Seriously, I'd share my data with this woman any day

If I were the guy in this ad, I would ask this woman two things-

1.  "I'm all by myself, why are you offering me a plan suitable for four people?  Why do you just assume that guys of a certain age have wives and kids who also own phones?  Is it because you offer the exact same plan to everyone who walks in here, whether it's one person, or a family, or a realty business?  Is it illegal to offer a single person a decent deal on cell phone service?"*

2.  "How'd you like to have dinner?" Because seriously, I don't mind these ads all that much because this woman is awfully cute.  Not like Flo or that horrid Wendy's woman- they can drop off the face of the Earth anytime and I wouldn't miss them for a moment.

*Apparently, it is.  All of the half-decent offers are for people who want Phones for Four with Data Plans to Share.  You are a single person who just wants a phone and a decent data plan for a reasonable cost for yourself?  Good luck finding that.  You're going to need it.

NexGard- because horrible side effects aren't just for humans anymore

This medication helps protect your dog from fleas or heartworm or something  (I guess, I don't really know, I'm not watching this more than once, and I don't own a dog so I don't care all that much) but may also lead to your dog suffering from bad breath, bouts of vomiting, lack of energy, depression and suicidal thoughts, etc.  Ok I kind of made up those last two.

Anyone else get the impression that every drug invented since the mid-1990s has exactly the same side effects?

And isn't it just like us humans, to make the decision for the animals we've bred into absurd shapes and sizes that it's best they take these yummy chewable pill things so they don't have one problem, but have a host of other problems instead.  Best for whom?  Why, our little shmuggums (we love you so MUCH yes we DO) precious little animals, of course!

But anyway, like I said, I don't own a dog.  Or a cat (and this drug has NOT been determined to be suitable or effective on cats, lucky them.)  Nor do I want to.  I find the whole animals-in-the-house-on-purpose thing to be really, really overrated.  And I sure as heck can find better things to spend my money on besides prescription drugs that will make some helpless animal even sorrier it's owned by me.

Maybe five seconds was left on the cutting room floor?

The laughing guy- "Corey M."- in this ad suggests that something funny just happened, but no matter how many times I watch this nothing lump of a commercial, I don't hear or see anything remotely funny.  Just a spokeschoad explaining his company's suggestion for promotional currency to exactly one person.  Huh?

I mean, something got cut, right?  This whole ad wasn't really a Burger King zombie introducing a mushroom cheeseburger by suggesting a reworked five-dollar bill, was it?  Because that's not anything at all. It's beyond lame, even by Burger King standards.

So what the hell?

Nobody likes to pay taxes. But don't expect sympathy when "don't like to" turns into "so I didn't"

"Tired of the IRS calling you, liens on your home and garnishments of your paycheck?"

Here's a plan:  pay your freaking back taxes, you fricking leach.  This poor high school teacher (who, before landing a job as a high school teacher, stacked yogurt and milk at a Wegman's at night while subbing for other teachers during the day-in short, has never had any money, ever)-has managed to do it all his life.  Don't give me the Woe-is-me-look-my-head-is-in-my-hands-what-do-I-do look.  Don't tell me you need "help" from TaxMasters* or Wall and Associates or Roni Deutsch* or any other As Seen On TV carnival barkers because you've got this big tax bill and you just don't wanna pay it 'cause gosh look how big it is.  If you owe back taxes and penalties it's because you haven't been doing your legal duty, scumbag.

Don't look for someone to reduce your taxes for you.  Why should your taxes be reduced?  Why do we want to set this precedent- "avoid paying your taxes for a long time, let the bill balloon to a ridiculously large amount, don't worry, because then you can cut a deal and pay a lot less than you would have if you had been paying all along?"  F---K THAT.  Pay.  Your Freaking.  Taxes. 

*good luck, because these scammers have been out of business for quite some time, and are a little too busy warding off lawsuits to take your call right now.  Sorry.

I'd like a rush job on that parachute repair too, please

My Father-in-Law once helped me change a tire.  He did it really, really fast.  It was just before I drove 400 miles to visit my parents.  Just before I got to my destination, the tire he changed really, really fast started to make a horrible sound.  It was falling off.  He's dead now so I'll never know for sure, but I've always been kind of convinced that if his daughter had been taking the trip with me, he would have been a bit more careful when tightening those lug nuts.

A couple of years ago I brought my car to Sears to buy a new tire.  They put the new tire on pretty fast (for Sears.)  Two days later, I heard a weird rumbling noise from that side of the car.  A few minutes later, I heard a horrible loud noise and had to pull over- my tire was halfway off. 

Last year I brought my tire in to a Jiffy Lube and because they were offering a deal, I let them go ahead and rotate my tires (which I personally think is almost as big a scam as oil changes every 3000 miles, but I'm no mechanic.)  Within a few weeks four of the lug nuts had vanished. 

Here's my point- getting new tires I would think is kind of like having a bone set or brain surgery.  You want the person doing it to take. Their. Time.  Because after all, the stakes are kind of high, even if the person involved isn't me.

Buy this and never, ever have a conversation about anything ever again

I can kind of understand why the doofus kid pops in to interrupt a pretty stupid argument between two total strangers rather inexplicably watching a PG-13-rated movie on a huge screen at an airport.  I mean, the two guys here are being pretty obnoxious and like I said it's a stupid argument- who gives a flying damn which lousy X-Men movie it is?  Aren't they all interchangeable anyway?

Still, I can't help wondering why this kid, who looks like he's about eight years old, has this expensive tricked-out phone.  And where the hell are his parents?  And who is the other kid- his sister?  Or another total stranger who also wasn't taught not to talk to people you don't know and who also doesn't have parents?

And when was it decided that technology should be geared toward nipping all questions and arguments and other conversations in the bud as rapidly as possible?  No one need have a discussion concerning any matter of trivia or history or music or movies or ANYTHING because hey, let's just ask our freaking know it all phones.  So much for conversation starters- these phones are conversation MURDERERS.  Don't argue.  Don't debate.  Just Get The Answer and go back to being socially isolated nitwits with fancy phones.  Ugh.

This commercial struck a particular nerve with me because it reminded me of one of the sweetest experiences of my life.  Since this is my blog, I'll share:  In 1984, I was taking Amtrak back to Vermont from college for Christmas vacation.  A very pretty girl sat down next to me and asked if she could listen to my Walkman, since her batteries were dead.  She listened to my music and we struck up a conversation which lasted about six hours (eventually the batteries on my Walkman went dead, too.)  We didn't have any Smartphones (or phones at all) or Tablets anything else to create bubbles around each other, so we talked and talked.  She fell asleep for a while on my shoulder, which was also really nice.

When the train approached my stop in Montpelier we exchanged addresses (she was a citizen of Columbia living in Canada) and said goodbye.  We wrote for years but I never saw her again, but I'll never forget that train ride- and I'm convinced that the meeting and conversation would not have happened today, as one or both of us would have been in our electronic cocoons, with no need to seek companionship outside our own little digitial worlds.

Anyway....

Someone explain to me why this technology is necessary, or even a welcome luxury.  Someone explain to me why anyone would run out and buy this because it features an app which identifies the film you are watching so you can more quickly stop talking to a fellow humanoid life form.  On second thought, I take it back- don't try to explain any of this to me.  It's just too damned depressing.

Almost as much fun as throwing your money down a storm drain

1.  It must be a real joy to be in the next cubicle from this woman, don't you think?  It takes her roughly half an hour to get her freaking phone out of her freaking bag.

2.  I've never understood what exactly is "fun" about buying lottery tickets.  Is it the approximately 8 seconds it takes to scratch off that silver stuff to find out you spent $2-$20 on a piece of cardboard?  Why is that fun, exactly?

3.  I bet the laughing ball thing is an App, and if it's not, the YouTube glue-sniffers are begging for it to become one.  I hate this century so very much.