"I'm so glad I married you instead of adopting you!"

"She's still the one for you" (because the babysitter won't give you the time of day.)

"And she reminds you every day" (that you live in a shared-property state and you'll lose half your wealth in the settlement if you let your eye wander a little too far.  Sorry, buddy- you bought her, you're keeping her.  Another divorce would just cost a bit too much.)

I know I've done this before- but seriously, could they please make just ONE Cialis commercial which features a guy who WASN'T born during the Kennedy Administration married to a woman who WASN'T born during Carter Administration?

I mean, I guess this is kind of a public service to the women out there- yeah, he's got money, yeah, he can give you a nice house- but guess what?  His libido is going to go long before yours is.  Better talk to your doctor about slipping these pills into his Metamucil- I mean, if you want to keep having sex with him, that is.

And hey, there's still all that money and that nice house.

Kate Upton Not Included

In the end, you've just wasted more of your life playing an intensely childish game in order to justify your purchase of an Android device.

And that part of your life you wasted? Guess what- it ain't coming back.  Sucker.

Yes, Android junkies. You have all the time in the world. And this is what you are doing with it?

1.  Never mind the barely-visible words.  Please, please, please, cellphone-addict losers- do attempt this.  I mean, what could possibly go wrong?  Just make sure I'm not innocently walking along the street below.

2.  It's the easiest thing in the world for me to believe that a person falling to his death from a rooftop would spend the last few moments of his life looking at his cellphone.  Everyone wants to die with their loved ones nearby, after all.

This Nissan Ad gets a rerun, and another invitation to get the hell off my tv

I know I've posted on this horrible commercial already, but after vanishing (unwept and unsung) for several months, it's made a comeback in a big way- like, showing up during Every Freaking Break during Every Freaking College and NFL Football game, and plenty of times during the week as well. I don't know why it happened (other than the standard "G-d hates me" explanation) but I find it very hard to believe it's because of "popular demand."

Because I find it very hard to believe that people really like ads which remind them of the most douchenozzley thing people do with their cars- crank their stereos up and force every neighborhood they drive through to "spread their joy" (share their taste in music, whether we want to or not.)  So if we are sitting in an outdoor cafe, nothing makes us more joyful than dicktards with great sound systems?  How about if we live in a housing project- are we just sitting on our balconies waiting for some jackass to come by blasting 2 seconds of his music as he speeds by the interstate off-ramp which services our hovel?

(Or, far more commonly- if we live in a suburb, and he needs to let us know he's coming from six blocks away by showing off his awesome bass at three o'clock in the morning? Really?)

And is this guy just playing the same damn song over and over again, because sometimes he's on the highway and sometimes he's at stop signs- what the hell is his deal, anyway?

Acura breaks it's own pretention record

The actual product being offered shows up at the 37-second mark of this 60-second ad.  Which is actually not bad considering that T Mobile is currently producing ads which only incidentally show its product in the final three or four seconds of  60-second ads.

But even T Mobile can't manage this level of smothering self-importance.  This is Apple-level over-the-top indulgence.  Maybe the people who built this thing (it's a freaking CAR, for Chrissakes) are overwhelmed by their brilliance, but it's pretty damned obnoxious to expect us to be.  I'd tell Acura to get the hell over itself ("Made for Mankind?"  Then why aren't you giving these things away? Don't you really mean "Made for the One Percent?")  but considering that we are only a few weeks away from the Season of Red Ribbons Around Cars Which Make Great Christmas Gifts If You Have Money Falling Out Of Your Ass, it's hardly worth it.

CVS doesn't sell handguns, either. My world is coming to an end!

I can't even begin to express my disgust at this ad, which tells us everything that is wrong with American consumerism AND American "health" care.  What the HELL are PHARMACIES doing SELLING CIGARS IN THE FIRST PLACE????

"If your Drug Store has stopped stocking your favorite cigars...." GOOD!!!  Drugs are supposed to improve health or at least allieviate suffering.  What the hell do CIGARS have to do with EITHER?

Every time I hear this radio ad- at least a few times a day- I laugh, and then kind of sad.  Then I remember the scene in Michael Moore's Sicko where the director is told that pharmacies in England do not sell cigars, cigarettes- or candy, or potato chips- because hey, it's a pharmacy.  When are we going to catch up?

Cheap cigars are still being sold out of every 7-11 in the country.  I assume there are still Cigar stores.  There's the internet.  In other words, cigars aren't going away,  They are just aren't being sold next to the baby formula and antihistamines anymore.  Boo f--ing hoo.

(BTW, if you find yourself "panicking" because your favorite pharmacy has stopped selling your favorite cigars, GET HELP.  You really, really need it.)

LegalZoom's heartwarming tribute to Capitalism

"My mom made the BEST toffee ever.  She'd make it on cold winter days as a very special treat- I can still remember coming home from school and finding a plate on it on the kitchen table and how happy it made me to eat it while drinking a glass of milk and telling mom all about my day....

And when I got older, I would help Mom make her toffee for holiday gift baskets, it was so much fun to make batch after batch and break it up and put it into gaily decorated boxes and hand them out to the mailman and the gas man and the sitter and my teachers at school, they all loved my Mom's toffee so very much...

And all along, my dream was that someday my Mom would kick off and leave me the recipe, so I could turn the recipe that had been passed down through five generations going back to the old country into a business employing six people at minimum wage and earning me some serious coin after the second year, once the industrial toffee-pulling machine had been paid off allowing me to can those teenagers I allowed to 'intern' with me during their summer before starting college.....

And then I achieved the larger vision in my dream, shutting down my local operation and moving the whole enterprise to Singapore, where it now employs 200 11-year olds making $600 a year under the supervision of very reasonably priced overseers.  Once I replaced the cane sugar with corn sugar (sugar is sugar!) and added an amazing array of artificial colors and flavors, the money REALLY began to roll in!

Every once in a while, I even whip up a batch of my Mom's Now Famous Toffee- it almost tastes like the crap I sold 4.5 million boxes of in 86 countries last year!  Thanks, Legal Zoom, for making my dream come true!

Oh, and thanks, Mom, wherever you are!