Well, AT&T, you really had me going for a few seconds there!

For about the first fifteen seconds of this ad, I thought I might actually be watching a commercial for cell phones or data sharing or some other 21st century thing I don't really understand or want to understand that I actually liked, because it featured kids doing something approaching Cool which required something approaching Skill instead of the usual brain-dead texting and movie-viewing crud we expect to see in commercials for cell phones or data sharing.

Those first fifteen seconds were not only Not Horrible, but actually pretty entertaining and fun.  I could even ignore the fact that these kids were splayed on furniture while the sun streamed in from the window- something my parents would not have tolerated.  Can't have everything, after all.

But then of course AT&T had to remind me that I was watching a commercial, which meant that the kids HAD to end up acting like spoiled, disrespectful, unappreciative assholes to their father who provided all this, and that Dad had to end up being portrayed as a clueless, About As Uncool As Even Dad Can Get buttinksy who needs to get back into the kitchen and finish cooking the kids dinner instead of trying to be a part of their lives with his lame-ass non-electronic music Thank Goodness None Of Our Friends Were Here To See This OMIGD I Would Rather Die.

Nice save, AT&T.  Just make sure nobody ever edits this ad- you wouldn't want anyone to be left with the impression that kids can just have fun with your overpriced, stupid gadgets without sneering at Dad too.  That would be just awful.

Another take on this awful Buick commercial

In another version of this ad,* we see the spoiled Suburban princess actually spying on the Garcias using a pair of binoculars as she drools over their new Buick- "Looks like the Garcias have a new car."

"Good for the him" her husband intones.

"Good for her" she replies.  Yeah, because living in this f---ing palace with freaking gold gates isn't good enough for you- now you want a new Buick, too.  I know that everyone in TV land lives like this- but why does every commercial have to pretend that everyone in REAL LIFE occupies massive palaces in gated communities?

The Garcias live in a gilded cage- good for them.  Both of them.  Except, they have neighbors who stand at their windows and evaluate them through binoculars.  I'm not sure it's worth it.

*When I find the "Good For Her" version of this ad on YouTube, I'll replace it here.  But you've all seen it.

Like the commercial, hate the website

Is there a more depressing site on the web than weather.com?  It's not the weather- I expect it's usually accurate as weather forecasting sites go.  It's the little stories that the site is always asking us to click on.  Man, they are downers- "This woman died on her honeymoon," "Child's Final Tragic Moments," "Horror at Beach House- You Won't Believe It..."

I mean, what the hell?  Why is Weather.com always trying to tickle our Morbid bone?  I go to the site to see if I need an umbrella, not to find out if a blonde girl has been abducted and beheaded (yes, she has) or if a guy has been killed by a freak tidal wave (yes, he has.)  This other crap?  I'd rather read about the One Trick To Cut Your Car Insurance If You Live In Maryland (what a coincidence- I do!) or Why Doctors Hate This Man or Why The IRS Hates This Man (same man?  Don't know...)

Either way, this potato chip ad is a painful experience

When I saw this ad on American television, I had no idea it had been made in Australia.   Didn't find that out until I looked for it on YouTube.  Since YouTube never, ever lies, I guess it really was made in Australia.  Still, I can totally understand why Lays thought it would work very well here in the States.

It seems like an American commercial, because the kid is being an absolute nasty ass for no reason whatsoever (unless "because she can" counts as a reason.)  She can see that the creep across from her is hungry, or at least so stoned that he can't tear his eyes away from her potato chip, and her response is to tease him with it.  Not give him a chip, not change seats, not tell him to act like an actual grown-up and use his voice or to stop staring at a little girl he doesn't know and her snacks- just to act like a jerk.  Yep, totally American.

But you can tell it's Australian because it features a commuter train which looks like it might actually be somewhat comfortable, and which seems to be traveling at a reasonably fast speed.  Comfortable, High-Speed Commuter Rail?  That's about as Un-American as it gets.

Not trying to scare anyone here, but....

When you watch this commercial, just imagine this:

Some people think that this ad is LOL funny.  And some of those same people buy car insurance.  Which means that they are actually on the road, operating heavy machinery which sometimes travels at high speed.  Sometimes on the very same road you are driving on.

And they think this ad is LOL funny.

Sorry if that freaks you out.  But I felt I had to say something.

Completing the KFC "Couchgating" Commercial

Turns out this wasn't a one-year deal; nope, KFC loved it's "Couchgating" bit so much that they brought it back for the 2014 NFL season.  Isn't that awesome?  But they didn't have time to tell the audience EVERYTHING that is necessary for a legitimate "couchgating" party, so I thought I'd lend a hand.  Here's what they left out:

1.  Magic KFC Bucket:  This is the bucket of chicken which not only remains full, but is always Overloaded, no matter how many people already have pieces of chicken in their hands or on a plate.  Note that in each scene in this ad, there are chicken parts everywhere, yet every bucket is spilling over with chicken.  Because KFC doesn't actually overload it's buckets (they actually come with white lids which hide the fact that the pieces are smaller and darker than they appear on tv) you will need at least two to pull off this effect at your Couchgating party.  I suggest three- that way you can  give everyone a piece from the first bucket, then add the leftovers to the other two to make them look like they are bursting with chicken goodness.   To keep the illusion going, refuse to allow your guests another piece.  Their hearts will thank you later.

2.  Ethnically and Sexually Diverse Guest List.  This is really important.  It's not at all necessary to have an equal number of men and women- you can have only two women, as long as one is an African-American.  And just one African-American guy is fine.  If possible, include a person of Uncertain Ethnicity to cover any questionable moments.

3.  Totally tasteless friends who will eat anything: This is an absolute must.  After all, you are serving up maybe $50 worth of greasy, mass-produced chicken- it would be a real shame if it went uneaten, except that it would keep those buckets filled.

4.  Lots and lots of wet-wipes.  The last time I ate at KFC (about twenty years ago) these were provided- but dont' take any chances.  I suggest you lay in a large supply yourself; I think 20 per person would be a good rule of thumb.  That is, unless you WANT chicken grease all over your couch and furniture as a reminder of that Sexually and Racially Diverse crowd you inexplicably invited into your house to eat poisonous fried junk for three hours.

Oh F-Off, Lexus

From the lack of smiling, I can figure that the message of the commercial is clearly NOT that owning a Lexus F Series LookAtMeMobile will make you happy.  I guess I have to give Lexus a little credit for being the very first car company ever to produce a commercial which does not suggest Buy This= Joy.

On the other hand, we see a lot of  sneering.  We also see one guy in particular who looks like he's going to to boil over in rage at having to wait for a Not-Lexus train pass before he can continue to race along wet roads at high speeds in a mad effort to overcompensate for- something or another.   (The GALL of that train to be in his way- I bet it's not even TRANSPORTING Lexuses.  May even be filled with non Lexus-owning lesser people!)

Maybe it's the same guy later who lives for Stop Signs and Red Lights so he can peal out and let everyone within half a mile or so know that he was at that Stop Sign or Red Light?   And then roar through city streets at roughly 50 MPH (like everyone else in car commercials?)

But what we see most of all is coveting.  Pretty people living Pretty lives stopping and staring and drooling at Pretty cars as they go about doing their Pretty things in Pretty places with their Pretty friends.  We get the impression that each one of them is more than capable of buing a Lexus F Series and the only reason they haven't already is because they weren't aware these wonderful life-affirming things existed, were right there, waiting to make their Already Amazing Existence even more Amazing.  Warms the heart. Or makes you really, really sick.  One of those.