Oh, this can get a LOT more American, Denny's

Sure, blueberry pancakes topped with strawberries and whipped cream is a good start, but it's certainly not as "American as it gets!"

First, throw in a pound or two of bacon and five slices of white toast on the side.  Add a steak omelette fried in rich creamery butter.  And don't forget the bottomless coffee cup.  Stick a tiny flag made in China on top of the pile.  And when you make a commercial featuring this REAL American breakfast, I want to see every damn customer staring at their cellphones while shoveling this crap down their cake holes.  Instead of this guy muttering "what does that taste like?" I want to see him asking Siri.

See? MUCH more American than red, white and blue pancakes.  You're welcome.

Where you see People, Charles Schwab sees Money

And so it goes in a world absolutely corroded by the mad pursuit of money.  Except for maintaining his three-day growth, there is absolutely nothing more important to this guy than adding just a little more to his already enormous pile of wealth.  So when he sees a lot of wireless headphones cropping up everywhere, he's the first to go to WirelessHeadphonesINC to buy stock and get in on the boom.

What I don't get is, why is he being so damned smug about it?  Wouldn't this commercial make more sense if it showed him reading an article about a new Wireless Headphone Startup, investing in that Startup, and then gazing in satisfaction at the witless drones spending money they don't have on $5 headphones that cost $400 because they don't have any wires?  (Oh, and if we could thought-bubble that "aren't I awesome" look on that smug face, we'd probably write something like "thank god for suckers with credit.")

Instead, this guy seems to be jumping on a bandwagon that is already pretty full, happy to be coming in on the 19th instead of ground floor.  I don't see how that gets you the huge office with the awesome view, but I'm no money expert.  Maybe the smug just comes free with the stupid facial hair?

Nowadays they have the added distraction of texting and watching recorded television on their DVRs

The kids in this ad are probably not glued to the latest version of Call of Duty.  But THEIR kids might be.

Oh frightened lady, you couldn't know that your husband and kids obsessing over blinking lights and beeps while fiddling with a joystick was only the beginning of a long road to Nothing.  I think you were better off.   The answer to your question is an unqualified "yes."

It seemed so innocent at the time....

I don't really remember how I felt when I saw this commercial waaaaay back in 1987.  Was it that this was just a stupid, expensive toy that some sucker who thought he had money to burn went to Radio Shack and bought just before the stock market crashed later that year?  Or was it that this was just a stupid, expensive toy that was SO expensive (I can't believe that Radio Shack calls it "affordable"- even in the high-flying 80s there's really nothing "affordable" about it- $2499 for a phone in 1987?  You could buy a brand-new Toyota for less than $10Gs that year.

Or maybe I just sighed and thought "oh look, another pampered, overprivileged upper middle-class white family with money to toss around on LookAtMeStuff."  I have to assume that the guy dressed as a construction worker is actually the owner of the building going up, or at least the foreman.  Because I know that the 80s were a mirage of prosperity, but I still don't recall construction workers having $4000+ to toss away at the local Radio Shack for totally unnecessary, clunky Walkie-Talkies with slightly better connectivity.

(BTW, what the heck is a "Radio Shack," anyway?

Just because it seemed so absurd.....

Your wireless bill is ready online!

Dear JOHN JAMELE, Your monthly wireless bill for canceled account (----------)  is now available online and is due04/13/2015. Note: Your online access is restricted and will be made available only for a limited time. Please log in and make your payment today. If you are enrolled in AutoPay, no further action is required. I know what you'e thinking- what are the benefits of a cancelled account?  Well, there really aren't any- but I just couldn't resist the awesome offer the woman at the AT&T store made if I Signed Up Right Now! Sure it includes no talk, no texting and no data plan- but you would not BELIEVE the price, and it only required a one-year committment!

What do I hate more than BMW Owners? Maybe BMW Owners with Grandmas?

1.  We've reached a new milestone in human achievement: cars which let us know when to turn by showing us maps on the windshield.  In other words, we've also reached a new milestone in pathetic human helplessness.

2.  It would be ok if this family was taking grandma out into the country to dump her off at a farm with an unsigned note attached to her shawl.  From their faces, I'd say they'd been through enough.

3.  A few YouTubers have actually noticed that this mean-spirited ad is a really, really mean-spirited ad.  Good for them- but I wonder why they expected anything better from the makers of the Self-Absorbed Douchemobile Not Named Audi or Lexus.

This Geico Commercial is not the worst part of this Geico Commercial

Think watching an obese 59-year old man attempting to relive his "glory days" as an overrated, flash-in-the-pan NFL player back in the late-80s by basically admitting that he's known for a stupid dance and not for any actual athletic skill is the saddest thing about this ad?

Boy, are you wrong.  Not even close.  Because if you go to YouTube and search "Geico Cold Cuts," you'll find that dozens of morons have posted themselves spoofing on this ad.  Little kids.  Senior Citizens.  One particularly vapid idiot who actually has a "friend" catch her act on an iPhone as she does it in a store filled with customers.

At least Mr. Woods was able to pick up a few extra dollars (he only played in the NFL for three years and has been retired for 25, so for all we know he may well need them) with his minstrel show-level antics.  The rest of these people with their Look At Me Do Stupid Stuff For Your Entertainment Because Someone Convinced Me I'm Worth Paying Attention To?  Beyond worthy of pity, but I've got plenty of contempt to share.