Dish Network's salute to workers

Dish Network "Watch Television Everywhere And Never Do Anything Else Because Hey TV" Ad #1

This ad must be a real heart-warmer to the millions of Americans who are still unemployed or underemployed- a new little toy that allows people who have jobs to be totally ungrateful jackasses and watch television on company time.

Yeah, Americans are the hardest-working, most productive workers on the planet- but Dish Network is going to do it's very best to put a stop to that.

Oh, and balding, fat, grim boss-with-coffee-cup?  Hey Dish, the 50s called- they want their stereotypes back.

Ejector Seat Not Included?

When I first saw this ad, I thought it was a little progressive that it's the black couple that gets to be the smarmy, self-satisfied dicks in the front seat (and are the owners of the car.)  This is in sharp contrast to a Golden Corral commercial of a few years back, in which the black couple in the back seat literally hurl themselves on to the pavement to get away from their white "friends."

Then I noticed that the doofus idiot of the piece is still a pasty white guy, making a total jackass of himself by apparently not realizing that A)  it's not 1990 and GPS is available on pretty much every car- hell, my last Honda Civic had a Garmin, B) car companies have been pitching "don't pay attention to anything while you drive, your car will warn you before you get to kill anyone, just go on being a clueless smug moron" for quite some time now, and C) nobody likes nervous back-seat drivers- nobody liked them before cars had all these stupid bells and whistles, nobody likes them now.

Oh, and D- seriously, buddy, "you left your lights on?"  Has this guy been in a coma since the Clinton Administration?  It's almost impossible to accidentally leave the lights on in a car produced in the 21st century.  Ugh, what a jerk.  I suspect that the car owners enjoy his company because he's a constant reminder that They Are Better- even when they have to part with their precious car for a while.

The Taken Franchise wraps up with the most cliche'd premise in Hollywood?

Soooo......

Liam Neeson comes home and finds his wife dead and himself framed for her murder.  He spends the entire movie simulatenously dodging the police while hunting for the real killer.

Yeah.....I liked this movie the first time I saw it, when it was called "The Fugitive."  Jeesh, Hollywood, really?

Meh...ok, as long as you don't let Maggie Grace and her boyfriend/driving test issues hog half the freaking movie like last time, I'm probably there.  But I swear, if this one ends with Neeson and his family enjoying hot fudge sundaes,  I'm going to hurt someone in that theatre.  Fair warning.

And here's a bit of irony for you- Liam Neeson once turned down an opportunity to screentest to be the next James Bond when Timothy Dalton retired....because he didn't want to do action movies.  No kidding.

Hey Experian, 7-11's legal team just called....

1.  Just say "I have a very high credit score."  Telling this guy that you have a high credit score because of some stupid app isn't very bright.  My credit score is higher than this moron's, and I don't even have a Smartphone.

2.  "Hamburgers that look like Hot Dogs?"  Um, yeah- 7-11 has been selling them for decades.  In fact, they look exactly like these things do, except they're even better because they are infused with melted cheese (throw out the bun and they work pretty good for people on Atkins.)  Great "idea" there, Experion.  What's next, "curly" french fries?

Buy an Altima, and Feel like Royalty....

Preferably, 18th century Royalty.  Instead of a carriage, drive around in this LookAtMeMobile and enjoy the jealous stares of your Lessers until they get sick of dealing with your nonstop doucheyness and drag you kicking and screaming out of it.

Continue to act like Royalty and demand that the dirty masses take their disgusting unwashed hands off your Superior Self and get back to knowing Their Place.  Continue to demand the respect you didn't earn in any way other than choosing your parents wisely all the way up to the moment your head is lopped off your smug shoulders and stuck on a pike.

Better yet, stop dreaming about Acting Like Royalty and recognize that you live in a Society that will hate you if you attempt to Lord It Up over us.  And someday, we'll be done taking it and we'll turn on you.  And then you'll wonder what was so great about pretending to be Royalty.  As the flies suck the last of the dried blood off your rotting skull.  Jackwads.

Wow- even more obvious than usual, Chevy

Like a number of people who watched this commercial, I didn't notice at first that the actor who emerges from the building to get into the CompensationMobile isn't the same actor who initially walked into the building.  So I guess the message here is that a Little Boy in a Lame Car drove up to the building and was transformed into a Real Man (with Real Man Stubble)  Manhood Replacement Truck that gets him glances from cute girls in elevators.  He's even accompanied by better music when he gets into his Better Than A Car Because It Makes Me Feel Big truck.  This is all supposed to make us want to buy one of these things, I guess.

The last time I heard "Back in Black" accompanying a truck ride, Tony Stark was driving into a deadly ambush in Afghanistan.  It would have been fine with me if this commercial had ended the same way.

Seriously creepy, disturbing underwear ad

So this guy comes home to his palatial suburban estate and finds his clothes scattered all over the yard, on the roof, and in the tree.  "What'd I do?" he wonders- wow, really?  Either he's totally clueless, or a sociopath, or he's married to a lunatic.  In any case, this ad so far is more sad than funny (and I really do believe that it's makers were going for funny.)

He responds to this carnage by taking out a chain saw- and at this point, I wonder if I'm actually watching a commercial and not a trailer for a new thriller or a reinactment of a local news story.   Then comes the "hilarious" part- you see, the guy's favorite pair of underwear is in the tree, so he cuts it down to retrieve them.  Not as bad as what I thought we might see- the rage-filled slaying of this guy's significant other in brutal, bloody retaliation for her own violent, hysterical reaction to whatever he did- but bad enough, as it results in the thoughtless destruction of a 300-year old tree (to get back a pair of underwear.  Really.)

I know that the successful commercials are the ones that are eye-catching and memorable, and this one is both.  It's still really kind of weird, though, and it doesn't succeed in making me want to know more about the product.  And isn't that another thing that successful commercials are supposed to do?