Well, at least it's not a gun ad

1.  Geeky High School kid is insecure.

2.  Almost As Worthless As Bambi's Dad gives Geeky High School kid the keys to the Audi and tells him to "have a good time tonight."  He knows his son well enough not to say that while giving him a condom.

3.  Geeky High School kid is SO insecure that the very act of driving the family Audi has more than tripled his self-confidence, and he is able to stride on to the dance floor of the prom and kiss the Queen.

4.  In a rather odd twist, Geeky High School kid (now proudly supporting a black eye, presumably issued by the King) instantly leaves the dance instead of accepting the accolades and sudden admiration of the people who never knew he existed before and satisfies himself by speeding back home so he can log in as KirkRules9870 and stay up till 4 AM drinking Red Bull and telling his internet "friends" all about it.  He probably satisfies himself in other ways, but this is a family blog so I'll just leave it there.

5.  A day or two later, Geeky High School kid comes to the realization that instead of pulling off some Great Moment in his life, he experienced a massive Lost Opportunity by running back to his cave so quickly.  Then he'll console himself with the thought that at least Dad owns an Audi- never mind that no one at the dance got to see or praise it, so really, what was the point again?

This is Beyond Pathetic

So beyond pathetic, in fact, that it really deserves to be it's own series.

If the good people who post ads at YouTube cooperate, I'm pretty sure I will be posting several of these Verizon Fios "My Life Is Television" ads, just because they are so irritating and the people in them are such horrible zombies.  I'm especially waiting for someone to post the one where Fios customers are sitting on a big white couch in the middle of a showroom talking about their "Awesome Fios Experiences"- when a salesman says "you can record and watch up to fifteen shows at once" (!!!!!!????? Seriously??? WTF???)  a woman who may or may not be drooling responds "I DVR everything."

Anyway, the punchline of this ad is that doofus dad seems to like ice skating, and of course it's very wrong and bad and unmanly to like ice skating so it's funny, get it?  Personally, I'm too caught up in the notion that this family APPARENTLY HAS A TELEVISION IN EVERY FREAKING ROOM
I MEAN COME ON WHAT THE HELL?

I also like how in all of these ads the entire family has to be available so that the Verizon Fios guy can explain to them how they never have to miss anything on television ever again because it can be recorded and watched in any room in the house and oh you can pause it too in case you want to actually get up and move for some strange reason (when is someone going to market that Homer Simpson chair with the built-in toilet already?)  I really really want at least one family member (one of the ADULTS would be PERFECT for this) to simply decline the Awesome Fios Setup with a polite "we don't have six televisions- I mean, there are only four of us, for Chissakes, and besides, OUR LIVES DON'T REVOLVE AROUND THE FREAKING IDIOT BOX!") 

I also like how nobody in the family except Dad is ever shown to be really super-excited about any of this. It's more like "yeah, uh-huh, I can record everything and watch it anywhere from 200 different devices, whatever, it's about f---ng time."  Dad of course HAS to be excited because this being a commercial, he must find a way to stand out as the Family Moron Who Humiliates His Family By His Very Presence, and the ugly shirt and uncombed hair doesn't quite pull it off.   Even the people hired to act in Fios ads aren't capable of generating the level of enthusiasm we regularly see in commercials for Kit Kats and light beer.

The daughter's pretty cute though. She'd be cuter if she got that nasty "WTF-ever, can I get away from these people I'm related to and get back to texting now?" look off her face.

Discover not very much here

Watch this ad over and over again, convinced that you MUST have missed SOMETHING.  I did.  Turned out it was a real waste of time.  Other than this douchenozzle blathering about a free service from his credit card company while strolling down the hallway of his apartment building (because God Fucking Forbid you wait until you are somewhere private to have a private conversation, oh and I'm sure his neighbors appreciate how he cranked up the volume so he wouldn't have to put the phone up against his ear Again God Forbid) there really isn't anything here.

I mean, unless you count "good 'cause I hate surprises" followed by a surprise party in his apartment- uh huh, whatever, really this is all you've got, Discover?

BTW, I really want to spend some time working in a credit card phone bank, if this is the kind of bored jagoff who regularly calls in.

Caller:  "I was just checking my balanced and I noticed by FICA credit score..."

Me:  "Yeah, and?  So? What is your issue?  No friends, huh?  You know, there are real people with actual problems who are trying to get through right now.  We give you your credit score, ok?"

Caller:  "Good, because I hate surprises."

Me:  "What, are we dating now?  Who gives a shit what you hate?  Can you hang up now please?"

I don't care what century it is. Keep to your own "kind!"

Blackpeoplemeet.com- because stick with your own, and make sure that when you look at someone, if skin color isn't the ONLY thing you see, at least it's the first and most important thing you see.

Jdate.com, ChristianMingle, etc.- again, stick with your own.  Limit your heart to people who already believe what you believe.  Expanding your horizons to include other viewpoints is scary and stupid and scary.  Stay in your bubble.

Most important- we were intended to stay within certain tribes- race and religion are only among the biggest ones.  After all, without these limits, how the hell are we ever going to maintain bigotry, ignorance, and hate?

Some of the best life lessons come from musicals-

You've got to be taught to hate and fear,

You've got to be taught from year to year,

It's got to be drummed in your dear little ear,

You've got to be carefully taught.

You've got to be taught to be afraid

Of people whose eyes are oddly made,

And people whose skin is a diff'rent shade,

You've got to be carefully taught.

You've got to be taught before it's too late,

Before you are six or seven or eight,

To hate all the people your relatives hate,

You've got to be carefully taught!

- "South Pacific"

Because "Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained," Money-Grubbing Capitalist Pig

I could be nice and suggest that Father With Just the Right Amount of Gray Dusting His Immaculate  Hair just explain to his son that "there's risk to investing money, and even though my broker handles it, I'm the one who ultimately makes the decisions and is responsible for them."

He could go on to add "I could put the money in the bank where it would be 100 percent safe, but then we might not be able to afford this Brownstone in the Upscale Neighborhood, or your Private School, or for mom to stay home to give you milk and cookies when school is over, or those Aspen vacations.  So I risk it because after all More More More More More."

He could go on to add "if brokers had to pay clients back every time investments lost money, everyone would invest because there would be no risk.  Which would make investments like banks, and we'd be back to that problem with not being able to afford All This Stuff."

He could go on to add "my broker doesn't have a fucking crystal ball, and if brokers were held responsible for losses, they'd go out of business really fast because losses are going to happen.  You might not realize it because you live the pampered life of a spoiled rotten white kid in America, but there really aren't any gaurantees when it comes to investments."

Because I'm not especially nice, I'll just hope that Gray-Dusted Hair Douchenozzle switches to iTrade and walks in front of a bus while his eyes are glued to some fucking marketing chart on his iPhone.  Because I'm not especially nice.

(BTW, notice how pretty much every brokerage ad features someone wistfully thinking either "gee, I think my broker is ripping me off for making me pay him to manage my money" or "I don't think it's fair that 'risk' means I could lose my money, I want to redefine the word 'risk?" I mean, what the hell?)

This means his hands were all over that cereal, BTW. Just another episode of You Married It, You Live With It

You can tell by the resigned little smile Wifey gives to Fat Stupid Doofus Hubby that she doesn't really mind all that much that FSDH actually went through the box of Lucky Charms and picked out all the marshmallows and is now eating a "breakfast" of marshmallows and milk (yuck.)  Because hey, he's Hubby and there's this nice house and all that.

Still.  Breakfast is a bowl of marshmallows and milk.  And unshaven slob FSDH is walking around eating it with a dumbass look on his face and never mind that he's in his thirties and not a preteen eating Lucky Charms in the first place (he picked his What the Hell Gotta Marry Someone partner well, because she likes them too.)

Have a great life, people.

Sargento's Perfect Pairing: Your Money and Sargento

This commercial has exactly one message: that it's a really good idea to buy cheese in the most economically stupid way imaginable.

It's not rocket science, people.  The smaller the unit you purchase, the more you are paying.  Cheese is expensive enough already, but anyone who knows anything about shopping knows that the way to save money when buying it is to go for the largest block you know you will be able to consume while it's at peak flavor.  A block of cheese is one price.  The same block shredded is much more expensive.  The same block sliced up is much more expensive.  The same block sliced up and sold in individual units is MUCH more expensive.

Buying it by the bite?  Well, it's your money, stupid.  But when you are old enough to trust yourself with a knife, and greedy enough to want to keep as much as your hard-earned dough in your pocket as possible, stay away from dumb "convenience" food like this.

And I'm not even going to START on the wasteful packaging.  This is one step above those hideous Snackables things.  Grrrr....