Yeah, I think I've identified your problem, GoDaddy Lady....

And no, it's not that "running your own shop is brutal," although I will say, if that's your attitude despite the fact that a few seconds later you admit that you basically have no customers, you really need to give up this I Can Run My Own Business fantasy and get yourself a job, you weird tool.

No, your problem is that your disgusting family is hanging around your shop scaring away any potential customers you MIGHT have had.  Not that you are helping, acting like an idiot who doesn't seem to understand that the little dance you are all doing is supposed to simulate having sex (when that started all I could think was OMIGOD THERE IS NOT ENOUGH BRAIN BLEACH IN THE WORLD TO GET THIS COMMERCIAL OUT OF MY HEAD EVER.  And I never use the phrase OMIGOD.)

This commercial is one of the reasons that I think people who say things like "I watch the Superbowl for the Commercials" are the sickest, scariest weirdos on the planet.  Because as horrible as this ad is, we all know it's going to be topped sometime Sunday night.  What is the matter with you people?

Weebly gives me faith that this will be another American Century

I mean, just think about it- Weebly is a website that allows us to take our very best ideas and present them in a winning way.  And what are our very best ideas?

Well, there's the Jumping Off a Cliff idea.  I've encouraged a lot of people over the years to take advantage of this option, but have been unable to sell it to any of them.  With Weebly, I expect that in a very short time I'll be seeing a lot of very deserving people hurling themselves off cliffs.  And more power to them.

And then there's the Egg-Shaped Ice Cube idea.  "The Ice Cube Has Grown Up."  A great slogan for a great product.  That's called Filling a Need, and Nobody- NOBODY- does it better than Americans.  That's why we're Number One even when some of the products we churn out look a lot more like Number Two.  And don't you forget- um, something.  The Alamo, I think.

"Why not put fried chicken in Sushi?" That's a question only an American would ask.  After all, please tell me what people on Earth have ever been better at taking something healthy and turning it into life-shortening crap?  Remember, we are also the people who invented the bacon-stuffed cheeseburger, the cheese-stuffed pizza, and the deep fryer small enough to take on camping trips.  Naturally the country that would inflict upon (errr, I mean, "introduce to") the world the Cheese and Special Sauce Sandwich using Fried Chicken Instead of Bread would be the one to put fried chicken in Sushi.  If we waited for the Japanese to do it, we'd totally miss out.

Hell, I'm not even going to mention the Cardboard Furniture bit.  At this point, that's overkill .

I just wish Weebly had been around when I started this site.  This site is a really, really good idea that doesn't get any traffic.  Weebly would change that.  Because please tell me what is needed more than good healthy snark aimed at what America really does best- produce stupid, pointless junk and then make stupid, pointless commercials which convince stupid, aimless Americans that it's all necessary?

Ok, so you are going to live. Now what?

I'm trying to remember a time in my life when I would have been anywhere near as delighted as this woman with the discovery that I was less likely to die in the very near future.  Nowadays I take comments from my doctor that I seem to be doing fine and that there are no obvious danger signs that jump from the results of my physical with a "meh, whatever" or even a sense of sadness that I've got no reason to believe that this is going to end any time soon.

This is what "you're healthy and if you continue to be healthy you are going to live a great many more years" means for more and more Americans:

A.  you can't retire because you are going to be elderly longer than you thought- plan for twenty-five years instead of fifteen like your parents did.

B.  no matter how hard you work, you are probably going to outlive your money and die in poverty.  Aren't you glad you're healthy?

C.  if you want to stay healthy, better keep shelling out what little money you have for this expensive drug, because it's what's keeping you artificially healthy.  When you can't afford it, your Cholesterol is going through the roof, which at least will take care of problems A and B.

The people in this ad seem to have so much to live for- the news that their chlorestorol level has fallen is greeted with high-fives and fist-pumps and "YES!" and clear demonstrations that they love their lives so very much, the news that they are going to be hanging around for awhile is Just Unbelievably Awesome Yay Crestor.

I guess I kind of envy them.

Too Soon?

Checking the YouTube comments, I can see that I'm not the only person to notice that the Taco Bell this nasty little runt runs to  has a Drive-Thru, which makes his whole "rush to get a handful of greasy junk topped with even greasier and saltier corn chips" bit pretty damned stupid and pointless.   Hey, moron- just get into that damned car, drive across the street, and you'll have all day to shovel that crud down your throat and not have to worry about getting a ticket.

Nor will I note that just because the kid is now in the car, he's still going to get a ticket unless he gets his car out of that parking space.  What, did he think that tickets are only placed on cars that are empty?

Instead, I'll just risk getting flamed by saying that in this case, I wouldn't mind at all seeing a clear case of police brutality.  "Bobby Sue" should pull that smarmy dick out of his car and beat that unjustified smirk off his face with her nightstick, witnesses or no witnesses.  Because he soooo deserves it.

So much wrong with this Credit Karma ad, but let's cut to the chase....

1. This insane woman is talking to a website she apparently went on deliberately and by her own choice.  And she's calling the website a "you."  Insane woman is Insane.

2.  Idiot friend/housemate/whatever is very familiar (or works for) Credit Karma, and quickly confirms that yes, you can get your Free Credit Score for Free, Look They Don't Ask For Your Credit Card Number.  Idiot friend knows what Insane woman is doing because remember Insane woman is talking to the website.  

3.  Idiot friend is not really a friend, otherwise she'd tell Insane woman that her credit card company will give her her free credit score anytime she asks without making her vulnerable to spam email, phishing, and otherwise being pummeled with advertising from the invisible cookies Credit Karma slaps on her computer.  Or maybe Idiot friend is just a really, really big idiot.

4.  Check out the house these people are living in.  They can afford a lot of space and a very good cleaning crew to keep it gleaming.  Their credit is just fine, thank you.

Chevrolet Redefines "Lucky," and triggers another Society is Dead rant from me

Back in the Bad Old Days, when you traveled in a car with family or fellow adults, you'd engage in actual conversations- hey, we are together in a small space, we've got a way to go, let's talk.  Maybe we'll learn something about each other.  Maybe we'll clear the air.  If we get bored, we can listen to the radio.   Then we can comment on what the radio guy is saying or sing along with a familiar song.

Or maybe we'd play tapes/DVDs.  We'd talk about our favorite music, and do more singing along.  Either way, we'd be sharing an experience and bonding and the car ride woudn't just be a car ride.  (It didn't even have to be a car ride; I've written before about the girl I met on an Amtrak train back in the 80s- we talked and shared music for hours.  We never saw each other again, but I'll never forget her name or her voice or how quickly that 12 hours on the train went by- or how a lack of "connectivity" made that experience possible.)

Staring in the early part of this century, the odds that you'd be having a conversation with the people in your car began to drop dramatically.  Suddenly there were DVD players everywhere.  Ok, they kept the kids calm on long car rides- but they were being used ALL THE TIME, so when did parents talk to their kids about what happened at school, or how things were with their friends?  And when adults transported adults, more than likely the passengers would be on their cell phones or staring at them- and the person driving was no longer a friend to talk to, but just a valet; Let me know when you are at my stop so I can get out, ok?

*throughout the 1980s and 1990s, I drove neices and nephews back and forth between Vermont and the Washington DC area, usually two or three times a year, to visit their grandparents.  I'll never forget the first trip in which one of them had a cell phone.  It was much quieter- and nowhere near as pleasant.  It was clear to me that something very important had been lost, and was not going to be coming back.

And now we are being told that cars that are their own Hot Spots are some kind of great benefit, and people who own them are "lucky."  Funny- there's nothing in this ad that indicates that the owner of this car is "lucky" in any way- his passengers are braying jackasses who can't even be satisfied completely ignoring the driver while gazing at their loved ones (I mean, Tablets.)  They have to loudly comment on what they are doing instead of being with each other.  They might as well be total strangers in a taxi, for all the respect and gratitude they are showing the driver.  And yet the message is clearly supposed to be "look how awesome it is to have built-in WiFi in your car."  What am I missing?

I know what I'm missing- the basic human dignity and decency that includes interaction, and that is being steadily eroded by this constant addiction to Carry Everywhere Television and Electronic Distraction.  To hell with people, check out what's going on here on this screen you can bring with you.  Why would you want to get to know the people around you by talking to them when you can watch this pointless crap and pretend that you are alone in your living room?

Maybe I really was just born too late.  But every time I see one of these "never stop watching stuff ever" commercials, I'm so grateful that I grew up before "connectivity" became a religion, Antisocial asshattery became the norm, and conversations became something you have when there is absolutely, positively no alternative.   Because this- this is just gross, sorry.

How can we tell that this is a fairly old commercial for Lowe's?

It's certainly not that the father is being a bragging doofus doomed to fail.  That's true in every commercial, and has been true in pretty much every commercial for the past thirty years.

It's not that the kid is a disrespectful, ungrateful little punk who is probably mortified at the thought of being seen with Dad on the front lawn.  Again, this is pretty par for the course.

Nope- the way we know that this is an old commercial (it's from 2008, according to YouTube) is that neither the Dad nor his son seems to have a cell phone in his hand.  What did people do with their hands back then?