New Name, Still Crap

I guess they got the idea from Kentucky Fried Chicken- every few decades, a junk chain "restaurant" should change it's name or logo-- not so much that it's loyal customers don't recognize it as the same hole-in-the-strip-mall they've been buying their artery-clogging junk since they were kids, but enough to convince a new generation that they are different from that greasy carb factory they wouldn't be caught dead in except Hey Look The Name Is Different.

Good luck with this, Dominos.  I see you've got yourself an army of paid shills to pimp the new name in the YouTube comment section.  But I'm still not going to be laying down money to buy your mass-produced poison, be it pizza, pasta or whatever crud you're peddling at 7-11 prices this week.

Oh, and the dramatic music?  Yeah, hate to break it to you, but you changing your name just isn't that big a deal to anyone with anything resembling a life.  Which means it probably is a big deal to most of your regulars.  I'm sure they'll adjust, though- they got through the transition to KFC without too much trauma, after all.

Progressive's Name Your Own Way You'd Like To Be Shafted Ad

By coincidence, I have always looked upon Flo's Progressive commercials as great candidates for a toxic waste dump....

"So, with Progressive, I can name my own price?"

"You betcha!  We don't have price tags here!  Just tell us what you want to pay, and we'll create a policy that matches your budget!"

"Ok- I want to pay $100 a month."

"Sounds great!  At that level of coverage, there's no deductable, and we provide a rental car free of charge for up to two weeks while your car is repaired or, if totalled, while you pick out a new car one model year younger than the one that you trashed."

"Actually, $100 is a bit much.  I want to pay $50 a month."

"Sounds good!  At that level of coverage, there's a $500 deductable and we provide a rental car for an additional $10 a day for up to a week, after which it's totally on your own dime.  And if your car is totalled we'll hook you up with a new car of the same make and model of the one you lost."

"Actually, I'd kind of like to pay $15 a month.  You said I could set my own price, and that's what I'd like to pay."

"Sounds like a plan!  At that level of coverage, there's a $2000 deductable.  We suggest you hitch to the emergency room because the ambulance ride isn't covered, and you take care of your own rental!  If your car is totalled, we'll hook you up with a 1981 Renault LeCar and cancel your policy!"

As for the guy getting scrubbed at the end of this ad- hell, I feel dirty every time I watch one of these stupid things.  Being in one?  I totally get what he's going through.

What I'd Appreciate right now

1.  A sudden terrorist attack centered at this AT&T store, focused on these two people.

2.  A meteor strike at the same place, at the same time, just in case the terrorists miss.

3.  AT&T actually hiring writers to make their ads, rather than handing crayons to monkeys and then just throwing up on the screen whatever the monkeys came up with inside of twenty minutes.

Barring any of that, I really, really appreciate my mute button every time this putrid, steaming pile of absolutely nothing shows up on my television.  I do continue to think that this girl is very cute.  But she's just as cute when I can't hear her spewing noxious, vapid dialogue that I'm pretty sure actually kills brain cells with it's toxic danger-level of Dumb.

Here's a better idea for a Budweiser Commercial which will never be adopted

Budweiser is really good at laying on the manipulative tripe, and always has been.  Dogs and twangy music are especially good devices, because most people are slack-jawed, overly sentimental morons who respond to such cues like Pavlov's dogs to his bell.  "Sad"- looking dog, rain, cardboard box, Deeply Concerned Owner (oh, excuse me, not owner- FRIEND)= You Must Care About All This Crap.

I admit that I didn't watch this ad during the actual Superbowl, because I mute the commercials (I know that's heresy to some people, because I hear it on the Monday after every one- "you didn't watch the commercials?  That's the BEST PART!")  But in my free time I plan to go through each one on YouTube and a majority are likely to get their own posts.  I'll also admit that I couldn't get through this entire ad, because it made my teeth ache with it's sickly-sweet glurge.  But I'm going to take a wild guess that in the end, a perfectly healthy, immaculately groomed puppy somehow makes it back to it's careless-- excuse me, "caring"- um, "family."  And that I'm really, really supposed to care.

Hey, Budweiser?  How about giving us some commercials that, oh, I don't know, have something to do with your BEER?  Maybe "drink Budweiser, because it's cheap and if you drink enough of it, you may actually manage to forget that you can't afford to drink anything better than Budweiser."  Or how about "Budweiser- drink it and drive, and chances are you'll eventually run over a dog as cute as this one."

Yeah, not a chance.

This isn't "Hunting." It's "Ambushing"

Where I grew up, boys hunted.  It's just something we started doing when we reached a certain age.  When Freshman year in high school rolled around, you took a hunting safety course sponsored by the NRA, you went to the range to take your test, and you got your hunting license.  Not some boys.  All boys.  A lot of girls, too.

And when deer season came around, we went to the pancake breakfasts at 5 AM, headed out into the woods before the sun rose, shivered, peered into the icy fog, and walked.  We walked quietly, trying not to make too much noise on the frosty leaves and grass, but we walked.

Some hunters used tree stands.  I never liked them- first, I always thought it was too cold to sit perched up in a tree, twenty feet or more above the ground, for hour after hour.  Second, I could never equate just waiting around for a deer to pick the wrong clearing to wander into with "hunting." Hunting had to mean walking, or it wasn't hunting.  Not to me.

In all the years I engaged in this annual ritual, I never once fired a gun at an actual deer.  Not because I got cold feet or was succumbed to a nagging concience; I just never saw a deer while hunting.  Neither did anyone I ever hunted with.  Maybe it was me.   When I was fifteen, I shot a huge raccoon out of a tree (my best friend's father, a brilliant taxidermist, turned it into a rug for me.)  That was the only animal I ever managed to kill while hunting.

Now, to this commercial- what these people are doing with their fake hay bale makes me rethink the whole tree stand issue.  Hey, "hunters"- this isn't freaking Vietnam.  If a deer sees you before you see it, it's going to run away, not kill you.  If you bag your deer by hiding inside one of these things, you arent' a hunter- at best, you are a trapper.  I put you one very small step above the scumbags who put out salt licks to bait their prey.  If you are in the market for a little house you can set up in the woods and sit in until a large animal comes close enough, do real hunters a favor and just stay on your couch and drink beer in front of the tv.  Because you are giving them* a bad name.

*I haven't hunted in 30 years, not because I have any moral objection to it, but because it's not an especially safe or popular activity here in suburbia.

Point of Personal Privilege: My Credit Union

Ok, first off- this is not my credit union.  I couldn't find a commercial for mine, probably because it's run by the Actual Federal Government and it doesn't need to make commercials to attract customers.  But this commercial was stupid and annoying enough* to make it worthy of my blog, so...

Second, let me say that I generally like my credit union.  They have always been very good to me, quick to respond to questions, etc.  I'm a bit irritated that they shut down pretty much all of their suburban branches and I have to take a train to use the "most convenient" branch, and it has really crappy hours and I have to go through a metal detector to get in....but heck, I've been a member since 1985 and I really don't like change so....

But two weeks ago, my credit union made a mistake.  Ok, things happen, and they fixed it quickly.  That's not the problem.  My problem is what happened next- a comedy of stupid exposing an over-reliance on computer-generated mail.

Here's what happened- I tried to use my debit card and it was rejected.  So I went online and checked my account- and found that it was overdrawn....because for some reason, my credit union had sent Verizon $536 I didn't owe and that Verizon didn't ask for.

I called the credit union and was quickly emailed a "Non-Authorization of Funds" form to fill out and send back, and within two hours the problem was rectified and the money returned to my account.  I didn't get an apology, but at the time that didn't really matter to me.  Mistake made, mistake fixed.  No problem.

Oh, but wait- a few days later, I got a form letter in snail mail from the Credit Union which informed me that my account had overdrawn, that the "bill" generating the overdraft had been paid, and that I was being charged a $28 Member Privilege Fee (this had also quickly been returned, days earlier, when the mistake had been fixed.)  Meh, no big deal I figured- these things are automatically generated and sent, whatever.

The next day, I got another form letter- "Your account is overdrawn by this amount, please remit to keep your account in good standing."  Again, I know these letters are generated and sent automatically, but now I'm getting a little irritated.  The Credit Union made a mistake, and fixed it.  I didn't ask for an apology, but now I'm thinking I would have liked that- especially if I was going to get "you've been a bad boy, send us money" notices instead.

Today I got one more letter- "The United States Credit Union is committed to your financial well-being and we would like to help you avoid these costly fees in the future."  Um, how?  By disciplining the person who screwed up my account?  That would be ok- but why tell me?

I mean, come on- what's next, credit union- are you going to send me a Helpful, Informative list of Financial Peace University seminars in my neighborhood?

And now I want an apology- not so much for the mistake (which would have been more than mildly annoying if I had been on vacation,) but for the daily "our computer assumes you did something wrong so here's another politely condescending missive" letters.  So I'll be calling on Monday and asking for one- and for the address of a person I can send at least three "we noticed you screwed up a customer's bank account" letters to.  Wish me luck.

*Even the YouTube glue-sniffers hate this commercial.   Just check out the comments.

Sorry- to me, you'll always be the guy riding the CGI wave in "Die Another Day"

In 1986, Roger Moore (mercifully) retired as the third man to play James Bond on the big screen.  People my age remember that Moore stayed in the role longer than any other actor- 12 years and 7 films- and probably walked away at least two films and six years too late.  He was fifty-eight years old when the god-awful A View To A Kill was released in 1985, and man did he look it.

See that sunset, Mr. Moore?  Have a nice ride into it.  Better late than never.  Take Tanya Roberts with you.

In 1994, Timothy Dalton- an actual, Royal Shakespeare Theater-trained actor, got sick of waiting around for United Artists to get it's financial house in order and decided to give up the role of James Bond after only two films.  Anyone who has ever talked film with me knows that I consider Dalton the very best actor to ever play the Bond role, and believe that his two contributions to the Bond library were real highlights in the series.   Dalton brought a darker, edgier, more realistic portrayal to Fleming's iconic character, and his scripts were down-to-Earth spy stories which were a welcome change after a dozen years of Mad Billionaires Who Want To Kill Everyone On Earth Being Thwarted As Soon As Roger Moore Can Be Bothered To Stop Having Sex With Everyone schlock.
But Dalton is also one of the most criminally underappreciated actors ever, so American audiences didn't exactly react with a collective moan at the news that Dalton would not be returning for a third film.

Pierce Brosnan played James Bond in four films which were released in the years 1995-2002.  The first one was ok.  The second one was a ripoff of You Only Live Twice AND The Spy Who Loved Me.  The third one featured Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist.  The fourth one was dominated by Halle Berry, CGI, and the worst title song in the entire series until it was beaten out by "Another Way To Die" in 2008.  Moore's reign as Bond featured one car chase after another- Brosnan's was a wall of noise created by endless machine gun fire and explosions- action set pieces in which Waiter In a Tux Brosnan might as well have been just another stuntman.  Oh, and he couldn't act his way out of a paper bag.

In 2005, Brosnan became the very first Bond actor to actually be fired from the role.  He didn't handle it very well, tossing out whiny, peevish, bitter and juvenile snark at his former benefactors.  Daniel Craig has done very well with the job (except for Quantum of Solace,) pretty much silencing the critics who thought that he couldn't follow Pierce.

Last year, Brosnan attempted an action hero comeback in The November Man.  Oh, you missed it?  So did pretty much everyone else.

See that sunset, Mr. Brosnan?  Have a nice ride into it.  Here's a crappy car you can use.  Take Halle Berry and the ice palace and CGI tidal wave and Madonna with you.   And good luck with that November Man sequel.  I'll try not to blink and miss it like I did the original.