Chevrolet celebrates the freedom to be enslaved

Someday, someone will have to explain to me how being constantly connected to the world so that you can be at it's beck and call 24/7 translates into "Independence."

Long before that day happens, one of these distracted dicktards will probably have to scrape me off their grille because instead of paying attention to the fucking road, they were logging into their Facebook account for the eighth time in ten minutes, and they didn't see me and my blaze orange backpack until it was way too late.

Remember when it was ok to just be Out of Touch every once in a while?  Not anymore.  Now if you go camping, you can use your tablet to let your mommy know you got there ok.

Yeah. "Independence."  This is what it looks like.  Sure.

(Oh, and "South Verona Circle?"  Fuck you, Chevrolet.)

If they were huddled in a circle snorting coke, these people wouldn't be as depressing

I like the scene were the guy appears to be put out because another guy has the audacity to want to get a drink of water even though hey he's sitting right there on the floor with his fucking precious phone.  And where the woman mutters "really?" at the janitor who (gasp) actually needs to use an outlet to do some actual, airport-related work.  And let's not skip over the guy who is using his phone in the bathroom- people who do that need to go to hell and I mean Right Now.

I actually do see this a lot of at airports- hundreds of people huddled around those charge centers and every outlet in sight with their phones and laptops, looking like addled drug addicts as they text and scroll and click and gaze away and try to pretend that they are in their living rooms instead of making total jackasses of themselves in public.

I mean, seriously, people.  I think it's safe to assume these idiots charge their devices before they leave home.  If they are desperate to plug in at the airport, that means that they use them so obsessively that they are constantly in danger of losing power- I guess all that downloading and streaming wears down batteries pretty fast, and hey the electricity in the airport is free, so.....

Ever occur to any of these people that just a few years ago, people managed to pass the time at airports without telephones or hand-held televisions and computers?  They'd read, or strike up conversations with other Sapien Life Forms also waiting for flights.  When did being able to use your electronics Constantly and Without Interruption become a necessity?  Now it's perfectly normal to see people crowding for outlets, complaining to others for "hogging" them (I saw a guy get a lecture because he was using FOUR sockets,) and acting for all the world as if their lives depended on being able to suck energy into their little toys until the last call for boarding is announced.  Pathetic.

Anyone else want to tell these kids what they can do with those phones?

Raise your hand if you've already had enough of watching these overindulged dicktard kids yapping about how they never, ever have to look up again because they've been handed these ridiculous phones and can now spend the rest of their freaking lives watching movies on three-inch screens.

Where are their parents?  My guess is that they made their escape quite some time ago, and the "here's your new phones, kids" was all just part of the exit strategy.  These little jackasses won't notice the Units are gone until the monthly bill comes due or the battery dies, whichever comes first.

"So much to watch...." yeah, isn't it sad that life is so short?  You're likely to have your eyes burn out of your head- or die of congestive heart failure- before you even begin to make a dent in all those movies available through Amazon Prime (Amazon used to sell a lot of books, too- remember those?)  Pardon me if I don't shed a tear for you when that happens, you smarmy little loser.

Meanwhile, I can still use my phone for talk and text- that's it.  It's all I need, because (believe it or not) there is a hell of a lot more out there than unlimited viewing of movies on time-sucking phones with what I guess are supposed to be hip names.

Miller Lite- you aren't taking credit for me, sorry

According to this commercial, I exist because

A)  My dad drank enough Lite Beer to lose his pot belly and become attractive enough to convince my mom to have sex with him, AND/OR

B)  My mom drank enough Lite Beer to convince herself that my dad was attractive enough to have sex with.

Well, fuck you, Miller Lite.  Believe it or not, people were having procreative sex before you started producing your watery swill of a beer, and not all sexual contact is the result of alcohol consumption (gee, what a great message, btw.)  And I thought Apple was being pretentious for basically taking credit for making it possible for us to exist with it's stupid technology- at least that company never claimed to be responsible for my very BEING.

(oh, and check out the comments of the YouTube monkeys- yes, there are actually people out there who did not recognize this tune.  Man are we an illiterate society, or what?  I'm actually willing to believe that the dumbass who asked "what is that song" probably IS the product of a drunken encounter in the back seat of van- and I suspect that his mom didn't swear off beer when the stick turned blue.  But I'm not- and you can't convince me otherwise, Miller.  Maybe you should go back to pretending to honor vets in order to sell your product- that wasn't quite as obnoxious as this ad campaign.)

A real Johnsville Brat

"You actually used your phone to watch a baseball game during a family wedding....you aren't proud of that...."

Well, no, I imagine you aren't.  You acted like the most self-centered dicktard on the planet, when it would have been much kinder to just send your regrets and a present and stay home.  It's hard to imagine that you would have been missed, since if you're willing to pull something this douchy and stupid you've probably already got a reputation as someone who must be invited but whom the invitees kind of hope don't show up.

"But then you served up Johnsonville Brats to your buddies....and you ARE proud of that...."

Yeah, because serving up packaged pig parts wrapped in intestine is some kind of awesome accomplishment.  Well, maybe it IS for a douchenozzle who can't even get through a ten-minute wedding ceremony without watching a fucking game on your cell phone.  I'm sure your friends are impressed.  Personally, I'm more impressed by the fact that this guy still HAS friends.  They must be really desperate- or really, really like free pig parts stuffed into intestines.

I bet the newlyweds aren't at his little barbecue.  I know if I were one of them, I'd never come within half a mile of this choad again.  Man what an asshole (sorry, but I've run out of terms of derision with which to describe this guy.)

At least I can say I didn't help pay for this

1.  Someone wrote this commercial, and got paid to do it.

2.  It's entirely conceivable that whoever wrote this commercial is actually proud of the work they put into it.

3.  I have no idea why this commercial exists, or why it would convince anyone to buy State Farm Insurance, consider purchasing State Farm Insurance, or would associate State Farm Insurance with anything except brutally annoying ads that insult our intelligence.

4.  Every time I see one of these ads, I'm reminded that I no longer own a car, and how happy I am that that is so.  Not just because I have an amazing amount of extra money every month (I had no idea what a costly enterprise it is to own a car until I gave mine up) but because I don't have to feed the giant monsters that are the Car Insurance Industry.  Makes me feel all warm and clean inside.

Dear Walmart: About these "Savings Catcher" Commercials...

Just like commercials for people who claim to be trying to save money on phone service, cable, etc-- they would be a hell of a lot more believable if you didn't insist on portraying the penny-pinching savers as living in enormous houses and obviously not short on money.  I swear, I can't remember the last time any "saving money theme" ads ever showed anyone who looked like they really could give a damn how much anything costs.

What, are Wal-Mart, Sprint, Verizon, AT&T etc. just allergic to showing anyone who doesn't live in a freaking million-dollar house and never you damn mind if doing so totally detracts from the message?