Go to hell, Toyota, and please take Jan with you

Ok, this one's really gone to seed already.  I don't want to see this freaking lunatic on my television anymore.  It was bad enough when she was just a mannequin sitting behind a desk with a demented smile on her face acting as if telling people about the latest Toyota Marathon Craptacular is just the most awesome job ever available to anyone in the history of the planet.  Now we've got her throwing herself around the showroom like she's on a combination of Starbucks and Speed.

And to make things worse, she's got a class full of kids convinced that her job as mewling spoakschoad is way cooler than that of astronaut- yeah, being a science whiz and going into space, how freaking lame is that compared to being a bleating, lobotomized douchenozzle?

So goodbye, Jan.  You and Red and Flo need to find yourselves the exit, right now.  Enough.  Time for new campaigns.  Here's an idea- try a little creativity this time.  You know, for a change?

Yoplait: The Kindleization of Yogurt

(Does the mom at the end of this commercial actually "restock" the refrigerator with exactly two cups of yogurt?  Did she make a trip to the store and come back with TWO CUPS OF YOGURT, one of which is about to be eatend?  What the hell?)

My totally invented word "Kindleization" refers to the taking of something valuable and healthy and turning it into junk in order to sell more of it.  The original Kindle was turned into a portable television set within a few years of it's release- yeah, you can still use modern Kindles to read books, but they sure aren't marketed for that purpose anymore.  We already have televisions- why do we need Kindles you can watch movies on?  Oh, right- because kids and infantilized adults will buy it.

And yogurt used to be marketed as a great way to get extra calcium and fruit- but check out the new flavors at the end of this ad, Caramel and Cookies and Cream.  We already have pudding and ice cream- why do we need candy-flavored yogurt?  Oh, right- because kids and infantilized adults will buy it.

Man, I hate this century so very much.

Wait....what? What has this got to do with anything, Allstate?

Ok, I seriously do not get it.

In this ad, a woman waxes poetic about what a "great mom" she's going to be while we see her screwing up over and over again in the raising of her (future? Present? Imaginary?) child and doing things that are either horrible (murdering the family hamster with the vacuum cleaner) or stupid (squirting baby bottle milk into her coffee- ugh, go black, moron!) or just plain dangerous (daydreaming about starting a blog while attempting to maneuver an SUV filled with inflated balloons) until her dimwitted daydreaming gets her into an accident, which segues into....an ad for insurance?

For about two seconds, I actually thought that this might be an ad for Google- she tells us she's going to be a "great mom" because "after all," all HER mom had was "common sense" (like not trying to drive around with inflated balloons which obstruct rear vision?) and SHE has Google-- but we never see her attempting to find answers (like "is it a good idea to vacuum the hamster cage while the hamster is in it?")   We just see her patting herself on the back while doing breathtakingly dumb things until she wrecks her car.

Turns out that we are supposed to be inspired to buy insurance after watching this commercial.  Uh huh.  I'm actually more inspired to encourage this woman to keep up with the birth control.  And to slap an Allstate Insurance salesman.  Because what the hell is all this?

Meet Kyle, the least-desired man on the planet until he "Trucked Up."

Kyle's got a problem. He needs a woman- but he's ugly, he can't dress, he doesn't know what a comb or a razor are, he has no personality, and he has absolutely no respect for women, considering his Great Idea on how to attract that woman he needs.

Oh, and he's desperate for a date, but he's also picky about who he dates- he's got a No Crazy Cat Ladies, for example.  Kyle hasn't latched on to the concept that Beggers can't be choosers.

You see, Kyle finally decided that the way to attract a mate was to buy a Magic Truck.  What makes the truck magic?  Well, just look what it did for Kyle- as soon as he bought it, he traded in his glasses for a wetsuit and a sense of fun and adventure.  Ok, maybe the truck isn't actually magic- maybe it just comes standard with a new personality?

If you get through this entire commercial ( I don't recommend it) you learn that while Kyle still talks in a monotone and exhibits absolutely no personality traits attractive to the female sex, being able to post photos of his new truck does manage to get him dates- apparently from women who list Must Own Superflous Truck in personal ads.  Good for you, Kyle- you found yourself a reason to keep living, and all you had to do was buy a truck (and start wearing contacts, and stop wearing stupid short-sleeve button-down shirts- seriously, what male over the age of ten would do such a thing?)

BTW, how is this commercial any different from the one a few years back for a credit card in which a guy is pronounced "boring, boring, boring" by his girlfriend who then dumps him- and the guy responds by getting a new credit card and using the rewards points to do unboring things?  If Kyle had it in him to surf and camp on the beach and do all kinds of fun stuff to begin with, he might have been able to land a date now and then...except that he was missing the essential ingredient, which was a Chevy truck?  Really?  And unless Kyle is just interested in several short-term relationships with frivolous golddiggers, how does it really help him to reel in women by posting photos of his truck anyway?  What am I missing here?

Dish Network hates humans

Yeah, because if you've got an obnoxious jackass son who'd rather watch tv than visit those ugly carbon-based life forms he's related to and needs to be bribed with nonstop television in order to carry on those horrible Being An Empathic Human Being activities, Dish Network has the answer for you.

And hey, so do I- tell your little brat to get his ass in the car NOW, that you don't CARE how much he whines through his nose how he'd rather be watching television, and tell him that if he makes one more hateful comment about Aunt Judy or anyone else, the internet connection is gone, the tv is gone, and the phone is gone.  But hey, that's just me.

Of course, none of this is going to happen- because Dad is every bit as much a horrible douchenozzle as his son.  The apple didn't fall far from the tree.  Speaking of which, wouldn't it be great if this commercial ended with an apple tree falling down and killing everyone (including that stupid CGI kangaroo, which might as well have the label "drug dealer" stapled to it) involved?

So many questions, Volvo. So many questions.....

"Why do we do it?  Why do we fill our cars with distracting electronic gizmos and then attempt to compensate with complicated 'safety devices?'"

"I mean, when you come to think of it, it really doesn't make any sense- we put Sirius Radio and WiFi and Facebook in our cars, and then we try to tell you we care about your safety by installing cameras and warning alerts, even though you wouldn't need any of them if you weren't being forever encouraged to fiddle with all this crap instead of actually driving the freaking car."

"And while we're at it, why do we keep referring to an obsession with electronic communication through the internet as 'Connectivity?'  There's nothing 'connecting' about it- it's more like providing drugs to an addict and then patting ourselves on the back for doing it.  Seriously, you have to check Facebook while driving a car?  What the hell is the matter with you?'"

"It's just who we are- another part of the problem."

Can't even make a good rug, being a cartoon and all

1.  Why the hell is this family playing football in their basement, when it's very obvious that the sun is shining outside?  When did everyone become allergic to fresh air?

2.  At some point, isn't that stupid tiger just intruding on a warm family moment?  How does one get him to just leave already?

3.  Oh wait- maybe Tony isn't really there.  Maybe he's a figment of dad's imagination, or the DTs, or something.  Oh man this commercial review just got really dark.  I'm going to stop now.