"The First Download is Free," the drug dealer said.

I'm not going to spend a whole lot of time snarking on everyone's favorite game Advertised in Commercials Not Starring Kate Upton's Breasts.  Because unlike the people who invest so much of their lives in junk like this, I happen to think that time is kind of precious.

Instead, I decided that I'd just give a little bit of free advertising to the good people over at Honest Trailers, who do a far better job nailing this pointless garbage than I ever could.

 And then I'll take a trip down memory lane, to the good old days when video games were innocent fun for little kids, not idiotic time wasters for alleged adults who really ought to trade in their addiction to electronic junk for something less damaging and expensive, like marijuana- I used to spend up to half an hour at a time playing this particular game, but my mom was the best player in the house:



(The cartridge cost $20- no downloading, no upgrading, no additional levels to pay for- just moderately priced fun when it was too rainy or cold to play outside, or one was suffering from an illness that kept one housebound.  Oh, and when one was a CHILD.)

Air Wick's sloppy Valentine to itself is downright cringe-worthy

(Warning:  This ad may be used to induce vomiting.)

I only got through the first minute and a half of this glurge- then I noticed that it was going to go on for another two minutes, and (very wisely, I think) said to myself "to hell with this," clicked pause, clicked Embed, and went to work.  I do know that the guy here is supposed to be in the military stationed in Qatar, yet he's got a wife and six kids living in a mansion back in North Carolina - which means "in the military" translates to "Halliburton Contractor."  And that his wife uses framed photographs as wallpaper.

And that 11 months into his deployment, people tell him "how do you do it, you're in the military, you're a hero" apparently to set up his favorite punchline, "no, my wife is the hero..." Awwwww aren't you something?  I actually agree with you- she's the one raising six kids while you wander around a non-combat zone thinking about people calling you a hero (and why DO people call you a hero, anyway?  Because you're in the military and that's a throwaway line to describe anyone in the military?  Or are you just BSing here?)

This giant dollop of sugary twee makes Apple and Audi commercials seem downright humble by comparison.  Apparently all the experiences of our childhoods- well, the smells, anyway- can be recalled through the proper application of chemicals conveniently squirted into the air by molded plastic containers that will still be in great shape, sitting in landfills, 100,000 years from now.

Maybe this is true if you grew up in a sterile suburb with lunatic parents who made sure that every minute of your life was slathered with Pine-Sol and Vick's Vapo-Rub, or if your mom was really great at warming up Mrs. Smith's frozen "apple" pies.  But if you are poor "unfortunate" like me and grew up in the country, don't expect to find the odors of your youth packaged and ready to be experienced with a touch of a button like this.  I don't think Air Wick is going to be producing the odor of a barn or a forest or a dirt road during the snow-melt flooding (what we in Vermont call "mud season") anytime soon- or if they try, it will be anything more than a spectacular fail (what these people think "pine" or "rain shower" smells like....ugh....)

(And no, I don't want to know what candles that "smell like my kids" smell like.  If you walk into someone's house and instantly "know they have kids," I don't get how that's a good thing. Better than "know they have unhousebroken dogs," but still, not a good thing.)

But I guess the idea here is that great distances can be crossed and life made bearable through the magic of artificial scenting.  I don't know how this "story" ends up- for the third time in as many days, I found myself unable to get through the first thirty seconds of one of these ridiculous mini-dramas which tend to show up on YouTube but (mercifully) rarely on television.  So I don't know if this guy actually gets back to his family, or they just find some level of connectivity through shared orafactory experiences, or what.  And I don't care.  I'm too busy trying to understand why someone put so much effort into such a stupid commercial for such an innoculous product.  Hey, Air Wick? Nobody buys your crap because they want to sniff their way to a Better Place.  The only reason anyone uses this stuff is because they are too lazy or busy to actually keep their living spaces clean and are trying to cover up that fact to themselves and their guests.  So spare us this maudlin crud in the future, ok?

Want to bet Kim's day started with Carnation Instant Breakfast?

Here's another commercial featuring "parents" showing their kids how much they "love them" by taking the time and effort to put solid, nutritious food on the table.  Because a big house and all the material comforts one could ask for are all well and good, but nothing says "I love you" quite like a well-balanced meal at the end of the day.

Nah, to hell with that.  Takes too much shopping and preparation- and the DVR is overloaded as it is.  Why waste all that time when you can serve up a "dinner" consisting entirely of a pan of instant mac'n cheese, a salad, and rolls?  Here's a quick tip- switch to paper plates, and make the whole "we don't give a damn" experience complete.

At least the "parents" left the Stouffer's box out, instead of trying to con the kids into thinking more than ten seconds of thought went into this---umm,  "meal."  Way to go, people.

Hey, I got through this entire take without even mentioning that we're supposed to believe this junk is so good, one bite is enough to blow whatever witless nonsense Kim was spouting right out of her brain.  Wow- if she's this impressed by Stouffer's Heat-and-Eat crud, imagine what the rest of her diet looks like.  Not pretty.

Because you can't spell "Care" without "Carnation...."

Which way should I go with this one?

A)  Gee, it's a good thing that Mom and Dad decided to invest in this massive kitchen with all the newest appliances and an island and everything- without it, it might be hard for this kid to find the bottle of Instant Breakfast Just Drink It And Don't Make A Mess in the morning.  What are all those appliances for, anyway?  To heat up the can of Chef Boy-R-Dee ravioli you plan to serve for dinner? To nuke those Hot Pockets?  To keep Dad's beer cold?

B)  Gee, it's a good thing that Mom opted for the Stay At Home route- otherwise this kid might have to unscrew the cap of his breakfast all by himself.  What are you cleaning there, Mommy?  You've worked it out so that your family doesn't even have to dirty a glass in the morning.  Once you get Hubby to buy into your Disposable Clothes and Sheets idea, you're home free.  A bottle of chocolate milk for breakfast- the love is just melting off the screen, isn't it?

C)  This kid is old enough to pour some milk into a bowl of cereal, cut himself a grapefruit, toast some bread, etc.  Get up ten minutes earlier and make yourself a real breakfast, idiot- because that milkshake you just chugged?  It's going to leave you hungry way before lunch.   Like three hours.

I guess I decided to go with all three.  And I 'll add this one last observation- here's an obviously very well-off family living in a big house in a comfy upscale suburb, headed by at least one adult who thinks that the best she can do for her precious spawn is provide a "breakfast" he can get down in ten seconds.  I think it's safe to assume that there's an equally loving box of Lunchables in that kid's backpack.   Gotta cut corners somewhere, I guess.

I guess it's nice that this guy is making a living, anyway

Can someone explain to me why we should care which car rental company the guy who played Elaine's boyfriend for a few seasons on Seinfeld uses?  Hell, I don't even know why he NEEDS a car rental company- this guy has someplace to go?

Ok, that was mean.

Still, other than Being Elaine's Boyfriend, the only thing I ever saw this guy in was a very short-lived sitcom in which he played a superhero in a bug costume, or something.  No, I'm not going to look it up.  I don't care.  Is this gig playing his Seinfeld character just a nod to 90s nostalgia, or what?  Because I just don't get it.

And I really, really don't care which car rental company he uses, or why.  Any more than I care where his eyes are.  Life's too short and I'm too selfish.

When it comes to medication, Daughter knows Best (as usual)

There are a million of these ads featuring children picking up tiny nuggets of information about certain diseases and immediately using that information to pressure their parents into pressuring their doctors into changing their medication Just Because Look There's This New Drug I Saw On TV.

Here, Daughter tells dad "hey, you've got A-Fib (man I hate that...)"  I'm pretty sure Dad already knows this- after all, he's already being treated for it, as revealed when he tells his daughter "I'm on Warfarin."

In one ear and out the other- it's all very well and good that dad knows about his disease, and it's Simply Adorable that he thinks he and his doctor can manage it without Daughter's interference---errrr, help.  But daughter didn't show up with her laptop and her link to a Pradaxa Ad just to be turned aside with a "yes, I'm already dealing with it."  I mean, who knows more about the drug dad should be on- the doctor who has been working with dad, or dad's own DAUGHTER?  Case closed.

So Daughter escorts Dad to the doctor- Dad thought he was a big boy and could go to the doctor all by himself, but Dad was wrong.  If Dad goes to the doctor without Daughter, he might get fed some "Warfarin is working fine for you, there's no reason to change" BS by Uncaring, Uninformed By Television Drug Commercials Doctor.  Daughter has to be there to make sure Doctor knows the score- put Dad on Pradaxa, or Daughter--- um, I mean Dad--- is going to be finding himself another Doctor to hand his Medicare Part D money to.

This being television, we are supposed to believe that yeah, Doctor was vaguely aware of this Pradaxa stuff but is usually reluctant to change prescriptions for his patients unless talked into it by someone who has more knowledge on the subject than he does, like the children of said patients.  After a five-minute conversation at his desk- who needs additional tests?- Doctor agrees to switch Dad to Predaxa.  If this happens in real life, I'd be asking the doctor if the medication really matters at all, we're being so flip about dumping it and trying something else.

At the end of the commercial Daughter is happy- for now.  After all, Dad and Doctor did her bidding, without putting up any kind of fuss at all (it looks like she had a harder time convincing Dad than Doctor- I guess Doctor doesn't really give a damn what Dad's taking, as long as insurance is covering the office visit.)  In a few months, she'll see some new drug on tv and immediately conclude "I think Dad should be taking that.  Like, starting yesterday."

My dad takes a basket of pills every morning.  I don't know what any of them are.  I'm sure as heck not going to be dropping in to pressure him to try this or that new drug Just Because.  Either I'm not as caring as Daughter, or I've got a lot more going on in my life than she does.  I'm pretty sure it's the latter.

On the Simpsons they called it "vitamins and alka-seltzer." That's about right

I wondered why this commercial was treating me and the rest of it's audience like stupid children who have no idea how the immune system works, or if the makers of Airborne think that the average customer for their product is eight years old and therefore will buy the whole "immunity army of not-minions working to keep you healthy" bit.

Then I remembered that Americans just love taking unnecessary drugs* and really don't need to be talked into popping just one more thing if they think doing that means they won't catch a cold.   Hey, at least it's not Viagra.

*Full disclosure- when I grade AP exams in Louisville every June, I have to spend eight hours a day for seven days in a convention hall with 1200 people- so I use Airborne or a generic equivalent all that week.  But every day, 365 days a year?  I'm pretty sure that constantly "boosting" your immune system like that would eventually result in a high level of tolerance toward these fuzzy wafer things.  And maybe even a weaker immune system when you don't use it.  At least that's how it seems to me.