A new triumph in marketing- Viruses you actually have to order and have shipped to your home via snail mail!

Ok, I'll admit two things straight out- first, that when I first saw this commercial, I was sure that it was a brilliantly done gag.  I mean, come on- there are a thousand "download this thing which will quickly convince you that your computer is about to explode it has so many viruses, and it will replace those viruses with OUR viruses" services- MyCleanPC, PCMatic, MyFasterPC, etc. (which may or may not be the same product under different names.)  Who would actually respond to a slow internet connection by ordering this device and then waiting for it to show up in the mail?  Oh, right- really old people who like to be ripped off by operators instead of impersonal buttons and who find the idea of "downloading" really confusing and frightening.

Second- I can't find any complaints about this particular device, which seems to be nothing more than a Magic USB* which does exactly what the downloadable things do....without installing viruses and cookies which can't be removed ever?  Maybe it's because it's a new thing that nobody has purchased and been screwed by yet?  Maybe it's legit?  (I kind of seriously doubt this, because if it IS legit, it seems to me that it would be a huge seller at Best Buy or any number of stores that sell computers- heck, Dell could make a bundle selling them off their site....)

*Why didn't they just call it MagicUSB?  Old people love Magic- check out the popularity of Copper Bracelets and Angel Coins.  Maybe it's the USB part?  Then just call it Magic Thing You Plug Into The Side Of The Computer.  Gotta know your audience.

Can someone please beat the H&R Block guy to death with his own unjustified smug?

I really don't want to see this creep on my television any more.  Several years of "come and get your money" is more than enough for me, really.

I wonder how many people who watch these commercials realize that when you get a refund, it means you overpaid, not that you won some f--ing lottery or that every spring the government decides to hand out wads of cash to those smart enough to hire H&R Block to file for them.  If this jackass with his stupid bow tie was honest, he'd be telling us to set up our deductions correctly so we got our money every paycheck, not once a year.  Instead it's "you've got a billion dollars waiting for you, America, so come and get it before Santa's magic sack is empty."  Ugh.

Oh, and the "your money is calling to you" bit?  Gross.  It's money.  It can buy stuff, it can buy people, it can buy momentary pleasure.  If it could buy happiness, we'd make even less than we do now, because those who possess it would hoard it and call us unworthy of it ( I mean, even more than they do now.)    It's not singing some damn siren song to anyone but the most disgustingly shallow knobs out there, and I don't give a damn about them.

Meanwhile, ETS?  Any time you want to send that W-2 would be just great, because I do have a small refund coming.  It's not a billion dollars, but I won't sneeze at it, either.

Oh Seriously- Bite Me, CTU

Look, I've got nothing against Online Courses and Online Colleges.  I get that they offer some level of educational opportunity for people who can't afford "the traditional route," or who already hold down jobs and simply do not have the time for classes on campus.  Fine.

But pompous schmuck narrator?  Don't tell me I was some kind of Go Along With The Crowd zombie because I went to a traditional college for four years and sat in classrooms and made friends and had actual face to face conversations with professors and went out for beers afterwards to discuss class material and plan study strategies.*  Don't try to convince me that I was a sheep who let "the system" get "control" over my educational experience and "run" the four years I spent at that school.  Because you are just coming off as a jealous punk jackass who is trying to make a virtue out of being unable to deal with the discipline required by a structured curriculum.  I don't admire you one bit.

Run away, run away, lock yourself in your bedroom and set your own schedule, if you've got the skills to do it and stick with it.  When you apply for your "career" (I suggest you ditch the attitude first) good luck competing with the people who have already demonstrated a willingness to adapt to a challenging educational structure they couldn't mold in their own comfy image.  Be ready to explain to the guy who is interviewing you about how "traditional" college "wasn't for you" because you like to "work at your own pace."  That will go over great, Mr. Rebel.

So good luck "at" Colorado Technical University.com.  I'm sure it will leave you with warm memories of all the chat rooms and the time Pikertroll67 made that awesome point and stumped the "professor."  And that other time you OD'd on Red Bull when you realized that all the school's flexibility couldn't get you out of attaching that essay and getting it into the class's Shared File by midnight.  Like Animal House and Back to School wrapped into one, wasn't it, you scruffy pompous loser?

*I spent every other Thursday night my Sophomore year at my girlfriend's house studying for the bimonthly Anthropology test.  Yeah, that would have been much more fun online.   But we had to deal with 1980s technology, so what could we do?

Think "tuck your baby in from a phone booth" sounds inviting? YOU WILL

Think that you'll ever be permanently attached to your work, on call 24/7 via your "cellular phone?"  YOU WILL.

Think that you'll ever carry a television around wherever you go and watch it on trains, planes, while in your car, while in the park, and all of the other places you used to go to do interesting things which involved exercise?  YOU WILL.

Think that you'll ever sit in restaurants and stare at a little screen instead of having a conversation with the person you're "having lunch with?"  YOU WILL.

Think that your children will ever demand- and receive- data plans which allow them to become texting, downloading, viewing morons like their parents?  THEY WILL.

Think that you'll ever forget how to have actual face-to-face meetings with actual human beings because you've built an electronic cocoon around yourself and have become a socially isolated zombie?  YOU WILL.

Think that you'll ever become addicted to the idea of recording every television show and then spending entire weekends "catching up" on "your favorites" instead of doing all those things you currently do with weekends- like meet up with friends, go to plays and movies and museums, or just read?  YOU WILL.

Think that you'll ever spend a huge chunk of the only life you'll ever have playing video games involving cartoon birds and candy and exploding skeletons and wizards, even though you're an adult? YOU WILL.

It's 1993, and AT&T is giving us a grim vision of our electronics-dominated future.  If only we had played closer attention and remembered that no matter how helpful technology looks at its introduction, it always gets twisted and corroded by Wall Street and Capitalism.  Meh, it probably would not have mattered.

Oh, and BTW- what the hell is a "fax?"

Yeah, I think I've identified your problem, GoDaddy Lady....

And no, it's not that "running your own shop is brutal," although I will say, if that's your attitude despite the fact that a few seconds later you admit that you basically have no customers, you really need to give up this I Can Run My Own Business fantasy and get yourself a job, you weird tool.

No, your problem is that your disgusting family is hanging around your shop scaring away any potential customers you MIGHT have had.  Not that you are helping, acting like an idiot who doesn't seem to understand that the little dance you are all doing is supposed to simulate having sex (when that started all I could think was OMIGOD THERE IS NOT ENOUGH BRAIN BLEACH IN THE WORLD TO GET THIS COMMERCIAL OUT OF MY HEAD EVER.  And I never use the phrase OMIGOD.)

This commercial is one of the reasons that I think people who say things like "I watch the Superbowl for the Commercials" are the sickest, scariest weirdos on the planet.  Because as horrible as this ad is, we all know it's going to be topped sometime Sunday night.  What is the matter with you people?

Weebly gives me faith that this will be another American Century

I mean, just think about it- Weebly is a website that allows us to take our very best ideas and present them in a winning way.  And what are our very best ideas?

Well, there's the Jumping Off a Cliff idea.  I've encouraged a lot of people over the years to take advantage of this option, but have been unable to sell it to any of them.  With Weebly, I expect that in a very short time I'll be seeing a lot of very deserving people hurling themselves off cliffs.  And more power to them.

And then there's the Egg-Shaped Ice Cube idea.  "The Ice Cube Has Grown Up."  A great slogan for a great product.  That's called Filling a Need, and Nobody- NOBODY- does it better than Americans.  That's why we're Number One even when some of the products we churn out look a lot more like Number Two.  And don't you forget- um, something.  The Alamo, I think.

"Why not put fried chicken in Sushi?" That's a question only an American would ask.  After all, please tell me what people on Earth have ever been better at taking something healthy and turning it into life-shortening crap?  Remember, we are also the people who invented the bacon-stuffed cheeseburger, the cheese-stuffed pizza, and the deep fryer small enough to take on camping trips.  Naturally the country that would inflict upon (errr, I mean, "introduce to") the world the Cheese and Special Sauce Sandwich using Fried Chicken Instead of Bread would be the one to put fried chicken in Sushi.  If we waited for the Japanese to do it, we'd totally miss out.

Hell, I'm not even going to mention the Cardboard Furniture bit.  At this point, that's overkill .

I just wish Weebly had been around when I started this site.  This site is a really, really good idea that doesn't get any traffic.  Weebly would change that.  Because please tell me what is needed more than good healthy snark aimed at what America really does best- produce stupid, pointless junk and then make stupid, pointless commercials which convince stupid, aimless Americans that it's all necessary?

Ok, so you are going to live. Now what?

I'm trying to remember a time in my life when I would have been anywhere near as delighted as this woman with the discovery that I was less likely to die in the very near future.  Nowadays I take comments from my doctor that I seem to be doing fine and that there are no obvious danger signs that jump from the results of my physical with a "meh, whatever" or even a sense of sadness that I've got no reason to believe that this is going to end any time soon.

This is what "you're healthy and if you continue to be healthy you are going to live a great many more years" means for more and more Americans:

A.  you can't retire because you are going to be elderly longer than you thought- plan for twenty-five years instead of fifteen like your parents did.

B.  no matter how hard you work, you are probably going to outlive your money and die in poverty.  Aren't you glad you're healthy?

C.  if you want to stay healthy, better keep shelling out what little money you have for this expensive drug, because it's what's keeping you artificially healthy.  When you can't afford it, your Cholesterol is going through the roof, which at least will take care of problems A and B.

The people in this ad seem to have so much to live for- the news that their chlorestorol level has fallen is greeted with high-fives and fist-pumps and "YES!" and clear demonstrations that they love their lives so very much, the news that they are going to be hanging around for awhile is Just Unbelievably Awesome Yay Crestor.

I guess I kind of envy them.