You've been warned

If I see just one more commercial featuring a guy who lives in a house featuring a living room twice the size of my apartment, I'm going to have to hurt someone.

Seriously, you'd think that just once television would take a break from convincing me that the average American makes $300,000 a year and lives in a palace with a seperate garage for the family Lexus.  I get it, television.  I'M POOR!  Now stop reminding me, please!

I'll be getting a tie and maybe an Amazon Gift Card for Christmas....

...but this little snot with a direct line to Santa can ask for video games and freaking CARS and get virtual guarantees that hey, no problem, you've been a good kid for a number of years in a row so...., you want computer-assisted parallel parking with that?

What the hell universe am I living in, and where's the freaking exit?

Wait till Mom opens her nice box of Therapy Sessions

It's kind of refreshing to see a commercial featuring Deranged Lunatic Mom rather than Clueless Doofus Dad for a change.  Still, while Clueless Doofus Dad is generally a harmless character we expect to see in every other ad, the occassional appearance of Deranged Lunatic Mom is always a little jarring.  I mean, she's always so....deranged.

This woman is supposed to be so sadly techno-addled that she has to "direct" Christmas morning, letting her family know that they aren't showing enough emotion, or need to turn their head this way or that, etc.--- in real life, the kids would just agree to plug their ears while Dad told Mom what she could do with her suffocating micromanagement of the present-opening ritual.  We are finally let in on the "joke" when she actually brings in a double for her husband ( I guess, I'm not really sure I know what's going on here.)

Lost in all this bs is the fact that the family is opening one expensive electronic toy after another (including a tricked-out watch that was wrapped turned on, without it's box) revealing it to be yet another super-priveleged, overindulged collection of one-percenters we really can't relate to.  Maybe I should be grateful that Lunatic Mom distracts me from this just a little.  I'm not.

So.....who went out to get the KFC Bucket of Death?

(Before I begin- please, again, note that at the end of the commercial, the bucket of fried crap is completely full despite the fact that this family of four is eating chicken and has more on their plates....KFC has never been good at logic or continuity....)

Somehow this guy got himself a wife, a family, and the kind of gigantic house everyone in tv land lives in, but he's too stupid to know that you don't drag a tree through a door top first ( I mean, seriously, what kind of brain damage do you have to even TRY to do it that way? Has anyone involved in writing tv commercials ever brought a tree into their own house?  What the hell?)

Naturally wife moans "oh no" before he even tries to bring the tree in- hell, before she even gets a chance to see it.  Because that "oh no" means "my husband's a brainless jackass who does stupid things, a black Clark Griswold if you will, so if he says he's found 'the one' and is beaming with delight, this means trouble...."

And yet, when the family sits down to consume their bucket of greasy, life-shortening, artery-clogging crud, the tree is decorated and looks awesome, which makes me kind of wonder what the "oh no" was all about- except that it's a commercial and Dad has to look stupid, it's the law after all.  WTF-ever, television.

Quick note concerning the first twenty seconds of this Buick ad

1.  The Valet Monkey is trying way too hard to find this fricking car.  He's running up and down the parking lot muttering "Buick...Buick....Buick...." as if his life depends on getting it to the douchenozzle Eurotrash couple waiting for it inside of thirty seconds.  I guess his entire salary is tips?

2.  Why doesn't he just use the freaking carfinder on the keys right away?  Seems to me that they'd teach this in Valet Monkey 101.

3.  Why does Eurotrash Dickwad need to ask for his Buick anyway?  The way he and TrophyWife are sneering at Valet Monkey, it looks like it must be an entire twenty feet away.  Is it a We Ate at a Restaurant With Valet Service so Damn It We're Going To Use It?

4.  If you don't want to punch Unshaven Eurotrash "It's the Buick" scumbucket in his self-satisfied face, you are a far better person than I am.  He and TrophyWife both.  Assholes.

Jan is a pink slip away from wall to wall coverage on CNN, in my opinion

"Ahh, the bold new Camry..." Oh shut up, Jan.  It doesn't make a whole lot of sense for you wax nostalgic over a brand new freaking car.

"So you've driven it?"  Um, no, jackass, "it's a blast to drive" is just something salespeople say to get you to buy the car.  They think it's "a blast to drive" because that's what it says in the sales manual.  Like when I managed a video rental store and told people that Weekend At Bernies was a light-hearted, laugh-filled avalanche of wackiness.  It's just something we sales-liars say.

Anyone else think that Jan enjoys her gig at the Toyota dealership way, way too much?  I mean, I bet she wasn't even asked by management to wear that stupid hat.  I bet she just slapped it on the day after Thanksgiving.

I appreciate people who like their jobs.  But I don't appreciate people who act as if they'd respond to being laid off by going home, assembling an arsenal of automatic weapons, and returning to shoot up their former place of employment.  Jan looks like she really can't imagine Life After Being a Chirpy Shill for Toyota.

Same goes for Flo, by the way.  At this point, I doubt Progressive would dare to fire her.  At best, she'd become Bartelby, responding to requests to leave with "I would prefer not to."  At worst- well, I think we've already covered the Worst Case Scenerio, haven't we?

(oh, and BTW- anyone else seriously doubt that this dealership really let Jan take this car "out for a spin" in the desert like that?  Why would they do such a thing?  I think Jan needs to break away from her sad, Toyota-centered dream world, don't you?)

BMW decides to pile on this holiday season....

These are the toys that come from "Santa's Other Workshop"- because cheap Chinese junk is fine for the masses, but Santa knows what the one percent wants this Christmas.  It's the same thing they want every Christmas: Everything.

Because Santa can't actually deliver Everything, he'll drop by with a brand new BMW for the Last People On Earth Who Actually Deserve Stuff Like This right after he leaves Johnny Almost The Bike He Asked For and a note explaining to Suzie why he couldn't quite manage to fit those Boots Without Holes she really, really wanted into his magic sack.

Have I ever told you how much I really, really hate this time of year on television?