Like the commercial, hate the website

Is there a more depressing site on the web than weather.com?  It's not the weather- I expect it's usually accurate as weather forecasting sites go.  It's the little stories that the site is always asking us to click on.  Man, they are downers- "This woman died on her honeymoon," "Child's Final Tragic Moments," "Horror at Beach House- You Won't Believe It..."

I mean, what the hell?  Why is Weather.com always trying to tickle our Morbid bone?  I go to the site to see if I need an umbrella, not to find out if a blonde girl has been abducted and beheaded (yes, she has) or if a guy has been killed by a freak tidal wave (yes, he has.)  This other crap?  I'd rather read about the One Trick To Cut Your Car Insurance If You Live In Maryland (what a coincidence- I do!) or Why Doctors Hate This Man or Why The IRS Hates This Man (same man?  Don't know...)

Either way, this potato chip ad is a painful experience

When I saw this ad on American television, I had no idea it had been made in Australia.   Didn't find that out until I looked for it on YouTube.  Since YouTube never, ever lies, I guess it really was made in Australia.  Still, I can totally understand why Lays thought it would work very well here in the States.

It seems like an American commercial, because the kid is being an absolute nasty ass for no reason whatsoever (unless "because she can" counts as a reason.)  She can see that the creep across from her is hungry, or at least so stoned that he can't tear his eyes away from her potato chip, and her response is to tease him with it.  Not give him a chip, not change seats, not tell him to act like an actual grown-up and use his voice or to stop staring at a little girl he doesn't know and her snacks- just to act like a jerk.  Yep, totally American.

But you can tell it's Australian because it features a commuter train which looks like it might actually be somewhat comfortable, and which seems to be traveling at a reasonably fast speed.  Comfortable, High-Speed Commuter Rail?  That's about as Un-American as it gets.

Not trying to scare anyone here, but....

When you watch this commercial, just imagine this:

Some people think that this ad is LOL funny.  And some of those same people buy car insurance.  Which means that they are actually on the road, operating heavy machinery which sometimes travels at high speed.  Sometimes on the very same road you are driving on.

And they think this ad is LOL funny.

Sorry if that freaks you out.  But I felt I had to say something.

Completing the KFC "Couchgating" Commercial

Turns out this wasn't a one-year deal; nope, KFC loved it's "Couchgating" bit so much that they brought it back for the 2014 NFL season.  Isn't that awesome?  But they didn't have time to tell the audience EVERYTHING that is necessary for a legitimate "couchgating" party, so I thought I'd lend a hand.  Here's what they left out:

1.  Magic KFC Bucket:  This is the bucket of chicken which not only remains full, but is always Overloaded, no matter how many people already have pieces of chicken in their hands or on a plate.  Note that in each scene in this ad, there are chicken parts everywhere, yet every bucket is spilling over with chicken.  Because KFC doesn't actually overload it's buckets (they actually come with white lids which hide the fact that the pieces are smaller and darker than they appear on tv) you will need at least two to pull off this effect at your Couchgating party.  I suggest three- that way you can  give everyone a piece from the first bucket, then add the leftovers to the other two to make them look like they are bursting with chicken goodness.   To keep the illusion going, refuse to allow your guests another piece.  Their hearts will thank you later.

2.  Ethnically and Sexually Diverse Guest List.  This is really important.  It's not at all necessary to have an equal number of men and women- you can have only two women, as long as one is an African-American.  And just one African-American guy is fine.  If possible, include a person of Uncertain Ethnicity to cover any questionable moments.

3.  Totally tasteless friends who will eat anything: This is an absolute must.  After all, you are serving up maybe $50 worth of greasy, mass-produced chicken- it would be a real shame if it went uneaten, except that it would keep those buckets filled.

4.  Lots and lots of wet-wipes.  The last time I ate at KFC (about twenty years ago) these were provided- but dont' take any chances.  I suggest you lay in a large supply yourself; I think 20 per person would be a good rule of thumb.  That is, unless you WANT chicken grease all over your couch and furniture as a reminder of that Sexually and Racially Diverse crowd you inexplicably invited into your house to eat poisonous fried junk for three hours.

Oh F-Off, Lexus

From the lack of smiling, I can figure that the message of the commercial is clearly NOT that owning a Lexus F Series LookAtMeMobile will make you happy.  I guess I have to give Lexus a little credit for being the very first car company ever to produce a commercial which does not suggest Buy This= Joy.

On the other hand, we see a lot of  sneering.  We also see one guy in particular who looks like he's going to to boil over in rage at having to wait for a Not-Lexus train pass before he can continue to race along wet roads at high speeds in a mad effort to overcompensate for- something or another.   (The GALL of that train to be in his way- I bet it's not even TRANSPORTING Lexuses.  May even be filled with non Lexus-owning lesser people!)

Maybe it's the same guy later who lives for Stop Signs and Red Lights so he can peal out and let everyone within half a mile or so know that he was at that Stop Sign or Red Light?   And then roar through city streets at roughly 50 MPH (like everyone else in car commercials?)

But what we see most of all is coveting.  Pretty people living Pretty lives stopping and staring and drooling at Pretty cars as they go about doing their Pretty things in Pretty places with their Pretty friends.  We get the impression that each one of them is more than capable of buing a Lexus F Series and the only reason they haven't already is because they weren't aware these wonderful life-affirming things existed, were right there, waiting to make their Already Amazing Existence even more Amazing.  Warms the heart. Or makes you really, really sick.  One of those.

Because dad's brain is now a turnip, apparently

Your car is now a Hot Spot.  Well, thank goodness- because actually planning ahead was soooo exhausting and burned soooo many brain cells.  Now, thanks to the new Chevrolet (and your internet-addled kids) you can do all your planning and decision-making on the run, and you never have to put any advanced thought into anything at all!  This is even better than that OnStar "how may I kiss your ass today, sir?" Operator At Your Beck and Call service, because it doesn't cost you a monthly fee (or does it?

Meanwhile, those of us who can't afford this car will just have to keep our lives organized in order to keep people from discovering that we are flightly, thoughtless, forgetful nuggets of self-asorption too stupid to remember important stuff.  Clearly we will be in the minority soon, as dependence on electronic devices to get us out of the freaking house in one piece will be the norm before the end of next year, if it isn't already.

BTW, why was it so important for the kid in the back to complete whatever arrangements she was making before Mommy got back into the car- it's not like Mommy was going to ask what they were doing.*  The point of arming your kids with these stupid toys is so you DON'T have to engage with them.  Suddenly DVD players in the car seem quaint- how did that happen so fast?

Oh, and check out the-- umm, "comments" the YouTubers left- eighty percent of them are by sniveling little corporate brown-nosers bleating the title of the commercial.  Good job, doggies.  Here's a biscuit- just jump a little higher for the boss!

*"You guys ever going to put those down?"

No Answer.

Mom smiles helplessly and forgets even asking eight seconds later.  And why not- YOU'RE the reason they HAVE those things, stupid!

What are the Logistics of a Mass Slaying? Because this commercial badly needs one. Now.

If you don't want to beat each and every one of these self-important, self-satisfied jackasses to death by the third "great," you are far, far better person than I am.  And if you don't want to toss the "I love Logistics" guy out the window while yelling "I Love Gravity!", well, you just lack my imagination.

If we can't have any of those things happen, and it's also too much to ask that a meteorite vaporize this building five seconds after this meeting of the no-minds ends, how about a sequel revealing that the start-up was a collossal failure and these adorable perky young people are now being adorable and perky in their mom's basements and in dumpsters behind Burger King?

I mean, instead of the actual sequel we've got running now, which is exactly the same except that the word "great" has been replaced by "awesome" (seriously, that's the only difference.  One word.  Repeated six times.  Know what a killer tornado would be right about now? Awesome.)