So.....who went out to get the KFC Bucket of Death?

(Before I begin- please, again, note that at the end of the commercial, the bucket of fried crap is completely full despite the fact that this family of four is eating chicken and has more on their plates....KFC has never been good at logic or continuity....)

Somehow this guy got himself a wife, a family, and the kind of gigantic house everyone in tv land lives in, but he's too stupid to know that you don't drag a tree through a door top first ( I mean, seriously, what kind of brain damage do you have to even TRY to do it that way? Has anyone involved in writing tv commercials ever brought a tree into their own house?  What the hell?)

Naturally wife moans "oh no" before he even tries to bring the tree in- hell, before she even gets a chance to see it.  Because that "oh no" means "my husband's a brainless jackass who does stupid things, a black Clark Griswold if you will, so if he says he's found 'the one' and is beaming with delight, this means trouble...."

And yet, when the family sits down to consume their bucket of greasy, life-shortening, artery-clogging crud, the tree is decorated and looks awesome, which makes me kind of wonder what the "oh no" was all about- except that it's a commercial and Dad has to look stupid, it's the law after all.  WTF-ever, television.

Quick note concerning the first twenty seconds of this Buick ad

1.  The Valet Monkey is trying way too hard to find this fricking car.  He's running up and down the parking lot muttering "Buick...Buick....Buick...." as if his life depends on getting it to the douchenozzle Eurotrash couple waiting for it inside of thirty seconds.  I guess his entire salary is tips?

2.  Why doesn't he just use the freaking carfinder on the keys right away?  Seems to me that they'd teach this in Valet Monkey 101.

3.  Why does Eurotrash Dickwad need to ask for his Buick anyway?  The way he and TrophyWife are sneering at Valet Monkey, it looks like it must be an entire twenty feet away.  Is it a We Ate at a Restaurant With Valet Service so Damn It We're Going To Use It?

4.  If you don't want to punch Unshaven Eurotrash "It's the Buick" scumbucket in his self-satisfied face, you are a far better person than I am.  He and TrophyWife both.  Assholes.

Jan is a pink slip away from wall to wall coverage on CNN, in my opinion

"Ahh, the bold new Camry..." Oh shut up, Jan.  It doesn't make a whole lot of sense for you wax nostalgic over a brand new freaking car.

"So you've driven it?"  Um, no, jackass, "it's a blast to drive" is just something salespeople say to get you to buy the car.  They think it's "a blast to drive" because that's what it says in the sales manual.  Like when I managed a video rental store and told people that Weekend At Bernies was a light-hearted, laugh-filled avalanche of wackiness.  It's just something we sales-liars say.

Anyone else think that Jan enjoys her gig at the Toyota dealership way, way too much?  I mean, I bet she wasn't even asked by management to wear that stupid hat.  I bet she just slapped it on the day after Thanksgiving.

I appreciate people who like their jobs.  But I don't appreciate people who act as if they'd respond to being laid off by going home, assembling an arsenal of automatic weapons, and returning to shoot up their former place of employment.  Jan looks like she really can't imagine Life After Being a Chirpy Shill for Toyota.

Same goes for Flo, by the way.  At this point, I doubt Progressive would dare to fire her.  At best, she'd become Bartelby, responding to requests to leave with "I would prefer not to."  At worst- well, I think we've already covered the Worst Case Scenerio, haven't we?

(oh, and BTW- anyone else seriously doubt that this dealership really let Jan take this car "out for a spin" in the desert like that?  Why would they do such a thing?  I think Jan needs to break away from her sad, Toyota-centered dream world, don't you?)

BMW decides to pile on this holiday season....

These are the toys that come from "Santa's Other Workshop"- because cheap Chinese junk is fine for the masses, but Santa knows what the one percent wants this Christmas.  It's the same thing they want every Christmas: Everything.

Because Santa can't actually deliver Everything, he'll drop by with a brand new BMW for the Last People On Earth Who Actually Deserve Stuff Like This right after he leaves Johnny Almost The Bike He Asked For and a note explaining to Suzie why he couldn't quite manage to fit those Boots Without Holes she really, really wanted into his magic sack.

Have I ever told you how much I really, really hate this time of year on television?

The geography of this Jeep commercial is suspicious

"When you're a pampered, self-centered Eurotrash douchenozzle with a model trophy wife, it can be hard to find the true spirit of Christmas from the warmed seat of your Jeep.  Even looking down your nose at the Not Nearly Good As You masses as they hussle about trying to make a buck- the pathetic little peons, some of them even try to get by with part-time gigs as Santa Claus, makes you think about what it's like not to be among the one percent- for a few moments, anyway."

"Best thing to do is just get away from it all- because you can.  Take your disgusting selves out of the city and it's huddled masses of People Who Are Not You and find a convenient mountain right next door with a Christmas tree which has been placed there and decorated Just For You and take in the Northern Lights which whip and flicker for no other reason except You Want Them Too and after all It's All About You Jackasses."

"Then stand there looking at the tree and the lights and each other and remind yourselves how awesome it is to be So Very Much Better Than Pretty Much Everyone Else on the Planet.  As if that's necessary."

Ummmm....how does this babysitter keep her job?

I'm sure there have been enough incidents to convince Mommy to fire her....maybe she's a little too cute for Daddy to let go of?  Just a thought.....

I mean, this smoke/carbon monoxide detector doesn't do EVERYTHING- if the obnoxious brats this girl is supposed to be watching are drowning each other in the bathtub, it won't yell clueless teen girl into getting off the couch, will it?  One of the kids is "really into fireworks"- but she figures as long as no smoke is being detected, she can continue watching tv and doing a YouTube video about the awesomeness of Nest Detectors?  Does she have an explanation for the parents and the police when Trevor blows his fingers off or fires one of his little rockets into his sister's face, blinding her for life?

I suppose this is a fairly useful product for the average tv family which of course is living in a vast, gleaming-white suburban mansion (it wouldn't do anything for me- if there's a fire in my apartment, chances are I'll know it before the detector does.)  But if I lived in one of these houses and installed one of these systems, I don't think I'd let the babysitter know about it.  Especially this babysitter, who sees it as a "oh good I can just ignore the kids if anything happens this thing will let me know before the damage gets TOO bad" excuse to nap while earning $10 an hour.*

*I have no idea how much babysitters make these days.  I suppose I could have asked a few of my students, but that would be doing research, and as I've mentioned many times in the past, I'm not getting paid for this gig.  So $10 an hour it is.

Infiniti Q50 commercial gets Karma wrong

So let me see if I understand this ad:

Infantile rich jackass lusts over black Infiniti.  Being Infantile, he notices a guy volunteering for the Salvation Army and decides "hey, maybe if I'm nice to this old man, somehow that will translate into me getting my childish, selfish wants fulfilled.  Worth a shot!"

So this guy blows an entire $1.86 on a cup of coffee at Starbucks and hands it to the Salvation Army guy.  There's no dialogue, so we can't know if he shared his Stunningly Self-Absorbed Christmas Wish with the guy (maybe "so.....I did something nice for you, can I have a $40,000 car now?")  But that doesn't matter- the guy believes this man is Santa, and if Santa sees us when we're sleeping and knows when we're awake, he doesn't need to be told that we are fantasizing about owning a new car.

We do know is that he notes a tear in "Santa's" jacket and proceeds to follow "Santa"  to "Santa's" luxury apartment and spend all of five minutes sewing it up.

At this point, let's remember that this guy's actions are all clearly being dictated by "If I'm nice to this guy, he'll get me that car."  Very important that we keep that in mind.

Next thing we know, rich guy is running out of his multi-million dollar suburban palace to  find his Christmas present- sure enough, "Santa" was REAL and decided to reward a few dollars of charity and a few minutes of attention with a $40,000 car.  Because Santa is every bit as big a dickwad as rich guy.

I mean, think about it- people all over the world perform random acts of kindness every single day, without any thought of immediate or future reward, Just Because.  Then there are the people who struggle with illness or poverty of their own, or that of a loved one, who want nothing more than for that illness or poverty  to go away.  For pretty much all of them, Christmas will come and go with no obvious reward.  But this manipulative dicktard basically bribes Santa for an hour or so, and gets an intensely juvenile Want fulfilled.  Just like that.  Heartwarming, huh?

BTW, the only way this whole mess results in actual Karma is if the jackass unsatisfied with his gilded life and multimillion-dollar house who managed to buy Santa gets into a horrible accident the very first time he takes his LookAtMeMobile out for a spin.  A horrible accident that leaves him disfigured, crippled, dead broke- and in desperate need for the prayers and best wishes of people who are nowhere near as loathsomely juvenile as he is.  THAT'S Karma, Infiniti.  Glad I could help.