BMW decides to pile on this holiday season....

These are the toys that come from "Santa's Other Workshop"- because cheap Chinese junk is fine for the masses, but Santa knows what the one percent wants this Christmas.  It's the same thing they want every Christmas: Everything.

Because Santa can't actually deliver Everything, he'll drop by with a brand new BMW for the Last People On Earth Who Actually Deserve Stuff Like This right after he leaves Johnny Almost The Bike He Asked For and a note explaining to Suzie why he couldn't quite manage to fit those Boots Without Holes she really, really wanted into his magic sack.

Have I ever told you how much I really, really hate this time of year on television?

The geography of this Jeep commercial is suspicious

"When you're a pampered, self-centered Eurotrash douchenozzle with a model trophy wife, it can be hard to find the true spirit of Christmas from the warmed seat of your Jeep.  Even looking down your nose at the Not Nearly Good As You masses as they hussle about trying to make a buck- the pathetic little peons, some of them even try to get by with part-time gigs as Santa Claus, makes you think about what it's like not to be among the one percent- for a few moments, anyway."

"Best thing to do is just get away from it all- because you can.  Take your disgusting selves out of the city and it's huddled masses of People Who Are Not You and find a convenient mountain right next door with a Christmas tree which has been placed there and decorated Just For You and take in the Northern Lights which whip and flicker for no other reason except You Want Them Too and after all It's All About You Jackasses."

"Then stand there looking at the tree and the lights and each other and remind yourselves how awesome it is to be So Very Much Better Than Pretty Much Everyone Else on the Planet.  As if that's necessary."

Ummmm....how does this babysitter keep her job?

I'm sure there have been enough incidents to convince Mommy to fire her....maybe she's a little too cute for Daddy to let go of?  Just a thought.....

I mean, this smoke/carbon monoxide detector doesn't do EVERYTHING- if the obnoxious brats this girl is supposed to be watching are drowning each other in the bathtub, it won't yell clueless teen girl into getting off the couch, will it?  One of the kids is "really into fireworks"- but she figures as long as no smoke is being detected, she can continue watching tv and doing a YouTube video about the awesomeness of Nest Detectors?  Does she have an explanation for the parents and the police when Trevor blows his fingers off or fires one of his little rockets into his sister's face, blinding her for life?

I suppose this is a fairly useful product for the average tv family which of course is living in a vast, gleaming-white suburban mansion (it wouldn't do anything for me- if there's a fire in my apartment, chances are I'll know it before the detector does.)  But if I lived in one of these houses and installed one of these systems, I don't think I'd let the babysitter know about it.  Especially this babysitter, who sees it as a "oh good I can just ignore the kids if anything happens this thing will let me know before the damage gets TOO bad" excuse to nap while earning $10 an hour.*

*I have no idea how much babysitters make these days.  I suppose I could have asked a few of my students, but that would be doing research, and as I've mentioned many times in the past, I'm not getting paid for this gig.  So $10 an hour it is.

Infiniti Q50 commercial gets Karma wrong

So let me see if I understand this ad:

Infantile rich jackass lusts over black Infiniti.  Being Infantile, he notices a guy volunteering for the Salvation Army and decides "hey, maybe if I'm nice to this old man, somehow that will translate into me getting my childish, selfish wants fulfilled.  Worth a shot!"

So this guy blows an entire $1.86 on a cup of coffee at Starbucks and hands it to the Salvation Army guy.  There's no dialogue, so we can't know if he shared his Stunningly Self-Absorbed Christmas Wish with the guy (maybe "so.....I did something nice for you, can I have a $40,000 car now?")  But that doesn't matter- the guy believes this man is Santa, and if Santa sees us when we're sleeping and knows when we're awake, he doesn't need to be told that we are fantasizing about owning a new car.

We do know is that he notes a tear in "Santa's" jacket and proceeds to follow "Santa"  to "Santa's" luxury apartment and spend all of five minutes sewing it up.

At this point, let's remember that this guy's actions are all clearly being dictated by "If I'm nice to this guy, he'll get me that car."  Very important that we keep that in mind.

Next thing we know, rich guy is running out of his multi-million dollar suburban palace to  find his Christmas present- sure enough, "Santa" was REAL and decided to reward a few dollars of charity and a few minutes of attention with a $40,000 car.  Because Santa is every bit as big a dickwad as rich guy.

I mean, think about it- people all over the world perform random acts of kindness every single day, without any thought of immediate or future reward, Just Because.  Then there are the people who struggle with illness or poverty of their own, or that of a loved one, who want nothing more than for that illness or poverty  to go away.  For pretty much all of them, Christmas will come and go with no obvious reward.  But this manipulative dicktard basically bribes Santa for an hour or so, and gets an intensely juvenile Want fulfilled.  Just like that.  Heartwarming, huh?

BTW, the only way this whole mess results in actual Karma is if the jackass unsatisfied with his gilded life and multimillion-dollar house who managed to buy Santa gets into a horrible accident the very first time he takes his LookAtMeMobile out for a spin.  A horrible accident that leaves him disfigured, crippled, dead broke- and in desperate need for the prayers and best wishes of people who are nowhere near as loathsomely juvenile as he is.  THAT'S Karma, Infiniti.  Glad I could help.

Buick's Depresssing Salute to Black Friday

See, this ad is "funny" because Neighbor #1 just got back from Black Friday shopping and somehow got a black eye for his troubles.  What we are supposed to gather from this is that another customer didn't like the way Neighbor #1 was reaching for that particular object at Best Buy, punched him in the face, and took it instead.  Because it's the season to be jolly, and all that, I guess.

Neighbor #2 has so much empathy for Neighbor #1 that he responds by showing off HIS Black Friday purchase- a new Buick.  At which point, I'm going to snap out of my "how sad is it that the violence associated with Black Friday Hysteria Shopping is being celebrated here" mood and switch to "I would be perfectly ok if Neighbor #1 gave Neighbor #2 a black eye of his own because jeesh, what a pompous jerk...."

I won't even comment that most car commercials regularly show people acting as if every day is Black Friday at the dealership- rushing in to "claim" cars, practically knocking people out of the way to get the "best" ones, as if there's a limited quality available.  I'm too busy going back into Depressed that the period between Thanksgiving afternoon and the following Saturday has become a kind of Hunger Games for consumers is now considered normal.  Yet really wishing that Neighbor #1 would leave Neighbor #2 flattened in front of his suburban palace, sprawled grotesquely beside his beautiful new Buick.  I guess I'm kind of conflicted about this one.

Audi's salute to a city filled with douchenozzles, I guess

Judging from this ad, Raleigh is some magical place where everyone makes $500,000 a year, lives in a suburban mansion, and drives a massive LookAtMeMobile to Very Important Places which are Very Important because they are pretty people with pretty cars who have places to go (casually, of course.)

As far as I am concerned, it's a magical place which can't be obliterated by a meteor quickly enough.  Hell, I'd take a fast-moving plague if a meteor isn't available.  We could even agree to bury these pigs in their f---ing cars.

"See mom, I'm not wasting my life playing Xbox! I'm 'winning!'"

"Let me tell you something you already know"- ummm, why, exactly?

"Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows"- is that really what you wanted to tell me?  If the answer is "yes," then you're right- I already knew that.  Everyone over the age of two already knows that.

"It's not about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit," blah blah blah already horribly cliche'd clips from Rocky Balboa which has nothing to do with this ad since nobody sitting their fat butts down and playing stupid video games is either hitting or taking hits.....

"This is what winning is" -- or something like that, I'm not watching this awfulness any more times than I actually have to.  Winning is playing XBox? Um, whatever- I don't see a whole lot of "winning" going on here, unless being an adult and spending money on a stupid, time-consuming toy is what "winning" means nowadays ( I actually don't doubt it.)