Wait....what? What has this got to do with anything, Allstate?

Ok, I seriously do not get it.

In this ad, a woman waxes poetic about what a "great mom" she's going to be while we see her screwing up over and over again in the raising of her (future? Present? Imaginary?) child and doing things that are either horrible (murdering the family hamster with the vacuum cleaner) or stupid (squirting baby bottle milk into her coffee- ugh, go black, moron!) or just plain dangerous (daydreaming about starting a blog while attempting to maneuver an SUV filled with inflated balloons) until her dimwitted daydreaming gets her into an accident, which segues into....an ad for insurance?

For about two seconds, I actually thought that this might be an ad for Google- she tells us she's going to be a "great mom" because "after all," all HER mom had was "common sense" (like not trying to drive around with inflated balloons which obstruct rear vision?) and SHE has Google-- but we never see her attempting to find answers (like "is it a good idea to vacuum the hamster cage while the hamster is in it?")   We just see her patting herself on the back while doing breathtakingly dumb things until she wrecks her car.

Turns out that we are supposed to be inspired to buy insurance after watching this commercial.  Uh huh.  I'm actually more inspired to encourage this woman to keep up with the birth control.  And to slap an Allstate Insurance salesman.  Because what the hell is all this?

Meet Kyle, the least-desired man on the planet until he "Trucked Up."

Kyle's got a problem. He needs a woman- but he's ugly, he can't dress, he doesn't know what a comb or a razor are, he has no personality, and he has absolutely no respect for women, considering his Great Idea on how to attract that woman he needs.

Oh, and he's desperate for a date, but he's also picky about who he dates- he's got a No Crazy Cat Ladies, for example.  Kyle hasn't latched on to the concept that Beggers can't be choosers.

You see, Kyle finally decided that the way to attract a mate was to buy a Magic Truck.  What makes the truck magic?  Well, just look what it did for Kyle- as soon as he bought it, he traded in his glasses for a wetsuit and a sense of fun and adventure.  Ok, maybe the truck isn't actually magic- maybe it just comes standard with a new personality?

If you get through this entire commercial ( I don't recommend it) you learn that while Kyle still talks in a monotone and exhibits absolutely no personality traits attractive to the female sex, being able to post photos of his new truck does manage to get him dates- apparently from women who list Must Own Superflous Truck in personal ads.  Good for you, Kyle- you found yourself a reason to keep living, and all you had to do was buy a truck (and start wearing contacts, and stop wearing stupid short-sleeve button-down shirts- seriously, what male over the age of ten would do such a thing?)

BTW, how is this commercial any different from the one a few years back for a credit card in which a guy is pronounced "boring, boring, boring" by his girlfriend who then dumps him- and the guy responds by getting a new credit card and using the rewards points to do unboring things?  If Kyle had it in him to surf and camp on the beach and do all kinds of fun stuff to begin with, he might have been able to land a date now and then...except that he was missing the essential ingredient, which was a Chevy truck?  Really?  And unless Kyle is just interested in several short-term relationships with frivolous golddiggers, how does it really help him to reel in women by posting photos of his truck anyway?  What am I missing here?

Dish Network hates humans

Yeah, because if you've got an obnoxious jackass son who'd rather watch tv than visit those ugly carbon-based life forms he's related to and needs to be bribed with nonstop television in order to carry on those horrible Being An Empathic Human Being activities, Dish Network has the answer for you.

And hey, so do I- tell your little brat to get his ass in the car NOW, that you don't CARE how much he whines through his nose how he'd rather be watching television, and tell him that if he makes one more hateful comment about Aunt Judy or anyone else, the internet connection is gone, the tv is gone, and the phone is gone.  But hey, that's just me.

Of course, none of this is going to happen- because Dad is every bit as much a horrible douchenozzle as his son.  The apple didn't fall far from the tree.  Speaking of which, wouldn't it be great if this commercial ended with an apple tree falling down and killing everyone (including that stupid CGI kangaroo, which might as well have the label "drug dealer" stapled to it) involved?

So many questions, Volvo. So many questions.....

"Why do we do it?  Why do we fill our cars with distracting electronic gizmos and then attempt to compensate with complicated 'safety devices?'"

"I mean, when you come to think of it, it really doesn't make any sense- we put Sirius Radio and WiFi and Facebook in our cars, and then we try to tell you we care about your safety by installing cameras and warning alerts, even though you wouldn't need any of them if you weren't being forever encouraged to fiddle with all this crap instead of actually driving the freaking car."

"And while we're at it, why do we keep referring to an obsession with electronic communication through the internet as 'Connectivity?'  There's nothing 'connecting' about it- it's more like providing drugs to an addict and then patting ourselves on the back for doing it.  Seriously, you have to check Facebook while driving a car?  What the hell is the matter with you?'"

"It's just who we are- another part of the problem."

Can't even make a good rug, being a cartoon and all

1.  Why the hell is this family playing football in their basement, when it's very obvious that the sun is shining outside?  When did everyone become allergic to fresh air?

2.  At some point, isn't that stupid tiger just intruding on a warm family moment?  How does one get him to just leave already?

3.  Oh wait- maybe Tony isn't really there.  Maybe he's a figment of dad's imagination, or the DTs, or something.  Oh man this commercial review just got really dark.  I'm going to stop now.

"The First Download is Free," the drug dealer said.

I'm not going to spend a whole lot of time snarking on everyone's favorite game Advertised in Commercials Not Starring Kate Upton's Breasts.  Because unlike the people who invest so much of their lives in junk like this, I happen to think that time is kind of precious.

Instead, I decided that I'd just give a little bit of free advertising to the good people over at Honest Trailers, who do a far better job nailing this pointless garbage than I ever could.

 And then I'll take a trip down memory lane, to the good old days when video games were innocent fun for little kids, not idiotic time wasters for alleged adults who really ought to trade in their addiction to electronic junk for something less damaging and expensive, like marijuana- I used to spend up to half an hour at a time playing this particular game, but my mom was the best player in the house:



(The cartridge cost $20- no downloading, no upgrading, no additional levels to pay for- just moderately priced fun when it was too rainy or cold to play outside, or one was suffering from an illness that kept one housebound.  Oh, and when one was a CHILD.)

Air Wick's sloppy Valentine to itself is downright cringe-worthy

(Warning:  This ad may be used to induce vomiting.)

I only got through the first minute and a half of this glurge- then I noticed that it was going to go on for another two minutes, and (very wisely, I think) said to myself "to hell with this," clicked pause, clicked Embed, and went to work.  I do know that the guy here is supposed to be in the military stationed in Qatar, yet he's got a wife and six kids living in a mansion back in North Carolina - which means "in the military" translates to "Halliburton Contractor."  And that his wife uses framed photographs as wallpaper.

And that 11 months into his deployment, people tell him "how do you do it, you're in the military, you're a hero" apparently to set up his favorite punchline, "no, my wife is the hero..." Awwwww aren't you something?  I actually agree with you- she's the one raising six kids while you wander around a non-combat zone thinking about people calling you a hero (and why DO people call you a hero, anyway?  Because you're in the military and that's a throwaway line to describe anyone in the military?  Or are you just BSing here?)

This giant dollop of sugary twee makes Apple and Audi commercials seem downright humble by comparison.  Apparently all the experiences of our childhoods- well, the smells, anyway- can be recalled through the proper application of chemicals conveniently squirted into the air by molded plastic containers that will still be in great shape, sitting in landfills, 100,000 years from now.

Maybe this is true if you grew up in a sterile suburb with lunatic parents who made sure that every minute of your life was slathered with Pine-Sol and Vick's Vapo-Rub, or if your mom was really great at warming up Mrs. Smith's frozen "apple" pies.  But if you are poor "unfortunate" like me and grew up in the country, don't expect to find the odors of your youth packaged and ready to be experienced with a touch of a button like this.  I don't think Air Wick is going to be producing the odor of a barn or a forest or a dirt road during the snow-melt flooding (what we in Vermont call "mud season") anytime soon- or if they try, it will be anything more than a spectacular fail (what these people think "pine" or "rain shower" smells like....ugh....)

(And no, I don't want to know what candles that "smell like my kids" smell like.  If you walk into someone's house and instantly "know they have kids," I don't get how that's a good thing. Better than "know they have unhousebroken dogs," but still, not a good thing.)

But I guess the idea here is that great distances can be crossed and life made bearable through the magic of artificial scenting.  I don't know how this "story" ends up- for the third time in as many days, I found myself unable to get through the first thirty seconds of one of these ridiculous mini-dramas which tend to show up on YouTube but (mercifully) rarely on television.  So I don't know if this guy actually gets back to his family, or they just find some level of connectivity through shared orafactory experiences, or what.  And I don't care.  I'm too busy trying to understand why someone put so much effort into such a stupid commercial for such an innoculous product.  Hey, Air Wick? Nobody buys your crap because they want to sniff their way to a Better Place.  The only reason anyone uses this stuff is because they are too lazy or busy to actually keep their living spaces clean and are trying to cover up that fact to themselves and their guests.  So spare us this maudlin crud in the future, ok?