Because "Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained," Money-Grubbing Capitalist Pig

I could be nice and suggest that Father With Just the Right Amount of Gray Dusting His Immaculate  Hair just explain to his son that "there's risk to investing money, and even though my broker handles it, I'm the one who ultimately makes the decisions and is responsible for them."

He could go on to add "I could put the money in the bank where it would be 100 percent safe, but then we might not be able to afford this Brownstone in the Upscale Neighborhood, or your Private School, or for mom to stay home to give you milk and cookies when school is over, or those Aspen vacations.  So I risk it because after all More More More More More."

He could go on to add "if brokers had to pay clients back every time investments lost money, everyone would invest because there would be no risk.  Which would make investments like banks, and we'd be back to that problem with not being able to afford All This Stuff."

He could go on to add "my broker doesn't have a fucking crystal ball, and if brokers were held responsible for losses, they'd go out of business really fast because losses are going to happen.  You might not realize it because you live the pampered life of a spoiled rotten white kid in America, but there really aren't any gaurantees when it comes to investments."

Because I'm not especially nice, I'll just hope that Gray-Dusted Hair Douchenozzle switches to iTrade and walks in front of a bus while his eyes are glued to some fucking marketing chart on his iPhone.  Because I'm not especially nice.

(BTW, notice how pretty much every brokerage ad features someone wistfully thinking either "gee, I think my broker is ripping me off for making me pay him to manage my money" or "I don't think it's fair that 'risk' means I could lose my money, I want to redefine the word 'risk?" I mean, what the hell?)

This means his hands were all over that cereal, BTW. Just another episode of You Married It, You Live With It

You can tell by the resigned little smile Wifey gives to Fat Stupid Doofus Hubby that she doesn't really mind all that much that FSDH actually went through the box of Lucky Charms and picked out all the marshmallows and is now eating a "breakfast" of marshmallows and milk (yuck.)  Because hey, he's Hubby and there's this nice house and all that.

Still.  Breakfast is a bowl of marshmallows and milk.  And unshaven slob FSDH is walking around eating it with a dumbass look on his face and never mind that he's in his thirties and not a preteen eating Lucky Charms in the first place (he picked his What the Hell Gotta Marry Someone partner well, because she likes them too.)

Have a great life, people.

Sargento's Perfect Pairing: Your Money and Sargento

This commercial has exactly one message: that it's a really good idea to buy cheese in the most economically stupid way imaginable.

It's not rocket science, people.  The smaller the unit you purchase, the more you are paying.  Cheese is expensive enough already, but anyone who knows anything about shopping knows that the way to save money when buying it is to go for the largest block you know you will be able to consume while it's at peak flavor.  A block of cheese is one price.  The same block shredded is much more expensive.  The same block sliced up is much more expensive.  The same block sliced up and sold in individual units is MUCH more expensive.

Buying it by the bite?  Well, it's your money, stupid.  But when you are old enough to trust yourself with a knife, and greedy enough to want to keep as much as your hard-earned dough in your pocket as possible, stay away from dumb "convenience" food like this.

And I'm not even going to START on the wasteful packaging.  This is one step above those hideous Snackables things.  Grrrr....

Easy Answers for this Quantum Fios kid

"We can't record more than twelve shows at once." 

"Why?"

Here's a better question, moron:  Why would anyone NEED to record "more than twelve shows at once," unless you just love recording or plan to spend the rest of your freaking life doing absolutely nothing but getting caught up on the junk you stored in your DVR.  Jesus, I can't remember the last time I saw TWO things on at the same time that could hold my interest.  Twelve shows at the same time?  How many hundreds of cable channels does this dicktard family have, anyway?

"You can't pause a show here and watch it in another room."

"Why?"

Because Daddy would rather put money into your college education account and paying down the mortgage than fill this house with a bunch of stupid, useless, time-and-life sucking toys.  Daddy's also not excited about the idea of his kid wandering around the house like a freaking zombie pausing and unpausing his "favorite cartoons" on a dozen energy-vampire television sets Just Because He Can.

And here's the real bottom line for this kid:  Life Isn't Television.  Get your butt outside and breathe in some freaking fresh air.   Read a God Damned Book.  Ride that bicycle.  Actually have face-to-face conversations with Real Friends rather than Virtual ones.  And get it out of your head that the main purpose of existence is to record every piece of banal junk that just happens to make it over the airwaves and then gaze at it as your body atrophies.   Of course, this all has to start with Daddy actually modeling some of this behavior instead of standing there with a vacant look on his face that says nothing to this kid except "hey yeah, why not?"  Why do I think this is really unlikely, and that Daddy is about to invest in This Is Awesome Because It Means Nothing But Television Television Television Everywhere All The Time FIOS?

Oh get the F-- off my radio already, Jay Farner and Quicken Loans!

"If you're a homeowner who's faithfully made his mortgage payments, you deserve thanks for doing the right thing."  Um, huh?  Come again?

I'm a renter who faithfully makes his rental payments.  My landlady thanks me by not calling the sheriff and having me evicted.

I'm a cable subscriber who faithfully makes his monthly cable payments.  Verizon thanks me by not cutting off my service.

I'm a cell phone owner who faithfully pays his phone bill.  AT&T thanks me by--- well, I think you get it.

What the hell kind of pitch is this?  Why does someone who willingly takes on debt and then pays it back "deserve thanks?"  We don't pay bills because we are "faithful" to our creditors, Mr Jay Farner of Quicken Loans.  We pay them because we don't like the consequences of defaulting- loss of service or property and a damaged credit score.  Get it, you knob?

I thought that the "thanks" people receive from paying their mortgage payments was being allowed to continue to live in their houses.  Why isn't that enough?  Oh, right- because Jay Farner wants you to pay your monthly bills to him, and not your current lender.  Well, why can't he just SAY that, instead of elevating people who do what they are legally obligated to do to the level of Sainthood?

Ok, I am off to do some shopping now.  I intend to pay for the food I put into my cart.  No, I'm not Jesus- it's just the right thing to do.  Don't I deserve thanks?

Burger King brings insulting our intelligence to a whole new level

Even if there are people out there stupid enough to believe that these are actual home movies of people eating Burger King crap* over the last fifty years, why would BK think that trying to con us with fake home movies would make us want to buy what some laughingly refer to as it's "food?"

And BTW, how is producing fake home movies showing idiot dads sharing their love of greasy garbage to be twisted into a "salute to Dads?"  I mean, what the hell?

*So what keeps happening here? "Hey, dad's shoveling that artery-clogging crud down his cake hole again- get the camera?"  And what happens when families gather to remember Dear Departed Dad by watching these films?  Who gets to say "you know, if we had known how much damage that awful junk was doing to his vitals, maybe we could have kept him away from it, and he'd still be with us today?"

Stupid Insurance for Stupid People

When a relative dies, that relative is DEAD.  That relative doesn't give a flying damn what kind of box you put him in before you drop him into a hole in the ground- in fact, he doesn't even care if you don't do that.

My grandparents were both cremated.  Their ashes sat in matching cardboard boxes in the basement for several years before I accidentally came across them while doing some re-arranging.  We had simply forgotten that they were there.  I took them outside and scattered them.  Then I threw the cardboard boxes away.  Done and done.

There is ZERO reason why "the average funeral costs $7500."  Well, sorry, there is ONE reason- because people are morons with money and feel they need to put on some kind of show to "honor" the corpse (seems to me it would make a lot more sense to throw a $7500 party BEFORE the guy is dead, but that's just me...)

Donate the cadaver to a med school.  Go with cremation (like EVERYONE in my family.)  Skip the morbid party with sad people and sandwiches and this body wearing an expensive suit sitting in an ornate box which will never be seen by anyone ever again after that day.  It's the 21st century, people.  Trust me.  The guy in the box DOESN'T CARE.

If I'm totally wrong and there is a spirit world, I know my parents would be pissed to no end if they looked down from Wherever Spirits Go and saw their children go into debt to dress up their spent remains for display before tossing dirt on them.  So we aren't going to be doing that.  So we don't need this ridiculous "burial insurance."  See how easy that was?