Sorry- to me, you'll always be the guy riding the CGI wave in "Die Another Day"

In 1986, Roger Moore (mercifully) retired as the third man to play James Bond on the big screen.  People my age remember that Moore stayed in the role longer than any other actor- 12 years and 7 films- and probably walked away at least two films and six years too late.  He was fifty-eight years old when the god-awful A View To A Kill was released in 1985, and man did he look it.

See that sunset, Mr. Moore?  Have a nice ride into it.  Better late than never.  Take Tanya Roberts with you.

In 1994, Timothy Dalton- an actual, Royal Shakespeare Theater-trained actor, got sick of waiting around for United Artists to get it's financial house in order and decided to give up the role of James Bond after only two films.  Anyone who has ever talked film with me knows that I consider Dalton the very best actor to ever play the Bond role, and believe that his two contributions to the Bond library were real highlights in the series.   Dalton brought a darker, edgier, more realistic portrayal to Fleming's iconic character, and his scripts were down-to-Earth spy stories which were a welcome change after a dozen years of Mad Billionaires Who Want To Kill Everyone On Earth Being Thwarted As Soon As Roger Moore Can Be Bothered To Stop Having Sex With Everyone schlock.
But Dalton is also one of the most criminally underappreciated actors ever, so American audiences didn't exactly react with a collective moan at the news that Dalton would not be returning for a third film.

Pierce Brosnan played James Bond in four films which were released in the years 1995-2002.  The first one was ok.  The second one was a ripoff of You Only Live Twice AND The Spy Who Loved Me.  The third one featured Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist.  The fourth one was dominated by Halle Berry, CGI, and the worst title song in the entire series until it was beaten out by "Another Way To Die" in 2008.  Moore's reign as Bond featured one car chase after another- Brosnan's was a wall of noise created by endless machine gun fire and explosions- action set pieces in which Waiter In a Tux Brosnan might as well have been just another stuntman.  Oh, and he couldn't act his way out of a paper bag.

In 2005, Brosnan became the very first Bond actor to actually be fired from the role.  He didn't handle it very well, tossing out whiny, peevish, bitter and juvenile snark at his former benefactors.  Daniel Craig has done very well with the job (except for Quantum of Solace,) pretty much silencing the critics who thought that he couldn't follow Pierce.

Last year, Brosnan attempted an action hero comeback in The November Man.  Oh, you missed it?  So did pretty much everyone else.

See that sunset, Mr. Brosnan?  Have a nice ride into it.  Here's a crappy car you can use.  Take Halle Berry and the ice palace and CGI tidal wave and Madonna with you.   And good luck with that November Man sequel.  I'll try not to blink and miss it like I did the original.

Jeeesh....this isn't very classy, is it?

Tom Sims, Snowboarding innovator and entrepreneur, has been dead for two years.  Maybe his family, not satisfied with their take in the will, decided to sell old home movies for a few bucks?  However this car company got them, this just doesn't feel right at all.

Hey look, a reason to wake up tomorrow

I still think that cell phones represent the ultimate debasement of technology, but e-cigarettes have to be running a close second.   Check out this ad- we've reached a new Renaissance here, folks.  Tomorrow is going to be great- because now you can stick this new thing in your pathetic addicted mouth and suck away on something that Isn't Exactly A Cigarette but you can bet contains all kinds of harmful junk our wonderful FDA will reveal to us in another generation or two- when e-cig addicts can be counted in the millions, of course.

Or, you could just see your doctor and take steps to quit your stupid, juvenile, disgusting, life-shortening and healthcare cost-inflating habit.  Morons.

Isn't the tagline "Do More" the ultimate in false advertising?

First, I don't want to be mean- but whatever that squealing weird thing is sitting next to the guy on the couch, man it's annoying.  I mean, I guess it's a female of the human species, but what the hell?  Is she eight, or fourteen, or thirty?  What the hell is going on with her face and her voice?  This is beyond horrifying.

Ok, now on to the rest of this ad- naturally, it takes place in a virtual palace of a living room, but that's just par for the course in TV land.  That's not my major issue- I could create an entire blog dedicated to the unrealistically massive houses everyone in commercials seems to occupy.  No, it's more the guy's attitude- that he's doing Whatever The Hell That Is some kind of favor by giving her the opportunity to talk, text, tweet, download all she wants without limits because Hey After All That's What Life Is For, Right?

I really think that the message of this ad is supposed to be "this is what an awesome parent does"* I think it's more like "this is what an idiot who has no interest in being a parent but who wants his offspring to leave him alone" does.  Since when is feeding a loved one's addiction a good thing?  Oh yeah- when the addiction is a cell phone and can be fed with Unlimited Data Plan deals.

Again- can someone PLEASE explain to me why this is attractive to anyone?  I'd especially like to hear from parents- why is this a good idea?  Are you people all insane, or what?

*If one is the parent of a freakish adult/child hybrid thing, perhaps? Seriously, What IS that?

A new triumph in marketing- Viruses you actually have to order and have shipped to your home via snail mail!

Ok, I'll admit two things straight out- first, that when I first saw this commercial, I was sure that it was a brilliantly done gag.  I mean, come on- there are a thousand "download this thing which will quickly convince you that your computer is about to explode it has so many viruses, and it will replace those viruses with OUR viruses" services- MyCleanPC, PCMatic, MyFasterPC, etc. (which may or may not be the same product under different names.)  Who would actually respond to a slow internet connection by ordering this device and then waiting for it to show up in the mail?  Oh, right- really old people who like to be ripped off by operators instead of impersonal buttons and who find the idea of "downloading" really confusing and frightening.

Second- I can't find any complaints about this particular device, which seems to be nothing more than a Magic USB* which does exactly what the downloadable things do....without installing viruses and cookies which can't be removed ever?  Maybe it's because it's a new thing that nobody has purchased and been screwed by yet?  Maybe it's legit?  (I kind of seriously doubt this, because if it IS legit, it seems to me that it would be a huge seller at Best Buy or any number of stores that sell computers- heck, Dell could make a bundle selling them off their site....)

*Why didn't they just call it MagicUSB?  Old people love Magic- check out the popularity of Copper Bracelets and Angel Coins.  Maybe it's the USB part?  Then just call it Magic Thing You Plug Into The Side Of The Computer.  Gotta know your audience.

Can someone please beat the H&R Block guy to death with his own unjustified smug?

I really don't want to see this creep on my television any more.  Several years of "come and get your money" is more than enough for me, really.

I wonder how many people who watch these commercials realize that when you get a refund, it means you overpaid, not that you won some f--ing lottery or that every spring the government decides to hand out wads of cash to those smart enough to hire H&R Block to file for them.  If this jackass with his stupid bow tie was honest, he'd be telling us to set up our deductions correctly so we got our money every paycheck, not once a year.  Instead it's "you've got a billion dollars waiting for you, America, so come and get it before Santa's magic sack is empty."  Ugh.

Oh, and the "your money is calling to you" bit?  Gross.  It's money.  It can buy stuff, it can buy people, it can buy momentary pleasure.  If it could buy happiness, we'd make even less than we do now, because those who possess it would hoard it and call us unworthy of it ( I mean, even more than they do now.)    It's not singing some damn siren song to anyone but the most disgustingly shallow knobs out there, and I don't give a damn about them.

Meanwhile, ETS?  Any time you want to send that W-2 would be just great, because I do have a small refund coming.  It's not a billion dollars, but I won't sneeze at it, either.

Oh Seriously- Bite Me, CTU

Look, I've got nothing against Online Courses and Online Colleges.  I get that they offer some level of educational opportunity for people who can't afford "the traditional route," or who already hold down jobs and simply do not have the time for classes on campus.  Fine.

But pompous schmuck narrator?  Don't tell me I was some kind of Go Along With The Crowd zombie because I went to a traditional college for four years and sat in classrooms and made friends and had actual face to face conversations with professors and went out for beers afterwards to discuss class material and plan study strategies.*  Don't try to convince me that I was a sheep who let "the system" get "control" over my educational experience and "run" the four years I spent at that school.  Because you are just coming off as a jealous punk jackass who is trying to make a virtue out of being unable to deal with the discipline required by a structured curriculum.  I don't admire you one bit.

Run away, run away, lock yourself in your bedroom and set your own schedule, if you've got the skills to do it and stick with it.  When you apply for your "career" (I suggest you ditch the attitude first) good luck competing with the people who have already demonstrated a willingness to adapt to a challenging educational structure they couldn't mold in their own comfy image.  Be ready to explain to the guy who is interviewing you about how "traditional" college "wasn't for you" because you like to "work at your own pace."  That will go over great, Mr. Rebel.

So good luck "at" Colorado Technical University.com.  I'm sure it will leave you with warm memories of all the chat rooms and the time Pikertroll67 made that awesome point and stumped the "professor."  And that other time you OD'd on Red Bull when you realized that all the school's flexibility couldn't get you out of attaching that essay and getting it into the class's Shared File by midnight.  Like Animal House and Back to School wrapped into one, wasn't it, you scruffy pompous loser?

*I spent every other Thursday night my Sophomore year at my girlfriend's house studying for the bimonthly Anthropology test.  Yeah, that would have been much more fun online.   But we had to deal with 1980s technology, so what could we do?