A real Johnsville Brat

"You actually used your phone to watch a baseball game during a family wedding....you aren't proud of that...."

Well, no, I imagine you aren't.  You acted like the most self-centered dicktard on the planet, when it would have been much kinder to just send your regrets and a present and stay home.  It's hard to imagine that you would have been missed, since if you're willing to pull something this douchy and stupid you've probably already got a reputation as someone who must be invited but whom the invitees kind of hope don't show up.

"But then you served up Johnsonville Brats to your buddies....and you ARE proud of that...."

Yeah, because serving up packaged pig parts wrapped in intestine is some kind of awesome accomplishment.  Well, maybe it IS for a douchenozzle who can't even get through a ten-minute wedding ceremony without watching a fucking game on your cell phone.  I'm sure your friends are impressed.  Personally, I'm more impressed by the fact that this guy still HAS friends.  They must be really desperate- or really, really like free pig parts stuffed into intestines.

I bet the newlyweds aren't at his little barbecue.  I know if I were one of them, I'd never come within half a mile of this choad again.  Man what an asshole (sorry, but I've run out of terms of derision with which to describe this guy.)

At least I can say I didn't help pay for this

1.  Someone wrote this commercial, and got paid to do it.

2.  It's entirely conceivable that whoever wrote this commercial is actually proud of the work they put into it.

3.  I have no idea why this commercial exists, or why it would convince anyone to buy State Farm Insurance, consider purchasing State Farm Insurance, or would associate State Farm Insurance with anything except brutally annoying ads that insult our intelligence.

4.  Every time I see one of these ads, I'm reminded that I no longer own a car, and how happy I am that that is so.  Not just because I have an amazing amount of extra money every month (I had no idea what a costly enterprise it is to own a car until I gave mine up) but because I don't have to feed the giant monsters that are the Car Insurance Industry.  Makes me feel all warm and clean inside.

Dear Walmart: About these "Savings Catcher" Commercials...

Just like commercials for people who claim to be trying to save money on phone service, cable, etc-- they would be a hell of a lot more believable if you didn't insist on portraying the penny-pinching savers as living in enormous houses and obviously not short on money.  I swear, I can't remember the last time any "saving money theme" ads ever showed anyone who looked like they really could give a damn how much anything costs.

What, are Wal-Mart, Sprint, Verizon, AT&T etc. just allergic to showing anyone who doesn't live in a freaking million-dollar house and never you damn mind if doing so totally detracts from the message?

How does this benefit anybody, Centric?

There's this channel I never noticed I had before called "Centric," which advertises itself as "the Channel for Black Women."  Ok.  And today it's running a Roots marathon.  That's BETTER than Ok- everyone my age remembers religiously watching the original miniseries during it's 1977 airing- and talking about it in school the next day.  I didn't know a single person who wasn't watching it during it's original run- Not a Single Person.  In fact, I remember my history classes being worked around the miniseries, and the regular curriculum being set aside for discussion for as long as it was on and for quite some time afterwards.

The term "groundbreaking" is criminally overused, but this series was truly groundbreaking.  The term "important television" is just as overused.  This was- and is- important television.  I would argue that it's one of the very few television programs that absolutely MUST be watched by anyone who wants to understand the history of Africans in America- and the history of Europeans in America for that matter.

The second clip is from an advertisement being shown during commercial breaks.  Ugh, what a freaking shame. Talk about mixed messages.  So during an uplifting show about the unconquerable spirit of an entire race of people who overcame immense obstacles to achieve something close to equality (not there yet,) we are treated to a trailer for a movie which celebrates every stupid, disgusting stereotype attached to that race in order to justify dismissing it.

Great job, Centric, "The Channel for Black Women."  I'm sure there are plenty of women- black and white- who are happy to have their kids watch this wonderful series,* and also appalled at having to subject them to even a few seconds of House Party 3.  Two steps forward, one step back.  As far as I'm concerned, there's still room for a "Channel for Black Women," because Centric just disqualified itself by making me jump for the mute button during every break to avoid being assaulted by blatantly racist crud.

*Of course, you've stuffed the damn thing so full of commercials that Chicken George doesn't save his family from the injustices of the Reconstruction South until  1 AM, so maybe it doesn't matter that we were reluctant to let kids watch  anyway.  You might have cut down the ads a bit so that it could end at a half-decent hour, but that would have deprived us not only of House Party 3 ads but also countless others for unbelievably bad looking "original programing" featuring black people making total asses of themselves.  So a double fail, Centric.

"Oh, no big deal. That's just the sound of you selling your soul for five seconds on tv."

The YouTubers just love this insulting crap.  Really- just check the comments.  Can't get enough of people making total asses of themselves for the chance to be on television for a few seconds making any sane human being dive for the mute button.

I had to watch a version of this commercial at least two dozen times during a Sunday afternoon baseball game.  Screeching.  Horrible sound effects.  People who might as well have been waving I'M A MORON WITH ABSOLUTELY NO SHAME for a commercial created for a company which might as well install a WE HAVE NO RESPECT FOR OUR CUSTOMERS neon sign in their waiting areas.

Oh, but the YouTubers adore this. Because the YouTubers are all eight year old boys who went back for extra paint chips.  Morons.

Warning: This Ad may be used to induce vomiting

"We've noticed that every once in a while, you stop watching tv, even though modern technology has made it possible to view All Your Favorite Shows anytime, anywhere!  Well, we're going to do our best to encourage you to never, ever stop watching tv with this new offer combining something new called Viggle and something 'old' called DirectTV!

"Here's how it works!  Just never stop gazing at whatever version of the idiot box you most like using to suck every last brain cell out of your head and avoid human contact!  Do a little rubbing and scrolling and texting and replying as you waste what's left of your sorry-ass 'life" gazing at crap movies, tv shows and games and we'll reward you with money you can use for more electronic gizmos which - what do you know!- allow you to spend even MORE time allowing your body to atrophy into pudding as you absorb more and more media into your overly-stimulated yet dim as swamp water brain!"

"Tell your friends, if you still have any that are more than numbers on your Facebook counter, about this awesome service and get even more money and more points which can be used for more data and more wasted time, you worthless, easily-manipulated, mouth-breathing, couldn't-use-your-brain's-wattage-to-operate-a-keyring-light couch potato loser!"

Obesity is an epidemic.  I can't IMAGINE why.

The Best Health System in the World, if you don't count all the other countries...

In July 2003, I was sitting in my car waiting to be waved through a construction site at 8:30 in the morning when I was suddenly struck from behind by a drunk driver who didn't notice that the traffic light was being voided by a police officer directing traffic.  That drunk driver (who was also driving on a suspended license) slammed into my car while traveling at approximately 25 MPH- the force knocked me into the intersection and to within a foot of the cop, who shook his head and announced into his walkie-talkie "we'll need an amubulance, some guy with his head up his ass just caused an accident."

I went to the hospital in that ambulance, as my spine felt like it had been twisted into a knot.  There I was told that the drunk driver who hit me while on a suspended license also (surprise, surprise) didn't have any insurance.   Yeah, he was a real winner, that one.  I needed several months of therapy that my insurance paid for (after a lawsuit, but that's another story,) and that brings me to the reason for this blog post.

One part of my therapy was the use of a TENS unit- a little briefcase thing which included a machine that would send electric shocks into the small of my back while clipped to my belt.  I had to put down a $200 deposit for the machine, which was available only with a prescription, despite the fact that it consisted entirely of sticky pads and wires and a box which directed about the same amount of electricity as your average Sony Walkman.

When my therapy ended, I went online and discovered something very interesting- I could buy a TENS unit from any number of pharmacies in England for about $30, no prescription required.  I bought one, to deal with occassional flare-ups of back pain (unlike most Americans I see in commercials, I would rather not pop Tylenol every few hours or even an Aleve every freaking day I have back pain.  I kind of like my liver.  I'm funny that way.)

Well, look who's finally caught up.  Now you can buy a cheap, probably very temporary version of the TENS unit which has been sold over the counter in the UK for more than a decade, and I'm sure it's going to be a very popular idea because hey look here's Shaq selling it.  I bet Icy Hot's version doesn't last one-tenth as long as the $30 unit I bought in 2004 (it would be hard to tell, because mine STILL works.)  But this is just another example of how Capitalism triumphs in the US-- YEARS after a simple but effective device which (need I remind you?) does not require drugs with awful side effects was made available across the pond, we finally get to buy our own crappy Icy Hot version ($41.99 at my local CVS) in our own Grocery-But-Also-Drug stores.  And because this is America and all, our disposable version will be occupying landfills everywhere while those European TENS units just keep on working.  Just like mine.

Maybe we were just waiting for Shaq to say it was ok?