Buy an Altima, and Feel like Royalty....

Preferably, 18th century Royalty.  Instead of a carriage, drive around in this LookAtMeMobile and enjoy the jealous stares of your Lessers until they get sick of dealing with your nonstop doucheyness and drag you kicking and screaming out of it.

Continue to act like Royalty and demand that the dirty masses take their disgusting unwashed hands off your Superior Self and get back to knowing Their Place.  Continue to demand the respect you didn't earn in any way other than choosing your parents wisely all the way up to the moment your head is lopped off your smug shoulders and stuck on a pike.

Better yet, stop dreaming about Acting Like Royalty and recognize that you live in a Society that will hate you if you attempt to Lord It Up over us.  And someday, we'll be done taking it and we'll turn on you.  And then you'll wonder what was so great about pretending to be Royalty.  As the flies suck the last of the dried blood off your rotting skull.  Jackwads.

Wow- even more obvious than usual, Chevy

Like a number of people who watched this commercial, I didn't notice at first that the actor who emerges from the building to get into the CompensationMobile isn't the same actor who initially walked into the building.  So I guess the message here is that a Little Boy in a Lame Car drove up to the building and was transformed into a Real Man (with Real Man Stubble)  Manhood Replacement Truck that gets him glances from cute girls in elevators.  He's even accompanied by better music when he gets into his Better Than A Car Because It Makes Me Feel Big truck.  This is all supposed to make us want to buy one of these things, I guess.

The last time I heard "Back in Black" accompanying a truck ride, Tony Stark was driving into a deadly ambush in Afghanistan.  It would have been fine with me if this commercial had ended the same way.

Seriously creepy, disturbing underwear ad

So this guy comes home to his palatial suburban estate and finds his clothes scattered all over the yard, on the roof, and in the tree.  "What'd I do?" he wonders- wow, really?  Either he's totally clueless, or a sociopath, or he's married to a lunatic.  In any case, this ad so far is more sad than funny (and I really do believe that it's makers were going for funny.)

He responds to this carnage by taking out a chain saw- and at this point, I wonder if I'm actually watching a commercial and not a trailer for a new thriller or a reinactment of a local news story.   Then comes the "hilarious" part- you see, the guy's favorite pair of underwear is in the tree, so he cuts it down to retrieve them.  Not as bad as what I thought we might see- the rage-filled slaying of this guy's significant other in brutal, bloody retaliation for her own violent, hysterical reaction to whatever he did- but bad enough, as it results in the thoughtless destruction of a 300-year old tree (to get back a pair of underwear.  Really.)

I know that the successful commercials are the ones that are eye-catching and memorable, and this one is both.  It's still really kind of weird, though, and it doesn't succeed in making me want to know more about the product.  And isn't that another thing that successful commercials are supposed to do?

Time for a little introspection, Fantasy Football Morons

If this how you react to "losing" your stupid time-sucking fantasy football "season," having a "bad day" isn't your real issue.  The real problem is that you are having a really, really bad life.  Losers.

So basically child-sized gloves with bits of metal sewn in, for $19.95 a pair. Brilliant.

Oh, old people and their brittle, worthless hands- will they ever win?

Yes, as it turns out, they will- just as soon as they order themselves a pair of Copper Hands!  These amazing gloves (both magical and space age!) provide exactly the right amount of "compression" to soothe pain and keep you old people doing what you love- transplanting flowers from your postage-stamp gardens, opening jars of pickles, clipping coupons, scrolling through pictures of your freakish failed Siamese cat/Chihuahua breeding experiment (seriously, I don't even want to know what that thing on the phone is supposed to be, or why anyone would want multiple pictures of it.)

"A week ago, I could never have done this"- I'll ignore the logical disconnect in this woman's claim and just ask "do what, shill for a company trying to unload tiny gloves with the fingers cut out? Wiggle your fingers? What?"

Just check out the "doctor" in the ad (you can tell he's a doctor because he's got a stethescope draped around his shoulders and a blurry diploma in the background) - oddly enough, he doesn't mention copper in his endorsement of the product.  Instead, he basically just explains that the gloves help allieviate the symptoms of arthritis by virtue of being tight.  Nothing to do with copper at all- they are just gloves that are designed to be too small for the user.  Man I am in the wrong business.

Is there a Deluxe Silver Hands package designed to keep vampires away, available free (just pay extra shipping and handling) if you order now?

Actually, a nice case of salmonella poisoning is probably exactly what the doctor ordered for these jackasses

A.  Wrap your arm around the pole, you stupid knob.  You can't convince me that anyone who carries food around like that- exposed, instead of in a bag like a normal, sane person- is worried about picking up germs.

B.  Get ready for an assault lawsuit from the people you "accidentally" fall into because you are too rock-stupid to steady yourself AND hold your breakfast at the same time.  Or at the very least, get ready for a knee to the groin.

C.  Get ready for a nice big, fat fine from the subway security, because I don't know where this is supposed to be taking place, but I've never been on a commuter rail system on which eating is permitted.  It's a whole vermin-infestation and cleanliness thing.  Not that these morons look like they give a flying damn about anyone but themselves, but if you hit them in the wallet maybe?

D.  Demonstrate that you are functioning adults who have two brain cells to rub together and just eat your f---ing food in the "restaurant" or on the way to the subway.  Again with the germs- are these people actually going to consume food they've been carrying around all over town exposed like that? How many dozens of people have coughed on it already?  This greasy junk must be alive with bacteria by now.  What the f--- is the matter with these people?

For Sloppy Valentines to itself, nobody beats Apple

This self-congratulatory wall of noise and blurry images brought to you by the masters of self-congratulation.  our friends at Apple.

Some companies are satisfied to try to convince us that their products will make our lives more fun, slightly more bearable, more interesting, etc.  Apple is forever intent on convincing us that their products will change the way in which the Earth revolves around the sun and that a thousand years from now, we will be using a new calender which marks Year One as the year Apple first decided to bless us with it's awesome thin electronic crap.

Personally, I'm pretty damned sick of Apple shouting "your life was a smoldering pile of nothing before we came along" in every one of their ads.  Especially since I'm not likely to ever actually own anything made by Apple (and yet....I live....I breathe....I communicate.....what the heck?)  Just tell me what new version of yesterday's pointless junk you are peddling this month, ok, Apple?  Stop trying to sell me on the idea that you are introducing a new Renaissance in Connectivity, because all I see is more and more people staring at screens like crack addicts looking for a constant fix.