For all the wrong reasons, Honda gives us a blast from the past

About half a dozen of these horrible Honda "remember when you were a kid and a simple toy could make you happy- you know, before you became an entitled douchebag who thinks CARS make good Christmas presents" commercials popped out of nowhere and on to my television a few days ago.  They are all very depressing, but this one is probably the worst, because it includes a really cool toy from the mid-1980s, otherwise known as the Decade When Everything That Makes Life Worth Living Peaked.

I mean, when you think about it, the 80s were the decade of The Cars and R.E.M. and Michael Jackson and Madonna in her cute Material Girl stage and the last decade until rap music invaded the airwaves and dumbed down music, apparently forever.  It was the last decade in which pretty much nobody had a cellphone- which meant you could be legitimately out of touch and have a conversation with someone without being interrupted by Someone More Interesting On Their iPhone.  It was the last decade without the internet, the last decade without 24/7 "news," and the last decade in which we didn't fight a single war for no clear reason in the Middle East.  It was the decade in which the real Star Wars Trilogy wrapped up and we had no idea that Lucas would go insane and ruin it with CGI recuts and three god-awful crap "prequels" later.  It was the decade in which Democrats and Republicans could get together to fix Social Security and grant amnesty to undocumented workers.

It was the decade of Danger Mouse and miniature GI Joe Action Figures and Zelda II (if you had an inside girl at Waxie Maxie's- and I did.)  And it was the decade of He Man and Skeletor as toys, not as lame-ass spokesjokes for Honda.  (From almost ruling Eternia to this- man have you fallen far, Skeletor!)

"Remember when you wanted me for Christmas?"  Well, no- but I remember when my nephew did.  Neither he nor I grew up to imagine getting Hondas for Christmas, but I bet we'd both appreciate a cool He-Man toy in our stockings.

I need help with this NFL Commercial

Can someone explain to me why I should give a flying damn about this woman and her Vikings Steelers Giants Whoever family?

I mean, how could this possibly have any impact on me at all?  I'm a Patriots fan who used to be married to a Buffalo Bills fan (I lived in the Buffalo area during the four years in which that team perfected the art of losing the Superbowl, failing by a larger margin each time.)  I rooted for the Bills (the Pats stank at the time) but never became a fan.  My wife remained a big Bills fan.  The rest of my family, and hers?  Couldn't care less.  Because jeeesh- it's football, not a freaking religion.

And it's not like a Red Sox fan marrying a Yankee fan- I mean, that would be too much, of course.

So can someone explain this to me?  Please?

The North Pole would love to provide a health care plan, but the boss's daughter wants a new Lexus, so....

Ok, as near as I can figure it, the guy in this ad (who bears a striking resemblence to Santa Claus) works hard in a brutal sweatshop in some Northern climate (Siberia?) doing work which has become automated in most of the civilized world.  (I'm not actually sure that giant wheels have been turned by humans since the 15th century- outside of a Conan The Barbarian movie, that is.)

Anyway, this fat bearded guy is so ungrateful for the job some benevolent factory owner "gave" him that he's constantly pulling this whiny "oh my poor back" bit, until every other employee on the floor gets it, your back hurts, oh boo hoo Don't You Know There Are People Who Don't Have Any Jobs At All Get Back To Your Wheel.*

Finally, three ghosts visit the factory owner (they find him at his winter palace in Vail) and convince him that he's being too hard on his employees (especially the elderly ones with bad taste in clothes.)  So he decided that yes, it's time to provide a health care plan.  Thus, the bottle of Aleve.

Did I figure this right?

*Are we supposed to find it heartwarming that Santa pops a pill and gets right back to cranking out crap for spoiled kids? I have a better idea for an old man who is doing work which is causing him constant pain- STOP DOING THAT WORK.  And a bottle of Aleve?  F--K THAT!  Fill out a Worker's Comp form and get an attorney!

Even the cute AT&T girl can't save this one

The guy who posted this banal garbage to the internet goes by the name "NoMoreBoredom."  Wow- it didn't take much, did it?  Some jokes just write themselves.

This ad isn't funny.  It's not even remotely amusing.  It's actually head-to-desk rock-stupid and more than a little insulting.  And I may be overreacting here, but I really wish that everyone involved in it's making would just apologize, swear off any career involving cameras, and crawl under a rock.   And die.

Nothing funny here.  Nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.

Audi brings the pain, right on time

Yeah, because the guy who takes the temporary Santa gig at the local mall is SO in the market for a new Audi.  I'm sure the other people in the crowd include your average Starbucks barrista, High School teacher, metro bus driver, and grocery store cashier.  All running down the street, trying to catch up to the truck delivering Audis, so they can be told where to sign away half their monthly take-home pay for the next four years.

Seriously, bite me, Audi.

This guy can date this girl, and I'M going to be alone Saturday night? I'm not buying it, Taco Bell

1.  The girl in this ad is really cute, yet her "new boyfriend" looks like he's just rolled out of a dumpster, wearing the same clothes he put on in October.

2.  Dad sees that New Boyfriend has his hands full, yet offers to shake hands.  Does he expect New Boyfriend to just drop the food on the ground, because

3.  Girl doesn't make any effort to take some of his food so he can shake Dad's hand.  I guess she expects New Boyfriend to drop the food on the ground too?

4. I know this is kind of repetitive, but why is this girl with this guy?  Oh right, I forgot- because guys write these ads.

(oh, BTW- January 1 will mark the sixth anniversary of this blog, and this marks my 1500th post.  Wow, who would have thought there were so MANY bad commercials out there....I really thought I would do this for a week or so and run out of material....)

The greasy stuff does help clear nasal passages a bit. I'll give you that, Vicks

I've always thought that commercials for Nyquil and Dayquil were amongst the most hilarious and dishonest on television.  They always show people looking like they are on their deathbeds, coughing and sneezing and aching, etc.  Then they pop this pill or gag down a cup of this glowing green mostly-alcohol "medicine," and five minutes later they are off fighting fires or directing traffic or taking down terrorists or winning gold medals.  Please.

I mean, come on.  If this Nyquil junk works at all, it's as a sleep aid- I've noticed that if I gulp down half a bottle or so before bedtime, I can pass out pretty quickly and sleep through the night.   When I wake up, I'll have another day of coughing and sneezing and achiness to look forward to- but at least I got some sleep.  That's if I take Nyquil.  If I take Dayquil with my coffee in the morning, I suppose it adds a couple of calories to my breakfast but that's it- I'd call the weirdly transparent little gelcaps a placebo, except that placebos are kind of supposed to make you feel better.  Dayquil doesn't qualify.

So whichever monster pharmaceutical company that produces this stuff?  Please, stop insulting my intelligence.  There's nothing miraculous about the healing powers of alcohol and bad artificial, gag-inducing flavoring.  Thanks for helping me get to sleep, but I'd sooner believe that Saint Blaise medal I found in a box of Cracker Jacks relieved my cold symptoms than this overpriced crap.