Time for a little introspection, Fantasy Football Morons

If this how you react to "losing" your stupid time-sucking fantasy football "season," having a "bad day" isn't your real issue.  The real problem is that you are having a really, really bad life.  Losers.

So basically child-sized gloves with bits of metal sewn in, for $19.95 a pair. Brilliant.

Oh, old people and their brittle, worthless hands- will they ever win?

Yes, as it turns out, they will- just as soon as they order themselves a pair of Copper Hands!  These amazing gloves (both magical and space age!) provide exactly the right amount of "compression" to soothe pain and keep you old people doing what you love- transplanting flowers from your postage-stamp gardens, opening jars of pickles, clipping coupons, scrolling through pictures of your freakish failed Siamese cat/Chihuahua breeding experiment (seriously, I don't even want to know what that thing on the phone is supposed to be, or why anyone would want multiple pictures of it.)

"A week ago, I could never have done this"- I'll ignore the logical disconnect in this woman's claim and just ask "do what, shill for a company trying to unload tiny gloves with the fingers cut out? Wiggle your fingers? What?"

Just check out the "doctor" in the ad (you can tell he's a doctor because he's got a stethescope draped around his shoulders and a blurry diploma in the background) - oddly enough, he doesn't mention copper in his endorsement of the product.  Instead, he basically just explains that the gloves help allieviate the symptoms of arthritis by virtue of being tight.  Nothing to do with copper at all- they are just gloves that are designed to be too small for the user.  Man I am in the wrong business.

Is there a Deluxe Silver Hands package designed to keep vampires away, available free (just pay extra shipping and handling) if you order now?

Actually, a nice case of salmonella poisoning is probably exactly what the doctor ordered for these jackasses

A.  Wrap your arm around the pole, you stupid knob.  You can't convince me that anyone who carries food around like that- exposed, instead of in a bag like a normal, sane person- is worried about picking up germs.

B.  Get ready for an assault lawsuit from the people you "accidentally" fall into because you are too rock-stupid to steady yourself AND hold your breakfast at the same time.  Or at the very least, get ready for a knee to the groin.

C.  Get ready for a nice big, fat fine from the subway security, because I don't know where this is supposed to be taking place, but I've never been on a commuter rail system on which eating is permitted.  It's a whole vermin-infestation and cleanliness thing.  Not that these morons look like they give a flying damn about anyone but themselves, but if you hit them in the wallet maybe?

D.  Demonstrate that you are functioning adults who have two brain cells to rub together and just eat your f---ing food in the "restaurant" or on the way to the subway.  Again with the germs- are these people actually going to consume food they've been carrying around all over town exposed like that? How many dozens of people have coughed on it already?  This greasy junk must be alive with bacteria by now.  What the f--- is the matter with these people?

For Sloppy Valentines to itself, nobody beats Apple

This self-congratulatory wall of noise and blurry images brought to you by the masters of self-congratulation.  our friends at Apple.

Some companies are satisfied to try to convince us that their products will make our lives more fun, slightly more bearable, more interesting, etc.  Apple is forever intent on convincing us that their products will change the way in which the Earth revolves around the sun and that a thousand years from now, we will be using a new calender which marks Year One as the year Apple first decided to bless us with it's awesome thin electronic crap.

Personally, I'm pretty damned sick of Apple shouting "your life was a smoldering pile of nothing before we came along" in every one of their ads.  Especially since I'm not likely to ever actually own anything made by Apple (and yet....I live....I breathe....I communicate.....what the heck?)  Just tell me what new version of yesterday's pointless junk you are peddling this month, ok, Apple?  Stop trying to sell me on the idea that you are introducing a new Renaissance in Connectivity, because all I see is more and more people staring at screens like crack addicts looking for a constant fix.

Seriously Stupid, Sprint

Here's how to cut your phone bill by MORE than half- just use it to make calls and text.  Don't treat it as an f--ing portable television or movie theater.  Don't download everything that catches your eye as if you've got a severe case of ADD.  Use it in moderation and stop pretending that you can't find your way around your neighborhood without consulting it.   Do all that, and you can cut your phone bill in half- easily.

And then you don't have to go on tv and act like a freaking lunatic who was tazered, tagged and chained to a data plan which is draining you of your life savings, Poor Martyr You.

And Sprint?  You could make my life a little happier if you let me know that at least one person was seriously injured in the making of this ad.  Because all of these whiny choads definitely deserve it.

Montel Williams, Payday Loans, and the rigged economic system that keeps the poor poor

So you wake up one morning, walk into your kitchen, and step in a puddle of water.

Guess what?  Your refrigerator is dead.  Gone.  It's full of perishables and you need a new fridge. Today.

So, what do you do?  That depends entirely on your financial situation.

If you're rich, you call Sears or Best Buy or whoever and you order a new fridge for $1000.  You pay cash, which means the fridge costs you $1000.

If you're middle class (the definition of "middle class" in this country is "a poor person who thinks he's doing well because he can pay the bills and has credit) you pull out your VISA card and order a new fridge.  You pay $150 a month because that's what you can afford.  In seven months you've paid for it, and it cost you $1050.

If you're poor, you don't have cash and you don't have credit, so you go to Rent A Center or Aaron's and you sign a contract which requires you to make monthly payments of $69.99 for two years for your new fridge.  If you miss a payment, you'll get hit with a $40 charge.  If you miss a couple of payments, the fridge will be repossessed and the money you paid into it will be lost.  If you make all your payments, in two years you'll be out $1680 you paid for the same $1000 refrigerator the rich guy and the middle class guy got.  See how much fun it is to be poor?  See how easy it is to get yourself out of the situation of being poor?

Which brings us to scumbag Montel Williams and this revolting pimping for this company which doesn't call itself a Payday Lender though that's EXACTLY what it is.  "Would an extra thousand dollars be handy?"  Hmm-- if my refrigerator is broken, a thousand dollars is definitely what I need, but I wouldn't use the word "handy" where "essential" is much more accurate.  And "standing in line" behind other poor people in dire straits certainly would be annoying- but you know what, that's not a problem compared to paying 300% interest on a short-term loan.

In case some people out there aren't aware, here's how Payday Loans work- you go to one of these loan sharks and prove that you have a job, usually by providing a cancelled paycheck or pay stub.  Then you write a check for the amount you need to borrow, plus the usury-level interest rates required by the scumbucket leech Payday Loan company.  You get the money you need for the emergency (more about this in a moment) and now you are in even worse shape economically, because if you can't cover that check in a few weeks, guess what?  Time for another Payday Loan.  Economic death spirals are fun, aren't they?

These commercials rarely talk about people facing actual emergencies (like my broken refrigerator example.)  Instead, they show grinning idiots moaning that "there's a concert in town and I'm out of money" or "I need extra cash for Christmas," I think because they don't want to anger the audience by showing people being taken advantage of by Payday lenders - it's easier to shrug at these money-changers when their customers are presented as people who are stupid and frivilous with money anyway (hey, if you are really willing to risk your car title or next paycheck because you simply must see Katy Perry on Saturday night, why do I care about you?  Fools and their money, after all...)  So we won't see "John will be evicted if he doesn't have rent money tomorrow" or "Sue really needs to get the heat turned back on so her kids don't freeze to death" stories.  Because then we'd turn our anger on Mr. Williams and his We Are In Business Because You Are Poor sales pitch.  ("Designed with you in mind?"  Probably the most honest part of this ad.)

One more thing about Payday Lenders* before I end this (completely justifiable) rant- they rely on people with bad credit to stay in business.  So they don't report to credit bureaus when customers make their payments on time (because that would improve credit scores, and why would Payday lenders want to do that?)  They aren't required to, so they don't.  How does that gell with the "we care about you" message Montel Seriously Go Die Already Williams is shoveling at us here?

*I've never used Payday Loans, Rent A Center, Aaron's, Liberty Tax, or any other organization that preys on the poor.  In fact, my credit score is extremely high.  But I do enjoy researching stuff like this, and am well aware that "there but for the grace of g-d go I" is a good thing to keep in mind for everyone.

Because G-d F--ing forbid you ever, EVER put that stupid electronic toy down

Well, thank goodness you never, ever have to be "disconnected" from your fellow techno-addled jackass friends, because otherwise

1.  You might actually find yourself forced to have a conversation with the person sitting on the couch with you (the look on that guy's face says nothing other than "good lord, there has got to be something going on somewhere I can get in on and at least mentally escape this loser.")

2.  Someone somewhere else would not be treated to your Way Too Important To Wait "hey, whassup?" call.  (This must really make that other guy on the couch feel good about himself- his friend is hanging out at the house, they seem to be watching a football game- but he feels compelled to make an utterly pointless "hey, whassup?" call to someone else.*)

3.  Grandma might actually have to wait to see pictures from the family trip she wasn't invited on - "hey grandma, here's a selfy from the gondola during our ski trip, did we tell you we were going on a ski trip?  Well anyway here's a photo, so don't expect a call this week because this covers it."

*I was on Amtrak for all of fifteen seconds before the guy across the aisle from me made a "hey, whassup?"call on his cell phone.  Within another thirty seconds I had my earplugs, earphones, and portable DVD player going.  I used to read on the train.  That's pretty much an impossibility now, since the jackasses with rocks in their heads simply can't bear to be alone with their thoughts for more than a few minutes at a time.