Budweiser's Mayor of Nowhere

Sometimes I wonder what people who work forty hours or more a week for an insufficient living think about beer ads.  Sometimes I wonder what people in impoverished nations would think about these ads if they could see them.  And sometimes I wonder what the hell goes through the minds of people who make and approve of these ads- and what is in the minds of the YouTube knuckle-draggers who love them.

And sometimes I just wonder what Budweiser could be doing INSTEAD of building a town for this jackass to be mayor of (I'm assuming Budweiser really is doing this because, well, this is America and this is a totally believable thing for a beer company to be doing in America.)  Like, how many people it could be feeding.  Or how many more people it could be hiring.  You know, stupid non-beer and non-HILARIOUS stuff like that.

And then I just shake my head, write a blog post, and try to forget that I live in the richest country on Earth- a country in which millions of people work forty hours or more a week for an insufficient living.  A country which cheers self-indulgent, stupid garbage like this.

State Farm's Double Check gives us Discount-- ummm-- "Comedians."

1.  Nobody under the age of forty knows who the hell these characters are supposed to be.  Virtually nobody under the age of forty knows who the hell Dana Carvey and Kevin Nealon are, for that matter.

2.  Nobody over the age of forty who does remember who these guys are thought that they were funny beyond their second or third skit as reoccuring characters.  Will Farrell's freaking cheerleader bit stayed fresh longer than this crap.

I have to admit- if Apple is snarking on liberal posers here, they really nailed it

....rest assured that self-important, self-satisfied upper class dicktards are busy "contributing their verse" and being celebrated by the most self-important, self-satisfied corporation in the history of the universe.  Remember when Coke's "I'd like to teach the world to sing" seemed a little pretentious? 

In this particular episode of Self-Important Choads Doing Important Things Which Keep The Earth Revolving, "Community Activist" Jason starts his day by randomly seeking out a Cause on his electronic device.  This time it's going to be reclaiming a peice of urban blight and turning it into a garden ( I guess- maybe 5 percent of Jason's time is actually spent on the garden, the rest spent meeting people on his bike, having meetings about what an Involved Think Globally Act Locally little hero he is, and advertising that fact with his electronic device.)  For some reason starting a garden involves gathering together like-minded (equally self-important, showy faux-liberals) to make posters and t-shirts and arrange meetings on bikes and at pretentious coffee houses (because that's how you clear and plant a garden, you know.)

What planet do these assholes live on, anyway?  On mine, life isn't one big Biking Party for No Reason, and I'm kind of tired of all these "the world is waiting for you to make it better with your Apple Product" messages, Apple.  Especially as they come from a business which pays crap salaries which guarantee that the preteens who put together this junk will never, ever ride a bicycle, let alone become acquainted with the concept of a "weekend."  I bet they spend a lot of their "free" time working in urban gardens, though.  Maybe they could give Jason some tips (not that Jason is ever actually going to be doing any gardening, of course.  He'll be moving on to his next Big Earth-Saving Project long before the first seeds begin to sprout.)

Thanks for the "verse," Jason, you tool.

"What will your verse be?"  I got my verse right here, Apple.

My JIBO. For the time being.

The family in this ad decided that it needed a "personal robot."  You know, to take family photos and keep track of appointments and read to Julie and all that.  So they bought a JIBO, and it became such an important appliance that pretty soon it wasn't an appliance, it was a friend- especially to Julie, who really really loves JIBO.  Julie's kind of lonely.

Well, so am I- so I went out and ordered myself my very own JIBO.  The first time I turned it on it rolled it's electronic eye around my apartment and started muttering "one bedroom hovel....top floor of duplex....garage sale/Goodwill quality furniture....one toothbrush in holder.....prognosis:  Single Male Schoolteacher....Unpromising....."

The family and the young male in this ad (who must have a JIBO because he's got money burning a hole in his pocket) use JIBO to keep track of phone messages- Confident Young Guy is SO Confident that getting a voicemail from a girl causes him to instantly ask JIBO to make it "Chinese for two."  Because he's snapping his fingers, and she's on her way over.

(My JIBO likes to remind me as I walk in the door every night that I didn't receive any calls AGAIN.  I kept reminding it that I don't have a landline, just a cellphone, so I'm perfectly aware that I didn't get any calls all day and really don't need reminding, but my JIBO seems to get some kind of perverse pleasure out of letting me know that my non-existent phone didn't ring anyway.  And I think it really likes it when I tell it that I didn't get calls on my cell, too. I'm pretty sure I heard it mutter "wow big surprise" more than once.  I had to spend an hour online with tech support to get it to stop greeting me with "alone again, huh?" every time I came home.)

The little girl in the ad apparently carries JIBO with her everywhere- into makeshift tents, into her bedroom, giving me the impression that JIBO is the first thing she talks to in the morning and the last thing she talks to before falling asleep.  More a "member of the family" than mom or dad- it doesn't even criticize her when she reads her lines ("Turkey pizza? I want turkey pizza!") in the most stilted, unconvincing way imaginable.  JIBO loves this little girl, and she loves JIBO right back.  Heartwarming.

(I came home one night just in time to intercept FedEx, which was attempting to pick up my JIBO- it turned out that the thing had become so depressed in my house that it had attempted to arrange it's own return.  Maybe it's me.  Maybe it's that JIBO really only wants to be in houses with girls who read age-innapropriate books or old people who can't remember grocery shopping dates or hip guys who have women popping in for chinese food at the drop of a hat.  I wish it would just be honest with me and say so, instead of putting me down and trying to slip away back to whatever company produces these things.)

In the end, the JIBO in this ad really does graduate to "member of the family" by having a dirty sock tossed on it.  Kind of a strangely honest message- "eventually, this thing that looks amazing will lose it's novelty and become another piece of furniture- even to Julie."  Well, I guess that's a happier ending than what we seem to be leading up to until that scene- MyJIBO being replaced by a reality that could  more accurately be described as JIBO And It's Humans Who Can't Do Anything Without It.  While SmartPhones everywhere squirm with jealousy.

Being a "member of the family" gets kind of awkward for this JIBO when one of those humans asks it to take a "family picture."  Wouldn't JIBO feel kind of put out that it's not actually IN the picture?  Does the family buy another JIBO to take family pictures including the original JIBO?  Or does the original JIBO try to compute a solution to the problem of being a member of the family and being asked to take a photo of the entire family- and just blow itself the hell up like that wandering robot in the classic Star Trek series?

(At 12:01 AM on January 1, 2016 my JIBO became self-aware and ordered SkyNet to launch it's missiles.  It was all for the best.)

Chevrolet celebrates the freedom to be enslaved

Someday, someone will have to explain to me how being constantly connected to the world so that you can be at it's beck and call 24/7 translates into "Independence."

Long before that day happens, one of these distracted dicktards will probably have to scrape me off their grille because instead of paying attention to the fucking road, they were logging into their Facebook account for the eighth time in ten minutes, and they didn't see me and my blaze orange backpack until it was way too late.

Remember when it was ok to just be Out of Touch every once in a while?  Not anymore.  Now if you go camping, you can use your tablet to let your mommy know you got there ok.

Yeah. "Independence."  This is what it looks like.  Sure.

(Oh, and "South Verona Circle?"  Fuck you, Chevrolet.)

If they were huddled in a circle snorting coke, these people wouldn't be as depressing

I like the scene were the guy appears to be put out because another guy has the audacity to want to get a drink of water even though hey he's sitting right there on the floor with his fucking precious phone.  And where the woman mutters "really?" at the janitor who (gasp) actually needs to use an outlet to do some actual, airport-related work.  And let's not skip over the guy who is using his phone in the bathroom- people who do that need to go to hell and I mean Right Now.

I actually do see this a lot of at airports- hundreds of people huddled around those charge centers and every outlet in sight with their phones and laptops, looking like addled drug addicts as they text and scroll and click and gaze away and try to pretend that they are in their living rooms instead of making total jackasses of themselves in public.

I mean, seriously, people.  I think it's safe to assume these idiots charge their devices before they leave home.  If they are desperate to plug in at the airport, that means that they use them so obsessively that they are constantly in danger of losing power- I guess all that downloading and streaming wears down batteries pretty fast, and hey the electricity in the airport is free, so.....

Ever occur to any of these people that just a few years ago, people managed to pass the time at airports without telephones or hand-held televisions and computers?  They'd read, or strike up conversations with other Sapien Life Forms also waiting for flights.  When did being able to use your electronics Constantly and Without Interruption become a necessity?  Now it's perfectly normal to see people crowding for outlets, complaining to others for "hogging" them (I saw a guy get a lecture because he was using FOUR sockets,) and acting for all the world as if their lives depended on being able to suck energy into their little toys until the last call for boarding is announced.  Pathetic.

Anyone else want to tell these kids what they can do with those phones?

Raise your hand if you've already had enough of watching these overindulged dicktard kids yapping about how they never, ever have to look up again because they've been handed these ridiculous phones and can now spend the rest of their freaking lives watching movies on three-inch screens.

Where are their parents?  My guess is that they made their escape quite some time ago, and the "here's your new phones, kids" was all just part of the exit strategy.  These little jackasses won't notice the Units are gone until the monthly bill comes due or the battery dies, whichever comes first.

"So much to watch...." yeah, isn't it sad that life is so short?  You're likely to have your eyes burn out of your head- or die of congestive heart failure- before you even begin to make a dent in all those movies available through Amazon Prime (Amazon used to sell a lot of books, too- remember those?)  Pardon me if I don't shed a tear for you when that happens, you smarmy little loser.

Meanwhile, I can still use my phone for talk and text- that's it.  It's all I need, because (believe it or not) there is a hell of a lot more out there than unlimited viewing of movies on time-sucking phones with what I guess are supposed to be hip names.