If this doesn't solve the overpopulation crisis, nothing will

Because there's absolutely no way any kid who ever grows up playing with one of these freakish things will ever, ever want to have actual children.

"Look, a magical charm!"  If you find yourself saying something like this when your Precious Gift From HeavenTM gives you a "Diaper Surprise," your soul is long gone and your brain cells have absorbed way too much Pine-Sol.  But hell, maybe you're better off.

Back to the drawing board, Wrigley's

In six years of doing this blog, I think this is the first time I've ever snarked on a gum commercial.  Mainly because I don't see a lot of gum commercials.  As little as advertisers have to say about anything, they seem to have even less to say about gum.

This ad is kind of a concession to that point- the people who made it have absolutely nothing to say about their product, but they apparently decided that every few decades they have to make a commercial featuring Juicy Fruit anyway.  Even if it makes no sense and features two disgusting old creeps doing things no adult male should ever do- chew sugary gum and make arm farts.  During their annual one-day visit to a gym.  In the middle of a locker room.  Like I said- makes no sense.

Passat's newest contribution to Commercial Fail

1.  "Go on, step on it!"  Yeah, because Passats come with a licence to speed, right?  Or are we supposed to believe that when you step on the gas in MOST cars, they don't speed up?  Seriously, what the hell?

2.  The first "pinch me" is creepy.  Is the driver in this ad trying to pick the passenger up?  I'm trying to imagine the reaction of any normal heterosexual guy in being asked by a male friend to "pinch him."  I don't see what happens here ever happens in real life- the friend actually obliges and pinches him.  Hmmm....

3.  The second "pinch me" is....um.....just weird, sorry.  This is all about a freaking Volkswagen, after all.  If the friend obliges again, well....good luck, fellows.  Hope it works out.

Idiots Without A Country?

There's not a whole lot to say about these Taco Bell "Breakfast Defector" commercials.  Apparently we've all been citizens of a country which requires us to eat eggs and sausage and cheese on biscuits wrapped in greasy paper served up on plastic trays at McDonald's, Burger King, etc- and we didn't even know it.

Yet it must be the case, because all of these ads feature people who call themselves "Breakfast Defectors"- they aren't "defectors" because they started eating their breakfasts at home, saving both money, calories and arteries.  Nope, they are "defectors" because now instead of eating disgusting junk served on a biscuit, they are eating disgusting junk served in a taco.  I'm not sure this means that they are still living in the United States- they seem to exist in a sepia tone universe in which only fatty, salty crap purchased at taco bell has any color- or in a country even more obsessed with empty calories and DVRing everything (Canada?)

Anyway, since I don't eat breakfast at McDonald's (just because things aren't going so great doesn't mean I'm going to actively engage in shortening my life) I guess I've been a defector for a long time.  Still not eating tacos for breakfast though.

Again, State Farm- what the hell did we ever do to you?

I guess the idea here is that a really stupid idea gets better with repetition.  Thought seeing a bad Elvis impersonator sing the State Farm jingle was really dumb and painful?  Well, how about three more times in the same ad?  Better now?

Like a good neighbor, State Farm was there when a drunk driver crashed into my car- then made me threaten legal action before finally giving me a decent settlement and paying for my physical therapy.  All is forgiven if you just stop it with these craptacular commercials and focus on the benefits of your insurance coverage.

In other words, stop treating us like morons you hate.  Please?

Dolmio's Pepper Hacker: Passive-Aggressiveness Squared

At first, this seems like kind of a cool idea- just shut off the electronic devices and MAKE the addicted jackasses you happen to share a home with interact with you.   But after a few viewings, this commercial became more disturbing than hopeful.  Here's why:

1.  Everyone in this ad except Mom is a drug addict.  The drug just happens to be what is laughingly referred to as "connectivity."  Why did mom let things get so bad?  Because mom's a spineless jellyfish when it comes to disciplining her kids?  If that's the case, why am I supposed to feel sorry for you, Mom?

2.  The kid who throws his phone to the floor in anger because he's mysteriously lost his signal- I don't care if that phone is broken or not.  This kid has a serious problem that isn't going to be addressed by cutting off the signal.  Again, this is drug addiction.  I wonder- if he were shown a video of himself acting like this, would he recognize his behavior as being irrational?  I also wonder- if that phone is broken, is Mommy going to rush him to the store to pick out a new one?

3.  The little kid who freaks out and throws a tantrum because he can't play with the tablet at the kitchen table- well, now we know where the phone-thrower came from.  In a few years that kid will be a mute, passive potato curled up in his room staring at a glowing screen 12 hours a day.  Because by then...

4.  How long is it going to be before one of those other people see this commercial and get rid of the Pepper Hacker?  Considering that their lives are spent "online," I give it an hour.  Then the shaker is myseriously broken or missing, and everyone can go back to ignoring that Older Female In The House Who Always Seems To Want Something.

5.  I'll finish up by going back to the general theme- if you aren't going to parent your kids, if you are going to let them do whatever they want including ignoring you, play with their idiot devices at the kitchen table (seriously, this makes me retch, why would any adult let their kids do this?) and throw tantrums when they are "disconnected," this Pepper Hacker thing is simply not going to solve your problem- that you are a wimpy, pathetic enabler who also happens to be scared to death of her kids.

There is simply no reason for ANY of this to be happening in a sane household.  Kids need structure and boundaries.  If you aren't going to give those precious gifts to your kids, please DON'T HAVE ANY.  Because these dullards are the kind of people I end up having to dodge during my walks, as they are too busy staring at their phones to devote more than a third of their attention to operating their deadly motor vehicles.  They are emotionally chained to their glowing boxes, and if you introduced them to Unlimited Talk, Text and Data before they were potty-trained, it's your fault and you need to stop whining and looking for ANOTHER electronic device to fix the problem YOU created.

You can never find a good Plantagenet when you need one...

All I can think of when I'm subjected to these celebrations of pointless, bland suburban idiocy featuring unshaven Upper Middle Class douchenozzles wasting their lives obsessing over their f--ing lawns is how much better off we all would have been if Edward had just razed Scotland to the ground, and then burned the ashes, 700 years ago like he wanted.

Sure it would have been a real tragedy for the people of the time, but we'd be spared the vacous bleating of this jagoff with his "quit yer lollygagging" crap, and people have to die of something anyway, after all.

I'm going to build a time machine, drop in on 1300 or so, and tell the English Royal Family to go all out and finish the job.  Don't stop at Sterling.  Posterity will thank you.