Chevy Presents: Soul-Sucking Sad

Never mind the first 17 seconds of this banal, insulting little nub of a car commercial, which features the done-to-death bs "focus group" which has been lured into sitting around a table (probably with nothing more than the promise of having a few seconds of face time on tv) to answer exactly one question by a Chevrolet Spokeschoad (I hope they at least served cookies.)  It's a pretty typical commercial for the genre- "hey, here are a lot of really cool things about this new car, guess what car company we are talking about?"  It's been used with coffee, pasta, frozen pizza, diet soda- why not cars?

No, don't worry about those first 17 seconds.  I suggest you skip right to the seriously depressing part of this commercial- when the Obviously Dead Inside woman responds to the fact that this car comes with internet connectivity you can carry with you with "that's the dream, to have WiFi in the car."

Um....I guess that's your dream, lady.  I really hope to god that it's no one else's.  In fact, I hope to god that you are just reading off a cue card and your "dream" doesn't REALLY include driving a car that allows you to stream movies as you travel from Point A to Point B.  Because if you are being sincere, well, seriously.....your dreams need some serious evaluating.

Maybe I'm overreacting a bit because I walk so much, and despite my blaze-orange backpack I know I have to be constantly on guard against stupid, distracted douchenozzle inattentive drivers.  At least two or three times a week I have to audibly remind some jackass behind the wheel staring at his/her phone that a human being who has the light is crossing in front of their car.  I'm not too excited at the idea of vehicles becoming moving theaters with continuous Facebook connectivity, even if it is some thoughtless moron's idea of "living the dream," sorry.

Subaru's Legacy is just one stupid ad after another

1.  Is this really "easier" than just fixing the toy car or buying a new one?  Driving around like an idiot, wasting a lot of gas, and risking a rollover or other accident rather than just telling the kid that he'll have to wait until his toy is fixed or can be replaced?

2.  How does the guy in the car know when to turn right or left- he can't possibly have any idea how his kid is manipulating the remote contro.  And if he's just doing it randomly, how does the kid get any satisfaction out of watching his dad act like a dangerous idiot with a real car?

3. What's the lesson being taught to the little kids in this commercial?  Is it

A)  Cars are toys, to be used in reckless, stupid ways on a whim?

B)  Driving like a lunatic is fun fun fun (so much fun, in fact, that it can make dad totally forget that his two small children are standing nearby?) or

C)  If you put on a really sad face, you can manipulate your dad into acting like a freaking puppet on a string to wipe that sad sad little face away?

If this doesn't solve the overpopulation crisis, nothing will

Because there's absolutely no way any kid who ever grows up playing with one of these freakish things will ever, ever want to have actual children.

"Look, a magical charm!"  If you find yourself saying something like this when your Precious Gift From HeavenTM gives you a "Diaper Surprise," your soul is long gone and your brain cells have absorbed way too much Pine-Sol.  But hell, maybe you're better off.

Back to the drawing board, Wrigley's

In six years of doing this blog, I think this is the first time I've ever snarked on a gum commercial.  Mainly because I don't see a lot of gum commercials.  As little as advertisers have to say about anything, they seem to have even less to say about gum.

This ad is kind of a concession to that point- the people who made it have absolutely nothing to say about their product, but they apparently decided that every few decades they have to make a commercial featuring Juicy Fruit anyway.  Even if it makes no sense and features two disgusting old creeps doing things no adult male should ever do- chew sugary gum and make arm farts.  During their annual one-day visit to a gym.  In the middle of a locker room.  Like I said- makes no sense.

Passat's newest contribution to Commercial Fail

1.  "Go on, step on it!"  Yeah, because Passats come with a licence to speed, right?  Or are we supposed to believe that when you step on the gas in MOST cars, they don't speed up?  Seriously, what the hell?

2.  The first "pinch me" is creepy.  Is the driver in this ad trying to pick the passenger up?  I'm trying to imagine the reaction of any normal heterosexual guy in being asked by a male friend to "pinch him."  I don't see what happens here ever happens in real life- the friend actually obliges and pinches him.  Hmmm....

3.  The second "pinch me" is....um.....just weird, sorry.  This is all about a freaking Volkswagen, after all.  If the friend obliges again, well....good luck, fellows.  Hope it works out.

Idiots Without A Country?

There's not a whole lot to say about these Taco Bell "Breakfast Defector" commercials.  Apparently we've all been citizens of a country which requires us to eat eggs and sausage and cheese on biscuits wrapped in greasy paper served up on plastic trays at McDonald's, Burger King, etc- and we didn't even know it.

Yet it must be the case, because all of these ads feature people who call themselves "Breakfast Defectors"- they aren't "defectors" because they started eating their breakfasts at home, saving both money, calories and arteries.  Nope, they are "defectors" because now instead of eating disgusting junk served on a biscuit, they are eating disgusting junk served in a taco.  I'm not sure this means that they are still living in the United States- they seem to exist in a sepia tone universe in which only fatty, salty crap purchased at taco bell has any color- or in a country even more obsessed with empty calories and DVRing everything (Canada?)

Anyway, since I don't eat breakfast at McDonald's (just because things aren't going so great doesn't mean I'm going to actively engage in shortening my life) I guess I've been a defector for a long time.  Still not eating tacos for breakfast though.

Again, State Farm- what the hell did we ever do to you?

I guess the idea here is that a really stupid idea gets better with repetition.  Thought seeing a bad Elvis impersonator sing the State Farm jingle was really dumb and painful?  Well, how about three more times in the same ad?  Better now?

Like a good neighbor, State Farm was there when a drunk driver crashed into my car- then made me threaten legal action before finally giving me a decent settlement and paying for my physical therapy.  All is forgiven if you just stop it with these craptacular commercials and focus on the benefits of your insurance coverage.

In other words, stop treating us like morons you hate.  Please?