Trust me.  The guy in the box DOESN'T CARE.

If I'm totally wrong and there is a spirit world, I know my parents would be pissed to no end if they looked down from Wherever Spirits Go and saw their children go into debt to dress up their spent remains for display before tossing dirt on them.  So we aren't going to be doing that.  So we don't need this ridiculous "burial insurance."  See how easy that was?

Even if "whatever happens" includes a crippling spinal injury?

There's no way you can "drink responsibly" AND be an adult using a slip and slide.  Adult bodies are simply not built to handle the stress of sudden halts which come with these things.  Flexible, growing children?  Probably ok.  Adults? NO.

Don't take my word for it.  Ask any doctor specializing in spinal injuries.  This commercil is encouraging people to "drink responsibility" and act irresponsibly.  Doesn't really make a whole hell of a lot of sense- but then again, this is an ad for lime-flavored Budweiser, so what should I expect?

This is how they buy cars in Notheastern Ohio, I guess

The woman in this ad was so impressed that a car salesman was willing to rush a sale because she "only had an hour" to get herself a new car that she agreed to do this testimonial.  Yeah, lady, that guy deserves a freaking medal- we all know that car salesmen would much rather go slow, talk you through each option, give you all the opportunity in the world to think it over, maybe even back out for now...

YEAH, RIGHT!

This car salesman tells us that he was in a mad rush to get the sale done because he "wanted to make sure she got to work on time."  Um, no, sorry, that's not how it happened.  It's more like "this woman is in a hurry, she wants a car RIGHT NOW, and if I can just breeze through this in less than an hour I'll have her signature on a piece of paper and her idiot body out the door before my first coffee break"- I'm surprised he managed to avoid the fist pump and "KA-CHING!" sound effect.

Seriously, I don't care what this woman's schedule is- this is NOT the way to buy a freaking car!  Get a ride to work for a few days, and go to the dealer on the weekend, when you have all the time in the world to bargain your way to the best deal.  I can just see this woman breathlessly dashing into this place waving her check book and shouting "I need a car but I've only got an hour, who do I give this money to someone PLEASE sign me up and give me some keys!"  The guy who closed the sale must have knocked down two of his colleagues to get to her.  She didn't even give herself time to test drive it, let alone check out the interior and all the bells and whistles.  I've had second thoughts about cars I've purchased after three hours in the dealership and another twenty minutes on the road.   How could someone with more than half a brain do what this moron does?