Amazon, Amazon's Not-Kindle, and Dishonest Advertising

Most commerials are deceitful in one way or another, usually engaging in dishonesty through omission. But this ad contains an outright LIE.  Two of them.  Did you hear both?

1.  "With a free month of Amazon Prime for new members, you'll get unlimited streaming of more than 40,000 movie and tv episodes...." um, no you won't.  First, you can't logically put the number "40,000" and "unlimited" in the same sentence.  Second, it's not possible to stream 40,000 tv and/or movie episodes in one month- what the ad is really saying is "you can go back and watch up to 40,000 pieces of crap on your phone IF, when the free month is over, you subscribe to the service."

2.  "You have a lot to do."  Um, no you don't.  If you had "a lot to do," you wouldn't have time to turn your brain into warm, mushy pudding watching crap on a tiny screen.  And no, I don't count watching tv as "doing" something, sorry.

Oh, and for "good" Italian food? I guess that would mean a trip to The Olive Garden

And if you think that a national chain of fast food restaurants is the place to go for good barbecue, you've never, ever had good barbecue.  And if you insist on going to Wendy's for barbecue, you never, ever will.

Shouldn't "Red" be 100 lbs overweight and shooting insulin on a daily basis by now?  She sure should not be eating Every Freaking Meal as if she's going to the electric chair as soon as it's done.

Actually, this is more about seeking validation through face time than beer

Can someone explain to me why I give a flying damn about any of the people in this ad?

As near as I can tell, it's nothing more than totally random people urging other people to help them celebrate the holidays by drinking crappy beer.  Most of these people strike me as being really ugly and stupid and not at all interesting, but willing to offer beer in exchange for a little companionship.

The guy at the beginning is hoping to seal the deal by presenting his beer in an old-timey wooden box- yeah, because that might con someone really dumb into thinking that it will make the contents taste better. Not buying it.

(The woman who points out that she hasn't seen the people she is begging "for six years" is especially depressing.  So she's hoping that Budweiser will break down the barrier?  Really?)

And does Budweiser really expect us to make our own little video clips and send them along so they can be used to make commercials for their swill, for free?  Oh, who am I kidding, I bet a million exhibitionist losers do exactly that.

Did I miss something here?

I can see how the Woodford Way would lead to a long, lasting, meaningful relationship

"When I see a man drinking bourbon, I think 'there's a guy who knows how to build a bookshelf.  And not just a bookshelf-kit IKEA type bookshelf.  I mean, this is a guy who already knows where the lumberyard is.  Probably because it's next to the bar, but he knows where the lumberyard is.  Making him a man.  A man who likes to work with lumber and drink alcohol, which to me is just an awesome combination."

"Speaking of awesome combinations, he's also a guy who lets me use the saw, and thinks it's cute that I don't know how to use the saw.  Yes, that means exactly the way it sounds- it means he thinks it's cute when I endanger myself playing with a very sharp instrument.  I bet he'd really giggle if I drew blood, I'm such a silly girl I can't even manage to handle something he can operate while drinking bourbon.  He's so amazing, he makes me swoon."

"So I guess what I'm saying here is, I really, really like guys who drink whiskey and can build bookcases.  Because drunk and handy with tools, that's just so hot.  I really have to remember to add that to my eHarmony profile- 'Seeking Guy Who Likes To Get Drunk Quickly And Then Operate The Saw and Let Me Operate it Too.  There's got to be a lot of people who fit that description, and I'm sure they are all really nice."

"I bet he'd make a good soulmate, too.  I mean, what more could a girl want?"

"I'm here to say yes to whatever you offer me."

The guy in this stupid ad has no idea what a "gig" is, but thinks he's getting a great deal because the amount he "gets" per month is doubled if he takes this girl's offer.  Rather than simply admit he has no idea what a "gig" is, he'll take the offer because $160 a month is a fair price to pay rather than just tell a total stranger you have no idea you know what she's talking about.  If you've got the money, I guess.*

Because he can't think of an actual pick-up line, he decides that this girl is offering him a great deal because he's a celebrity ( I have no idea who he is and no, I don't care.)

"We are just talking loudly for some reason."  Probably the same reason you are standing in the middle of a virtually-empty store discussing gigs instead of acting like every single employee and customer I've ever seen in every actual AT&T store I've ever been in- employee behind the counter, customer on the other side of the counter, store crowded and noisy with frustrated people wandering around waiting for their turn to be assisted (their place on line being displayed on a monitor.)  If I ever walked into one of these stores and was actually greeted by someone like the people in these ads always are, I think I'd faint.

*In another one of these awful ads- which I don't think I'll bother giving it's own roasting- this woman reads the mind of the hipster doofus who saunters in- "yes, we have the new iPhone."  The customer is stunned that she knows what he came in for, which is kind of like being stunned that Red wants to get lunch at Wendy's.  "I knew you came in for the new iPhone because evey witless zombie with money burning holes in his pocket wants the new iPhone.  Why should you be any different?"

Once again, Apple makes us long for the sweet embrace of death. Or, at least, deafness

There is no longer any doubt in my mind that Apple won't be satisfied until everyone on the planet loves their phones and totally loathes their company.  If you don't want to hunt down and kill the people who came up with this ad, you are a far, far better person than I am.

I mean, there is just no point to it.  "This phone is big.  This phone is bigger.  Let's repeat this incredibly simple idea five times because this ad simply must be at least 20 seconds long for no good reason, even if repeating the idea makes a simple, effective ad horrible and obnoxious."

They must have got the "idea" from that insanely craptacular "frog protection" credit card ad.  You know, the one that had you looking for a window to jump out of.  Ugh.

Well, at least she's not at a swimming pool. That's something, I guess

Well, actually, no- she's supposed to be chaparoning.  It's "her turn."  Which means she's kind of supposed to be the adult in the room who is making things are going ok.  Not just another warm body who happens to be older than the children, with no responsibilities, leaving her free to watch tv on her stupid phone while the kids do whatever.

I know I'm talking to the wind here.  As I've posted before, I see more actual parents of actual children totally ignoring their own kids playing (and often doing things that really, really require supervision) so that they can stare at their Much More Important phones.  Why should I expect more from a teacher/chaparone who isn't even related to these kids?  Oh yeah, that whole lawsuit thing.  I guess.  But still, there's this game on, and never mind that anyone who has a phone like this is certainly DVRing everything back home anyway.

I hate this century so very much.  Have I mentioned that before?