The North Pole would love to provide a health care plan, but the boss's daughter wants a new Lexus, so....

Ok, as near as I can figure it, the guy in this ad (who bears a striking resemblence to Santa Claus) works hard in a brutal sweatshop in some Northern climate (Siberia?) doing work which has become automated in most of the civilized world.  (I'm not actually sure that giant wheels have been turned by humans since the 15th century- outside of a Conan The Barbarian movie, that is.)

Anyway, this fat bearded guy is so ungrateful for the job some benevolent factory owner "gave" him that he's constantly pulling this whiny "oh my poor back" bit, until every other employee on the floor gets it, your back hurts, oh boo hoo Don't You Know There Are People Who Don't Have Any Jobs At All Get Back To Your Wheel.*

Finally, three ghosts visit the factory owner (they find him at his winter palace in Vail) and convince him that he's being too hard on his employees (especially the elderly ones with bad taste in clothes.)  So he decided that yes, it's time to provide a health care plan.  Thus, the bottle of Aleve.

Did I figure this right?

*Are we supposed to find it heartwarming that Santa pops a pill and gets right back to cranking out crap for spoiled kids? I have a better idea for an old man who is doing work which is causing him constant pain- STOP DOING THAT WORK.  And a bottle of Aleve?  F--K THAT!  Fill out a Worker's Comp form and get an attorney!

Even the cute AT&T girl can't save this one

The guy who posted this banal garbage to the internet goes by the name "NoMoreBoredom."  Wow- it didn't take much, did it?  Some jokes just write themselves.

This ad isn't funny.  It's not even remotely amusing.  It's actually head-to-desk rock-stupid and more than a little insulting.  And I may be overreacting here, but I really wish that everyone involved in it's making would just apologize, swear off any career involving cameras, and crawl under a rock.   And die.

Nothing funny here.  Nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.

Audi brings the pain, right on time

Yeah, because the guy who takes the temporary Santa gig at the local mall is SO in the market for a new Audi.  I'm sure the other people in the crowd include your average Starbucks barrista, High School teacher, metro bus driver, and grocery store cashier.  All running down the street, trying to catch up to the truck delivering Audis, so they can be told where to sign away half their monthly take-home pay for the next four years.

Seriously, bite me, Audi.

This guy can date this girl, and I'M going to be alone Saturday night? I'm not buying it, Taco Bell

1.  The girl in this ad is really cute, yet her "new boyfriend" looks like he's just rolled out of a dumpster, wearing the same clothes he put on in October.

2.  Dad sees that New Boyfriend has his hands full, yet offers to shake hands.  Does he expect New Boyfriend to just drop the food on the ground, because

3.  Girl doesn't make any effort to take some of his food so he can shake Dad's hand.  I guess she expects New Boyfriend to drop the food on the ground too?

4. I know this is kind of repetitive, but why is this girl with this guy?  Oh right, I forgot- because guys write these ads.

(oh, BTW- January 1 will mark the sixth anniversary of this blog, and this marks my 1500th post.  Wow, who would have thought there were so MANY bad commercials out there....I really thought I would do this for a week or so and run out of material....)

The greasy stuff does help clear nasal passages a bit. I'll give you that, Vicks

I've always thought that commercials for Nyquil and Dayquil were amongst the most hilarious and dishonest on television.  They always show people looking like they are on their deathbeds, coughing and sneezing and aching, etc.  Then they pop this pill or gag down a cup of this glowing green mostly-alcohol "medicine," and five minutes later they are off fighting fires or directing traffic or taking down terrorists or winning gold medals.  Please.

I mean, come on.  If this Nyquil junk works at all, it's as a sleep aid- I've noticed that if I gulp down half a bottle or so before bedtime, I can pass out pretty quickly and sleep through the night.   When I wake up, I'll have another day of coughing and sneezing and achiness to look forward to- but at least I got some sleep.  That's if I take Nyquil.  If I take Dayquil with my coffee in the morning, I suppose it adds a couple of calories to my breakfast but that's it- I'd call the weirdly transparent little gelcaps a placebo, except that placebos are kind of supposed to make you feel better.  Dayquil doesn't qualify.

So whichever monster pharmaceutical company that produces this stuff?  Please, stop insulting my intelligence.  There's nothing miraculous about the healing powers of alcohol and bad artificial, gag-inducing flavoring.  Thanks for helping me get to sleep, but I'd sooner believe that Saint Blaise medal I found in a box of Cracker Jacks relieved my cold symptoms than this overpriced crap.

Wow- and I thought Flo was just a freakishly bad computer animation!

And it turns out I was wrong- this commercial proves that "Flo" is an actual human being who has not seen the sun since the Clinton Administration but has instead been "starring" in horrible insurance commercials waiting for that Sitcom offer that is apparently never coming.  My bad.

As for the people who are just blown away by the sight of Flo in the Flesh- well, not a whole lot going on in your lives, is there?  Personally, I'd be too busy being grossed out by this fishbelly-white, overexposed weirdo than thrilled to be in the same room with her, as you clearly are.  What the hell is the matter with you people?

And Flo?  Seriously, I'd rather watch a dozen AFLAC Duck Commercials in a row than learn that your contract has been picked up for another season of Progressive Knows How To Beat An Idea To Death Just As Much As Geico.  In other words, you've gone to seed.  A long time ago, actually.

Eat Like That Guy You Know- the one that has Type 2 Diabetes.

I have no idea why, at the end of this ad, we see the apparently athletic, fit White Guy eating disgustingly fatty, salty, totally devoid-of-nutritious value orange chees-y macaroni crud cooked up by the Black Guy From The Food Court.  Or why he was introduced playing with one of those little helicopter toys popular in the trendy electronics stores two years ago and then playing hackeysack like it's 1999.  Simply put, I have no idea what any of this has to do with eating life-shortening sludge.

Or why, if we knew a guy who ate like this, we would want to emulate him.  Any suggestions?