Salt-N-Pepa's response to learning "Where Are They Now?' MTV docs don't come with an honorarium

Actually, if you're Salt-N-Pepa, you recognize that you haven't had a hit since the mid-90s, you just got one of those dreaded "Icon" awards (which, like an "Achievement" award on Oscar night, is basically an acknowledgement that your time has come and gone and we don't really expect to ever hear from you again,) and royalties don't pay the mortgage like you thought they would.

So if you're Salt-N-Pepa, you pick up a few extra dollars making total asses of yourself, making fun of your stupid theme song (whose popularity is a great symbol of the bloated crapfest that was Music in the 1990s) for the insurance company that simply can not stop bombarding us with rock-stupid advertising.

The wrong people have money burning holes in their pockets

The guy in this ad has a fricking MacBook, but it takes him all of 20 seconds to get sold on a crummy SurfaceProWTF-Ever-- "I think I like the SurfacePro3....no really, where can I get one?"

Tell you what, buddy- I'll hop on over to BestBuy, pick up a SurfacePro3, and trade it to you for your Suddenly Not Good Enough For You MacBook.  Jagoff.

Another Jared "Buy Her With This" Ad

Dan needs a diamond that will convince Julie to have sex with him and only him for the rest of her life- or until Dan finds someone younger, prettier and even more insecure and vulnerable than Julie, at which time Dan will dump Julie for that younger, prettier and even more insecure and vulnerable girl- and Jared is the place to go for that kind of flypaper.  I mean, just check out the larger than life diamond!

Once Jared has helped Dan pick out just the right ancient rock with which to guilt/bribe Julie into giving up her personality and last name to become Dan's dishwasher, handmaiden and babymaker, Dan takes Julie out to a nice restaurant and lets her know that if she wants the dinners out and dancing and weekend trips to the beach and jewelry to keep coming, she's going to have to ditch everything that makes her Julie and become Mrs. Dan.   Because this is a jewelry commercial, of course Julie says Yes, because hey she's almost 25 and being your own person is Really Hard and Dan isn't all that repulsive and gotta marry someone after all.

Dan gave her the ring with all his heart but with a little less money in the bank than before he went to Jared, but that's ok because Julie has accepted the Token That Says She's Taken.  This is supposed to be sweet or something.  I'm way too bitter to get it.

You've been warned

If I see just one more commercial featuring a guy who lives in a house featuring a living room twice the size of my apartment, I'm going to have to hurt someone.

Seriously, you'd think that just once television would take a break from convincing me that the average American makes $300,000 a year and lives in a palace with a seperate garage for the family Lexus.  I get it, television.  I'M POOR!  Now stop reminding me, please!

I'll be getting a tie and maybe an Amazon Gift Card for Christmas....

...but this little snot with a direct line to Santa can ask for video games and freaking CARS and get virtual guarantees that hey, no problem, you've been a good kid for a number of years in a row so...., you want computer-assisted parallel parking with that?

What the hell universe am I living in, and where's the freaking exit?

Wait till Mom opens her nice box of Therapy Sessions

It's kind of refreshing to see a commercial featuring Deranged Lunatic Mom rather than Clueless Doofus Dad for a change.  Still, while Clueless Doofus Dad is generally a harmless character we expect to see in every other ad, the occassional appearance of Deranged Lunatic Mom is always a little jarring.  I mean, she's always so....deranged.

This woman is supposed to be so sadly techno-addled that she has to "direct" Christmas morning, letting her family know that they aren't showing enough emotion, or need to turn their head this way or that, etc.--- in real life, the kids would just agree to plug their ears while Dad told Mom what she could do with her suffocating micromanagement of the present-opening ritual.  We are finally let in on the "joke" when she actually brings in a double for her husband ( I guess, I'm not really sure I know what's going on here.)

Lost in all this bs is the fact that the family is opening one expensive electronic toy after another (including a tricked-out watch that was wrapped turned on, without it's box) revealing it to be yet another super-priveleged, overindulged collection of one-percenters we really can't relate to.  Maybe I should be grateful that Lunatic Mom distracts me from this just a little.  I'm not.

So.....who went out to get the KFC Bucket of Death?

(Before I begin- please, again, note that at the end of the commercial, the bucket of fried crap is completely full despite the fact that this family of four is eating chicken and has more on their plates....KFC has never been good at logic or continuity....)

Somehow this guy got himself a wife, a family, and the kind of gigantic house everyone in tv land lives in, but he's too stupid to know that you don't drag a tree through a door top first ( I mean, seriously, what kind of brain damage do you have to even TRY to do it that way? Has anyone involved in writing tv commercials ever brought a tree into their own house?  What the hell?)

Naturally wife moans "oh no" before he even tries to bring the tree in- hell, before she even gets a chance to see it.  Because that "oh no" means "my husband's a brainless jackass who does stupid things, a black Clark Griswold if you will, so if he says he's found 'the one' and is beaming with delight, this means trouble...."

And yet, when the family sits down to consume their bucket of greasy, life-shortening, artery-clogging crud, the tree is decorated and looks awesome, which makes me kind of wonder what the "oh no" was all about- except that it's a commercial and Dad has to look stupid, it's the law after all.  WTF-ever, television.