"And don't even get me started on the cost of a decent gardener these days!"

I'm really trying to work up some sympathy for a woman who whines about her cable/phone bill as she takes a freaking hike through her spotless, gleaming-white, cavernous suburban mansion equipped with all the trendy furniture, finest appliances and at least one enormous flat-screen television in each room.  Really I am.

Actually I just wish she would just shut her pampered cake hole and stop trying to convince me that she is really concerned about the price of cable, telephone service, gasoline or anything else.  Next time get a representative from your f---ing cleaning crew to tell us about how Comcast saves money.  Because seriously- from you?  I'm not buying that you've looked at the price tag of anything for at least the past five years, so take your "hey I'm just like you" act and roll it off a cliff in your Lexus SUV, ok?

To Xfinity and beyond? Count me out.

Yesterday, you went into an irritated, impatient snit because you couldn't watch Exactly What You Want Right F--ng Now.  Maybe you turned the TV off and actually talked to your family, played a board game, whatever.  But it all sucked and amounted to a wasted evening, because No TV.

Today, you've got Xfinity so you never have to suffer through another evening like that ever, ever again.  Now you can watch a tv show while DVRing everything being played everywhere, so the phrase "there's nothing on tv, let's read or play a board game or take a walk or just talk" will never, ever be heard in your home because in a month you'll have 3000 hours of --um--- "entertainment"- on that DVR.  Problem solved.  Thank God.

You people are all f--ing zombie losers and when you die, it will be very, very hard to tell.

One more vacation.....

Every summer for the past 17 years, my family has rented a cottage at Hampton Beach, New Hampshire for a week.  Before that I would go for 2-3 day visits to this very nice, middle-class ocean resort.  I kind of like this video because it's from the summer of 1988, and that was the year I took my 7-year old nephew to Hampton and we stayed at a hotel which no longer exists, right on Ocean Boulevard on the boardwalk.

I spend my days at Hampton taking long walks along the beach, talking to fishermen in the early mornings and evenings, watching the whale watch boats head out just after dawn (went on a whale watch about ten years ago, lots of fun....)  At night I play old video games (I wore out "Time Pilot," neither of the big arcades have one anymore, pretty much switched to Qbert after that) and get ice cream cones and listen to the live music at the Shell Stage.  And walk along the beach some more, especially if we are treated to low tides during the right time of the evening.

Anyway, all this is just to explain why I won't be posting again till next Saturday- I'll have my phone at the beach but that's just for emergencies, I'll have my tablet but that's just to check my email in the evenings.  When I get back it's time to start thinking about school again and the non-summer routine, but before then, I've got a week of bloviating (a really underused term) ahead of me, with very little television- which means, very little exposure to crappy commercials.  Looking forward to it.

Check out the archives while I'm gone!  'Bye for now!

Yeah I really don't get it, Viagra

This is about the dozenth or so Viagra ad I've seen which suggests that the way men get themselves in the mood for sex is to spend a long period of time away from women.  They all end the same way- the guy comes home from a long day of Not Being With a Female ready for sex because....well, because not being around females got him hot, I guess.

And of course the Little Lady is ALWAYS ready for sex.  She's just waiting for you to finish fishing or sailing or herding cattle or driving your truck through mud or whatever you are doing to get yourself excited.  Boy she sure picked a winner, didn't she?

What am I missing here?

Well, at least it's not a gun ad

1.  Geeky High School kid is insecure.

2.  Almost As Worthless As Bambi's Dad gives Geeky High School kid the keys to the Audi and tells him to "have a good time tonight."  He knows his son well enough not to say that while giving him a condom.

3.  Geeky High School kid is SO insecure that the very act of driving the family Audi has more than tripled his self-confidence, and he is able to stride on to the dance floor of the prom and kiss the Queen.

4.  In a rather odd twist, Geeky High School kid (now proudly supporting a black eye, presumably issued by the King) instantly leaves the dance instead of accepting the accolades and sudden admiration of the people who never knew he existed before and satisfies himself by speeding back home so he can log in as KirkRules9870 and stay up till 4 AM drinking Red Bull and telling his internet "friends" all about it.  He probably satisfies himself in other ways, but this is a family blog so I'll just leave it there.

5.  A day or two later, Geeky High School kid comes to the realization that instead of pulling off some Great Moment in his life, he experienced a massive Lost Opportunity by running back to his cave so quickly.  Then he'll console himself with the thought that at least Dad owns an Audi- never mind that no one at the dance got to see or praise it, so really, what was the point again?

This is Beyond Pathetic

So beyond pathetic, in fact, that it really deserves to be it's own series.

If the good people who post ads at YouTube cooperate, I'm pretty sure I will be posting several of these Verizon Fios "My Life Is Television" ads, just because they are so irritating and the people in them are such horrible zombies.  I'm especially waiting for someone to post the one where Fios customers are sitting on a big white couch in the middle of a showroom talking about their "Awesome Fios Experiences"- when a salesman says "you can record and watch up to fifteen shows at once" (!!!!!!????? Seriously??? WTF???)  a woman who may or may not be drooling responds "I DVR everything."

Anyway, the punchline of this ad is that doofus dad seems to like ice skating, and of course it's very wrong and bad and unmanly to like ice skating so it's funny, get it?  Personally, I'm too caught up in the notion that this family APPARENTLY HAS A TELEVISION IN EVERY FREAKING ROOM
I MEAN COME ON WHAT THE HELL?

I also like how in all of these ads the entire family has to be available so that the Verizon Fios guy can explain to them how they never have to miss anything on television ever again because it can be recorded and watched in any room in the house and oh you can pause it too in case you want to actually get up and move for some strange reason (when is someone going to market that Homer Simpson chair with the built-in toilet already?)  I really really want at least one family member (one of the ADULTS would be PERFECT for this) to simply decline the Awesome Fios Setup with a polite "we don't have six televisions- I mean, there are only four of us, for Chissakes, and besides, OUR LIVES DON'T REVOLVE AROUND THE FREAKING IDIOT BOX!") 

I also like how nobody in the family except Dad is ever shown to be really super-excited about any of this. It's more like "yeah, uh-huh, I can record everything and watch it anywhere from 200 different devices, whatever, it's about f---ng time."  Dad of course HAS to be excited because this being a commercial, he must find a way to stand out as the Family Moron Who Humiliates His Family By His Very Presence, and the ugly shirt and uncombed hair doesn't quite pull it off.   Even the people hired to act in Fios ads aren't capable of generating the level of enthusiasm we regularly see in commercials for Kit Kats and light beer.

The daughter's pretty cute though. She'd be cuter if she got that nasty "WTF-ever, can I get away from these people I'm related to and get back to texting now?" look off her face.

Discover not very much here

Watch this ad over and over again, convinced that you MUST have missed SOMETHING.  I did.  Turned out it was a real waste of time.  Other than this douchenozzle blathering about a free service from his credit card company while strolling down the hallway of his apartment building (because God Fucking Forbid you wait until you are somewhere private to have a private conversation, oh and I'm sure his neighbors appreciate how he cranked up the volume so he wouldn't have to put the phone up against his ear Again God Forbid) there really isn't anything here.

I mean, unless you count "good 'cause I hate surprises" followed by a surprise party in his apartment- uh huh, whatever, really this is all you've got, Discover?

BTW, I really want to spend some time working in a credit card phone bank, if this is the kind of bored jagoff who regularly calls in.

Caller:  "I was just checking my balanced and I noticed by FICA credit score..."

Me:  "Yeah, and?  So? What is your issue?  No friends, huh?  You know, there are real people with actual problems who are trying to get through right now.  We give you your credit score, ok?"

Caller:  "Good, because I hate surprises."

Me:  "What, are we dating now?  Who gives a shit what you hate?  Can you hang up now please?"