"The best part was when our relationship finally became legal!"

"You've always made a great team.  It's been that way since the day you met."

Yeah, that day you decided that she was very "mature for her age"  and that she could "keep a secret," at least until she hit the age of consent.

Come on.  I can't be the only person out there who's noticed that practially all of these Cialis commercials feature guys married to women who are at least fifteen years younger than they are.  I guess it's nice that these guys want to keep their trophy wives satisfied, but jeeesh.....

InfinityQ50- when paying attention is just not your top priority

There's a longer version of this ad out there which features this guy avoiding about six accidents because his car is doing the driving for him- noting other cars in his blind spot, braking, nudging him back into his lane- as the doofus "driver" (more like "passenger") muses at how close he just came- again- to doing some serious damage to his LookAtMeMobile, and maybe killing a few less fortunate people in the process.

Hey, Euro trash with the requisite three-day growth that makes us hate you even more than we already would- instead of forever reflecting on how nice it was that your car kept saving your life (and ours,) how about putting the smug self-satisfaction on the shelf for a while and, I don't know, just PAY ATTENTION TO THE FREAKING ROAD?  Because I'd rather not have my survival depend on all of those freaking electronics working perfectly, each time.  I'd like a Plan B- you keeping your freaking eyes open and brain focused on what's going on around you.  Too much too ask?  Then sit in your driveway in your ridiculous car.  Hey, the neighbors will still see it and know you are Better Than Them- and that's all that really counts, right?

Seriously, I'd share my data with this woman any day

If I were the guy in this ad, I would ask this woman two things-

1.  "I'm all by myself, why are you offering me a plan suitable for four people?  Why do you just assume that guys of a certain age have wives and kids who also own phones?  Is it because you offer the exact same plan to everyone who walks in here, whether it's one person, or a family, or a realty business?  Is it illegal to offer a single person a decent deal on cell phone service?"*

2.  "How'd you like to have dinner?" Because seriously, I don't mind these ads all that much because this woman is awfully cute.  Not like Flo or that horrid Wendy's woman- they can drop off the face of the Earth anytime and I wouldn't miss them for a moment.

*Apparently, it is.  All of the half-decent offers are for people who want Phones for Four with Data Plans to Share.  You are a single person who just wants a phone and a decent data plan for a reasonable cost for yourself?  Good luck finding that.  You're going to need it.

NexGard- because horrible side effects aren't just for humans anymore

This medication helps protect your dog from fleas or heartworm or something  (I guess, I don't really know, I'm not watching this more than once, and I don't own a dog so I don't care all that much) but may also lead to your dog suffering from bad breath, bouts of vomiting, lack of energy, depression and suicidal thoughts, etc.  Ok I kind of made up those last two.

Anyone else get the impression that every drug invented since the mid-1990s has exactly the same side effects?

And isn't it just like us humans, to make the decision for the animals we've bred into absurd shapes and sizes that it's best they take these yummy chewable pill things so they don't have one problem, but have a host of other problems instead.  Best for whom?  Why, our little shmuggums (we love you so MUCH yes we DO) precious little animals, of course!

But anyway, like I said, I don't own a dog.  Or a cat (and this drug has NOT been determined to be suitable or effective on cats, lucky them.)  Nor do I want to.  I find the whole animals-in-the-house-on-purpose thing to be really, really overrated.  And I sure as heck can find better things to spend my money on besides prescription drugs that will make some helpless animal even sorrier it's owned by me.

Maybe five seconds was left on the cutting room floor?

The laughing guy- "Corey M."- in this ad suggests that something funny just happened, but no matter how many times I watch this nothing lump of a commercial, I don't hear or see anything remotely funny.  Just a spokeschoad explaining his company's suggestion for promotional currency to exactly one person.  Huh?

I mean, something got cut, right?  This whole ad wasn't really a Burger King zombie introducing a mushroom cheeseburger by suggesting a reworked five-dollar bill, was it?  Because that's not anything at all. It's beyond lame, even by Burger King standards.

So what the hell?

Nobody likes to pay taxes. But don't expect sympathy when "don't like to" turns into "so I didn't"

"Tired of the IRS calling you, liens on your home and garnishments of your paycheck?"

Here's a plan:  pay your freaking back taxes, you fricking leach.  This poor high school teacher (who, before landing a job as a high school teacher, stacked yogurt and milk at a Wegman's at night while subbing for other teachers during the day-in short, has never had any money, ever)-has managed to do it all his life.  Don't give me the Woe-is-me-look-my-head-is-in-my-hands-what-do-I-do look.  Don't tell me you need "help" from TaxMasters* or Wall and Associates or Roni Deutsch* or any other As Seen On TV carnival barkers because you've got this big tax bill and you just don't wanna pay it 'cause gosh look how big it is.  If you owe back taxes and penalties it's because you haven't been doing your legal duty, scumbag.

Don't look for someone to reduce your taxes for you.  Why should your taxes be reduced?  Why do we want to set this precedent- "avoid paying your taxes for a long time, let the bill balloon to a ridiculously large amount, don't worry, because then you can cut a deal and pay a lot less than you would have if you had been paying all along?"  F---K THAT.  Pay.  Your Freaking.  Taxes. 

*good luck, because these scammers have been out of business for quite some time, and are a little too busy warding off lawsuits to take your call right now.  Sorry.

I'd like a rush job on that parachute repair too, please

My Father-in-Law once helped me change a tire.  He did it really, really fast.  It was just before I drove 400 miles to visit my parents.  Just before I got to my destination, the tire he changed really, really fast started to make a horrible sound.  It was falling off.  He's dead now so I'll never know for sure, but I've always been kind of convinced that if his daughter had been taking the trip with me, he would have been a bit more careful when tightening those lug nuts.

A couple of years ago I brought my car to Sears to buy a new tire.  They put the new tire on pretty fast (for Sears.)  Two days later, I heard a weird rumbling noise from that side of the car.  A few minutes later, I heard a horrible loud noise and had to pull over- my tire was halfway off. 

Last year I brought my tire in to a Jiffy Lube and because they were offering a deal, I let them go ahead and rotate my tires (which I personally think is almost as big a scam as oil changes every 3000 miles, but I'm no mechanic.)  Within a few weeks four of the lug nuts had vanished. 

Here's my point- getting new tires I would think is kind of like having a bone set or brain surgery.  You want the person doing it to take. Their. Time.  Because after all, the stakes are kind of high, even if the person involved isn't me.