It seemed so innocent at the time....

I don't really remember how I felt when I saw this commercial waaaaay back in 1987.  Was it that this was just a stupid, expensive toy that some sucker who thought he had money to burn went to Radio Shack and bought just before the stock market crashed later that year?  Or was it that this was just a stupid, expensive toy that was SO expensive (I can't believe that Radio Shack calls it "affordable"- even in the high-flying 80s there's really nothing "affordable" about it- $2499 for a phone in 1987?  You could buy a brand-new Toyota for less than $10Gs that year.

Or maybe I just sighed and thought "oh look, another pampered, overprivileged upper middle-class white family with money to toss around on LookAtMeStuff."  I have to assume that the guy dressed as a construction worker is actually the owner of the building going up, or at least the foreman.  Because I know that the 80s were a mirage of prosperity, but I still don't recall construction workers having $4000+ to toss away at the local Radio Shack for totally unnecessary, clunky Walkie-Talkies with slightly better connectivity.

(BTW, what the heck is a "Radio Shack," anyway?

Just because it seemed so absurd.....

Your wireless bill is ready online!

Dear JOHN JAMELE, Your monthly wireless bill for canceled account (----------)  is now available online and is due04/13/2015. Note: Your online access is restricted and will be made available only for a limited time. Please log in and make your payment today. If you are enrolled in AutoPay, no further action is required. I know what you'e thinking- what are the benefits of a cancelled account?  Well, there really aren't any- but I just couldn't resist the awesome offer the woman at the AT&T store made if I Signed Up Right Now! Sure it includes no talk, no texting and no data plan- but you would not BELIEVE the price, and it only required a one-year committment!

What do I hate more than BMW Owners? Maybe BMW Owners with Grandmas?

1.  We've reached a new milestone in human achievement: cars which let us know when to turn by showing us maps on the windshield.  In other words, we've also reached a new milestone in pathetic human helplessness.

2.  It would be ok if this family was taking grandma out into the country to dump her off at a farm with an unsigned note attached to her shawl.  From their faces, I'd say they'd been through enough.

3.  A few YouTubers have actually noticed that this mean-spirited ad is a really, really mean-spirited ad.  Good for them- but I wonder why they expected anything better from the makers of the Self-Absorbed Douchemobile Not Named Audi or Lexus.

This Geico Commercial is not the worst part of this Geico Commercial

Think watching an obese 59-year old man attempting to relive his "glory days" as an overrated, flash-in-the-pan NFL player back in the late-80s by basically admitting that he's known for a stupid dance and not for any actual athletic skill is the saddest thing about this ad?

Boy, are you wrong.  Not even close.  Because if you go to YouTube and search "Geico Cold Cuts," you'll find that dozens of morons have posted themselves spoofing on this ad.  Little kids.  Senior Citizens.  One particularly vapid idiot who actually has a "friend" catch her act on an iPhone as she does it in a store filled with customers.

At least Mr. Woods was able to pick up a few extra dollars (he only played in the NFL for three years and has been retired for 25, so for all we know he may well need them) with his minstrel show-level antics.  The rest of these people with their Look At Me Do Stupid Stuff For Your Entertainment Because Someone Convinced Me I'm Worth Paying Attention To?  Beyond worthy of pity, but I've got plenty of contempt to share.

Go to hell, Toyota, and please take Jan with you

Ok, this one's really gone to seed already.  I don't want to see this freaking lunatic on my television anymore.  It was bad enough when she was just a mannequin sitting behind a desk with a demented smile on her face acting as if telling people about the latest Toyota Marathon Craptacular is just the most awesome job ever available to anyone in the history of the planet.  Now we've got her throwing herself around the showroom like she's on a combination of Starbucks and Speed.

And to make things worse, she's got a class full of kids convinced that her job as mewling spoakschoad is way cooler than that of astronaut- yeah, being a science whiz and going into space, how freaking lame is that compared to being a bleating, lobotomized douchenozzle?

So goodbye, Jan.  You and Red and Flo need to find yourselves the exit, right now.  Enough.  Time for new campaigns.  Here's an idea- try a little creativity this time.  You know, for a change?

Yoplait: The Kindleization of Yogurt

(Does the mom at the end of this commercial actually "restock" the refrigerator with exactly two cups of yogurt?  Did she make a trip to the store and come back with TWO CUPS OF YOGURT, one of which is about to be eatend?  What the hell?)

My totally invented word "Kindleization" refers to the taking of something valuable and healthy and turning it into junk in order to sell more of it.  The original Kindle was turned into a portable television set within a few years of it's release- yeah, you can still use modern Kindles to read books, but they sure aren't marketed for that purpose anymore.  We already have televisions- why do we need Kindles you can watch movies on?  Oh, right- because kids and infantilized adults will buy it.

And yogurt used to be marketed as a great way to get extra calcium and fruit- but check out the new flavors at the end of this ad, Caramel and Cookies and Cream.  We already have pudding and ice cream- why do we need candy-flavored yogurt?  Oh, right- because kids and infantilized adults will buy it.

Man, I hate this century so very much.

Wait....what? What has this got to do with anything, Allstate?

Ok, I seriously do not get it.

In this ad, a woman waxes poetic about what a "great mom" she's going to be while we see her screwing up over and over again in the raising of her (future? Present? Imaginary?) child and doing things that are either horrible (murdering the family hamster with the vacuum cleaner) or stupid (squirting baby bottle milk into her coffee- ugh, go black, moron!) or just plain dangerous (daydreaming about starting a blog while attempting to maneuver an SUV filled with inflated balloons) until her dimwitted daydreaming gets her into an accident, which segues into....an ad for insurance?

For about two seconds, I actually thought that this might be an ad for Google- she tells us she's going to be a "great mom" because "after all," all HER mom had was "common sense" (like not trying to drive around with inflated balloons which obstruct rear vision?) and SHE has Google-- but we never see her attempting to find answers (like "is it a good idea to vacuum the hamster cage while the hamster is in it?")   We just see her patting herself on the back while doing breathtakingly dumb things until she wrecks her car.

Turns out that we are supposed to be inspired to buy insurance after watching this commercial.  Uh huh.  I'm actually more inspired to encourage this woman to keep up with the birth control.  And to slap an Allstate Insurance salesman.  Because what the hell is all this?