Wow- and I thought Flo was just a freakishly bad computer animation!

And it turns out I was wrong- this commercial proves that "Flo" is an actual human being who has not seen the sun since the Clinton Administration but has instead been "starring" in horrible insurance commercials waiting for that Sitcom offer that is apparently never coming.  My bad.

As for the people who are just blown away by the sight of Flo in the Flesh- well, not a whole lot going on in your lives, is there?  Personally, I'd be too busy being grossed out by this fishbelly-white, overexposed weirdo than thrilled to be in the same room with her, as you clearly are.  What the hell is the matter with you people?

And Flo?  Seriously, I'd rather watch a dozen AFLAC Duck Commercials in a row than learn that your contract has been picked up for another season of Progressive Knows How To Beat An Idea To Death Just As Much As Geico.  In other words, you've gone to seed.  A long time ago, actually.

Eat Like That Guy You Know- the one that has Type 2 Diabetes.

I have no idea why, at the end of this ad, we see the apparently athletic, fit White Guy eating disgustingly fatty, salty, totally devoid-of-nutritious value orange chees-y macaroni crud cooked up by the Black Guy From The Food Court.  Or why he was introduced playing with one of those little helicopter toys popular in the trendy electronics stores two years ago and then playing hackeysack like it's 1999.  Simply put, I have no idea what any of this has to do with eating life-shortening sludge.

Or why, if we knew a guy who ate like this, we would want to emulate him.  Any suggestions?

Warning: These Walmart Ads may be used to induce vomiting

I tried to find the brand new one with the grinning idiot who bleats "wait till FRIDAY? That's CRAZY" but it's ok that I didn't- it deserves it's own post anyway.

At first I thought this woman actually said "Thanksgiving HUG" but replayed it again and heard "Hub," which is just a little less horrible, but just barely.  This insane "say goodbye to your family and rush to Walmart before you are finishing digesting your turkey" message is made even worse by the chirpy delight this woman takes in telling us about it.

"We don't want you to miss these 'special events'-- hmm, the whole time I was growing up, 'special events' on Thankgiving meant eating walnuts, then playing touch football, then eating dinner, then watching football and cleaning and basically just enjoying eachother's company.  Then eating desert.

When did "jump into the car and head off to Walmart to push and shove your way through crowds of idiots" become more attractive than any of that?  Oh yeah- around the time society collapsed, I guess.

Hey, it could be worse- you could be one of those people saying goodbye to their families before dawn ON THANKSGIVING in order to make sure the shelves are stocked with Made in China crap so that the heirs of Sam Walton can earn a few more million to toss onto the pile.  If you are one of those Walmart employees, get there extra early and maybe there will be something nice in your store's "Contribute To Your Fellow Employees So They Have Enough To Eat" box.

To all of you on the corporate board at Walmart, from this nobody blogger:  there's a special ring in hell reserved for you loathsome, bloodsucking, soulless toads.  There just HAS to be.

Ameriprise and Tommy Lee Jones aren't speaking to me. Are they speaking to you?

For most of the people in this ad, the answer seems to be "yeah, maybe, if I don't add to the hundreds of thousands I already have in investments, and I don't cut back on the Aspen ski vacations."  I mean, none of these characters look like they are hurting at all.

For me, and for a growing number of Americans, the answer to "will I outlive my money" in retirement is "depends.  If I don't retire, the answer is no.  I won't outlive my money.  I'll just keep working and living off my paycheck until one day I simply don't wake up.  Then I 'win,' right?"

Or it's "no, I won't.  I don't make the salary that would allow me to put enough of it into retirement.  So just like the vast majority of working-class people since the dawn of the industrial age, all I really have to look forward to is work until I can no longer do it, followed by poverty until that day I simply don't wake up."

My question is, what does Tommy Lee Jones and this investment group want me to do about it?  Oh, right- absolutely nothing.  This commercial was not written for me.  It was written for people who have large amounts of disposable income at the end of every month who are spending it on luxuries instead of giving it to this investment group to play with.   Definitely NOT me.

It would be nice if the answer to Mr. Jones' question was something other than "take more of that extra money you have and put it into investments," because that's really not an option for an already huge and growing segment of the population.  How about "let's push Congress to write realistic tax law which shifts the burden to those who can most afford it and takes it off those who can least afford it (and who have been carrying that burden for more than thirty years now?")  How about "let's strengthen and expand Social Security so that it's more like a pension, recognizing that if we are going to have a permanent economy of stagnant wages we are going to have to do more to provide for the people we are denying the ability to save for themselves?"  Or maybe "let's adopt Socialized Medicine in recognition of the fact that the cost of medication is an enormous contributor to poverty in retirement?"

Any of those would be better answers for people who are forced to spend every penny of their paychecks than "invest more."  But I don't know why I expect anything other than this from advertising firms which believe that the answer to "my kids use too much data" is "get this unlimited data plan."  So my only response to Ameriprise's "invest more of what you don't have" advice is "which kidney should I sell?"

The game that crushed a thousand "Friend"ships?

I've personally been forced to "Unfriend" people on Facebook for their refusal to take a hint and stop "inviting" me to play this game, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one.

It's not the game in particular.  It's that I happen to think that video games are an enormous waste of time and best left in childhood.  No, I do NOT want commentary from "gamers" (cough-losers) insisting that apologize for daring to suggest that spending hours pretending to blow things up and be soldiers and conquer planets is a pathetically sad waste of a life- there are plenty of blogs out there celebrating "gaming" (cough-written by losers-cough) and anyone who wants to piss their lives away playing video games is perfectly free to do so.  I'm entitled to my opinion, you are entitled to yours.  It costs me nothing if you want to spend yours playing with a toy pretending to be someone or something else.  Go for it.

But after the hundredth or so "invite" from people who simply could not comprehend my refusal to respond, enough was enough.  So sorry I dropped your Friends counter a bit.  I wonder if you even noticed, or were to distracted by your idiot game?

"I'm so glad I married you instead of adopting you!"

"She's still the one for you" (because the babysitter won't give you the time of day.)

"And she reminds you every day" (that you live in a shared-property state and you'll lose half your wealth in the settlement if you let your eye wander a little too far.  Sorry, buddy- you bought her, you're keeping her.  Another divorce would just cost a bit too much.)

I know I've done this before- but seriously, could they please make just ONE Cialis commercial which features a guy who WASN'T born during the Kennedy Administration married to a woman who WASN'T born during Carter Administration?

I mean, I guess this is kind of a public service to the women out there- yeah, he's got money, yeah, he can give you a nice house- but guess what?  His libido is going to go long before yours is.  Better talk to your doctor about slipping these pills into his Metamucil- I mean, if you want to keep having sex with him, that is.

And hey, there's still all that money and that nice house.

Kate Upton Not Included

In the end, you've just wasted more of your life playing an intensely childish game in order to justify your purchase of an Android device.

And that part of your life you wasted? Guess what- it ain't coming back.  Sucker.