Ameriprise and Tommy Lee Jones aren't speaking to me. Are they speaking to you?

For most of the people in this ad, the answer seems to be "yeah, maybe, if I don't add to the hundreds of thousands I already have in investments, and I don't cut back on the Aspen ski vacations."  I mean, none of these characters look like they are hurting at all.

For me, and for a growing number of Americans, the answer to "will I outlive my money" in retirement is "depends.  If I don't retire, the answer is no.  I won't outlive my money.  I'll just keep working and living off my paycheck until one day I simply don't wake up.  Then I 'win,' right?"

Or it's "no, I won't.  I don't make the salary that would allow me to put enough of it into retirement.  So just like the vast majority of working-class people since the dawn of the industrial age, all I really have to look forward to is work until I can no longer do it, followed by poverty until that day I simply don't wake up."

My question is, what does Tommy Lee Jones and this investment group want me to do about it?  Oh, right- absolutely nothing.  This commercial was not written for me.  It was written for people who have large amounts of disposable income at the end of every month who are spending it on luxuries instead of giving it to this investment group to play with.   Definitely NOT me.

It would be nice if the answer to Mr. Jones' question was something other than "take more of that extra money you have and put it into investments," because that's really not an option for an already huge and growing segment of the population.  How about "let's push Congress to write realistic tax law which shifts the burden to those who can most afford it and takes it off those who can least afford it (and who have been carrying that burden for more than thirty years now?")  How about "let's strengthen and expand Social Security so that it's more like a pension, recognizing that if we are going to have a permanent economy of stagnant wages we are going to have to do more to provide for the people we are denying the ability to save for themselves?"  Or maybe "let's adopt Socialized Medicine in recognition of the fact that the cost of medication is an enormous contributor to poverty in retirement?"

Any of those would be better answers for people who are forced to spend every penny of their paychecks than "invest more."  But I don't know why I expect anything other than this from advertising firms which believe that the answer to "my kids use too much data" is "get this unlimited data plan."  So my only response to Ameriprise's "invest more of what you don't have" advice is "which kidney should I sell?"

The game that crushed a thousand "Friend"ships?

I've personally been forced to "Unfriend" people on Facebook for their refusal to take a hint and stop "inviting" me to play this game, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one.

It's not the game in particular.  It's that I happen to think that video games are an enormous waste of time and best left in childhood.  No, I do NOT want commentary from "gamers" (cough-losers) insisting that apologize for daring to suggest that spending hours pretending to blow things up and be soldiers and conquer planets is a pathetically sad waste of a life- there are plenty of blogs out there celebrating "gaming" (cough-written by losers-cough) and anyone who wants to piss their lives away playing video games is perfectly free to do so.  I'm entitled to my opinion, you are entitled to yours.  It costs me nothing if you want to spend yours playing with a toy pretending to be someone or something else.  Go for it.

But after the hundredth or so "invite" from people who simply could not comprehend my refusal to respond, enough was enough.  So sorry I dropped your Friends counter a bit.  I wonder if you even noticed, or were to distracted by your idiot game?

"I'm so glad I married you instead of adopting you!"

"She's still the one for you" (because the babysitter won't give you the time of day.)

"And she reminds you every day" (that you live in a shared-property state and you'll lose half your wealth in the settlement if you let your eye wander a little too far.  Sorry, buddy- you bought her, you're keeping her.  Another divorce would just cost a bit too much.)

I know I've done this before- but seriously, could they please make just ONE Cialis commercial which features a guy who WASN'T born during the Kennedy Administration married to a woman who WASN'T born during Carter Administration?

I mean, I guess this is kind of a public service to the women out there- yeah, he's got money, yeah, he can give you a nice house- but guess what?  His libido is going to go long before yours is.  Better talk to your doctor about slipping these pills into his Metamucil- I mean, if you want to keep having sex with him, that is.

And hey, there's still all that money and that nice house.

Kate Upton Not Included

In the end, you've just wasted more of your life playing an intensely childish game in order to justify your purchase of an Android device.

And that part of your life you wasted? Guess what- it ain't coming back.  Sucker.

Yes, Android junkies. You have all the time in the world. And this is what you are doing with it?

1.  Never mind the barely-visible words.  Please, please, please, cellphone-addict losers- do attempt this.  I mean, what could possibly go wrong?  Just make sure I'm not innocently walking along the street below.

2.  It's the easiest thing in the world for me to believe that a person falling to his death from a rooftop would spend the last few moments of his life looking at his cellphone.  Everyone wants to die with their loved ones nearby, after all.

This Nissan Ad gets a rerun, and another invitation to get the hell off my tv

I know I've posted on this horrible commercial already, but after vanishing (unwept and unsung) for several months, it's made a comeback in a big way- like, showing up during Every Freaking Break during Every Freaking College and NFL Football game, and plenty of times during the week as well. I don't know why it happened (other than the standard "G-d hates me" explanation) but I find it very hard to believe it's because of "popular demand."

Because I find it very hard to believe that people really like ads which remind them of the most douchenozzley thing people do with their cars- crank their stereos up and force every neighborhood they drive through to "spread their joy" (share their taste in music, whether we want to or not.)  So if we are sitting in an outdoor cafe, nothing makes us more joyful than dicktards with great sound systems?  How about if we live in a housing project- are we just sitting on our balconies waiting for some jackass to come by blasting 2 seconds of his music as he speeds by the interstate off-ramp which services our hovel?

(Or, far more commonly- if we live in a suburb, and he needs to let us know he's coming from six blocks away by showing off his awesome bass at three o'clock in the morning? Really?)

And is this guy just playing the same damn song over and over again, because sometimes he's on the highway and sometimes he's at stop signs- what the hell is his deal, anyway?

Acura breaks it's own pretention record

The actual product being offered shows up at the 37-second mark of this 60-second ad.  Which is actually not bad considering that T Mobile is currently producing ads which only incidentally show its product in the final three or four seconds of  60-second ads.

But even T Mobile can't manage this level of smothering self-importance.  This is Apple-level over-the-top indulgence.  Maybe the people who built this thing (it's a freaking CAR, for Chrissakes) are overwhelmed by their brilliance, but it's pretty damned obnoxious to expect us to be.  I'd tell Acura to get the hell over itself ("Made for Mankind?"  Then why aren't you giving these things away? Don't you really mean "Made for the One Percent?")  but considering that we are only a few weeks away from the Season of Red Ribbons Around Cars Which Make Great Christmas Gifts If You Have Money Falling Out Of Your Ass, it's hardly worth it.