I can see how the Woodford Way would lead to a long, lasting, meaningful relationship

"When I see a man drinking bourbon, I think 'there's a guy who knows how to build a bookshelf.  And not just a bookshelf-kit IKEA type bookshelf.  I mean, this is a guy who already knows where the lumberyard is.  Probably because it's next to the bar, but he knows where the lumberyard is.  Making him a man.  A man who likes to work with lumber and drink alcohol, which to me is just an awesome combination."

"Speaking of awesome combinations, he's also a guy who lets me use the saw, and thinks it's cute that I don't know how to use the saw.  Yes, that means exactly the way it sounds- it means he thinks it's cute when I endanger myself playing with a very sharp instrument.  I bet he'd really giggle if I drew blood, I'm such a silly girl I can't even manage to handle something he can operate while drinking bourbon.  He's so amazing, he makes me swoon."

"So I guess what I'm saying here is, I really, really like guys who drink whiskey and can build bookcases.  Because drunk and handy with tools, that's just so hot.  I really have to remember to add that to my eHarmony profile- 'Seeking Guy Who Likes To Get Drunk Quickly And Then Operate The Saw and Let Me Operate it Too.  There's got to be a lot of people who fit that description, and I'm sure they are all really nice."

"I bet he'd make a good soulmate, too.  I mean, what more could a girl want?"

"I'm here to say yes to whatever you offer me."

The guy in this stupid ad has no idea what a "gig" is, but thinks he's getting a great deal because the amount he "gets" per month is doubled if he takes this girl's offer.  Rather than simply admit he has no idea what a "gig" is, he'll take the offer because $160 a month is a fair price to pay rather than just tell a total stranger you have no idea you know what she's talking about.  If you've got the money, I guess.*

Because he can't think of an actual pick-up line, he decides that this girl is offering him a great deal because he's a celebrity ( I have no idea who he is and no, I don't care.)

"We are just talking loudly for some reason."  Probably the same reason you are standing in the middle of a virtually-empty store discussing gigs instead of acting like every single employee and customer I've ever seen in every actual AT&T store I've ever been in- employee behind the counter, customer on the other side of the counter, store crowded and noisy with frustrated people wandering around waiting for their turn to be assisted (their place on line being displayed on a monitor.)  If I ever walked into one of these stores and was actually greeted by someone like the people in these ads always are, I think I'd faint.

*In another one of these awful ads- which I don't think I'll bother giving it's own roasting- this woman reads the mind of the hipster doofus who saunters in- "yes, we have the new iPhone."  The customer is stunned that she knows what he came in for, which is kind of like being stunned that Red wants to get lunch at Wendy's.  "I knew you came in for the new iPhone because evey witless zombie with money burning holes in his pocket wants the new iPhone.  Why should you be any different?"

Once again, Apple makes us long for the sweet embrace of death. Or, at least, deafness

There is no longer any doubt in my mind that Apple won't be satisfied until everyone on the planet loves their phones and totally loathes their company.  If you don't want to hunt down and kill the people who came up with this ad, you are a far, far better person than I am.

I mean, there is just no point to it.  "This phone is big.  This phone is bigger.  Let's repeat this incredibly simple idea five times because this ad simply must be at least 20 seconds long for no good reason, even if repeating the idea makes a simple, effective ad horrible and obnoxious."

They must have got the "idea" from that insanely craptacular "frog protection" credit card ad.  You know, the one that had you looking for a window to jump out of.  Ugh.

Well, at least she's not at a swimming pool. That's something, I guess

Well, actually, no- she's supposed to be chaparoning.  It's "her turn."  Which means she's kind of supposed to be the adult in the room who is making things are going ok.  Not just another warm body who happens to be older than the children, with no responsibilities, leaving her free to watch tv on her stupid phone while the kids do whatever.

I know I'm talking to the wind here.  As I've posted before, I see more actual parents of actual children totally ignoring their own kids playing (and often doing things that really, really require supervision) so that they can stare at their Much More Important phones.  Why should I expect more from a teacher/chaparone who isn't even related to these kids?  Oh yeah, that whole lawsuit thing.  I guess.  But still, there's this game on, and never mind that anyone who has a phone like this is certainly DVRing everything back home anyway.

I hate this century so very much.  Have I mentioned that before?

If you can't beat the Zombies, join the Zombies?

Yes, I suppose that if you don't understand the tv-addled morons who bleat lines from the shows they are sadly devoted to, you might feel a little "left out."  Of course, it's kind of like being left out of a group's drug addiction (actually, it's exactly like that,) but if you absolutely must be a part of the crowd, then by all means get Xfinity and devote every spare moment of your life catching up on all the brainless crap your co-workers are watching.

Or, just do what I do- shrug and move on, confident that the fresh air, sunshine, exercise, books and friends who "deprive" you of time to turn your brain into pudding watching all this crud as your eyes burn out of your head is a fair exchange for witless, violent junk, even if it means you don't always know what your stupid, time-sucking coworkers are talking about.   Your choice.

The most depressing pool party ever

There is so much wrong and sad here, it's almost impossible to know where to start.  I really should get paid for this gig- but doing work I'm not paid for is kind of a way of life for me anyway, so....

This festive-looking gathering is one kid's graduation party, being hosted at his house by his parents.  The kid has a lot of pretty, racially diverse friends who have shown up because it's a good setting to talk about and demonstrate their phones and after all Hey There's a Pool to sit around.  He has more friends than these though because he and his guests keep getting texts from people who are NOT there- one even asks "hey, what's up?"  (I suppose the reply will be "I'm at my own graduation party, kind of awkward to let you know you weren't on the invite list.")

His dad can't be Typical TV Dad Stupid- he has to ramp it up a notch by claiming he can smell the picture of ribs that his son just took (doesn't occur to dad that what he smells is the ribs he is cooking, which are directly under his nose, oh no....)  Naturally, Mom is there to let Dad know what a clueless jackass he's being.  Of course.

Mom and Dad seem to be seeing their son's phone for the first time- I guess he paid for it himself at least- um, right?  Oh, who am I kidding.  Mom and Dad paid for the phone- they just don't know anything about it because Newly Minted Graduate Son picked it out, they just paid for it and continue to pay for it.

Now that I think of it, this isn't a party at all-just  a gathering of people who want to compare phones which quickly devolves into two camps- those who have this Cool New Phone Which Will Be Ancient Crap Next Summer and people who still have Last Summer's Cool New Phone Which Is Ancient Crap Now.  If I showed up with my LG Xpression, which I believe was the Must Have Phone of February 2011, I probably wouldn't even be allowed in.  And if I mentioned I didn't have a phone or didn't bring it with me?  They'd look at me like I was Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.  No phone?  How do I watch tv?  How did I FIND the party?  How do I breathe?

Well, I didn't know how to start this critique, but I sure know how to end it.  All the people in this ad need to die and end their worthless lives right now.  Sometimes "harsh" and "true" are the same things.

Subaru gets Love wrong. Again.

I guess this is supposed to be a Dad trying to connect with his Son, but it's so devoid of human emotion, it feels a lot more like Mom's New Boyfriend trying to connect to Her Kid to me.

Dad's being a total fail here on so many levels.  First of all, why is the kid in the back seat?  So Dad can keep his distance, reminding himself that the kid is there now and then by glancing into the rear view mirror?  Are Subarus so unsafe that it's not recommended kids ride in front?  What the hell?

Secondly, there's no dialogue between the two at all.  Dad seems to think that all he has to do is show the kid a few disconnected objects- a tree, a view- no need to let the kid know WHY he's showing these things.  Why is this tree so important?  Because it's big?  What ABOUT the view?  Is it supposed to inspire?  Why isn't Dad doing any instructing or explaining or just plain SHARING?  I don't blame the kid for not responding- he has no idea what this is all about.  So he takes refuge in his cell phone, as if he is alone in on this journey- because he might as well be.

The father finally- accidentally- discovers something the kid likes- Bison.  So he does something right- he brings the kid to see more bison.  Cool.  Does this lead to a discussion of bison including what other animals they are related to, or what they eat, or how they were hunted almost to extinction 120 years ago?  That would be great.  Considering that all we see at the end of the ad is the two mutes staring at a herd, why do I doubt this?

Maybe Subaru should just drop this "Love" ad campaign.  They don't seem to know what the word means beyond "Love means using your Subaru to do stuff."  And they don't even know how to illustrate THAT meme very well.  At all.