Mila Kunis finds her level, or Jupiter Descending

What happens when you are one of the stars of a very popular sitcom for eight years- but that sitcom was cancelled nine years ago?

Well, maybe you do a few stupid camera commercials and star in a few stupid but otherwise harmless comedy and one really stupid, really bad time-travel movie.  But that only works if your name is Ashton Kutcher and you've obviously sold your soul to the devil.

If you're Mila Kunis, you try to cash in on the fact that you're really, really cute and after puttering around doing a few harmless but also profitless comedy-romances you find yourself starring in a big-budget sci-fi film because sometimes Hollywood just does really, really stupid things with it's money.

And if you're Mila Kunis and your big-budget sci fi movie is a disasterous flop which loses $170 million (so much for that three-sequel deal, huh Mila?) you wind up using your exceptionally easy on the eyes looks* to pitch whiskey.  Because hey, the rent's gotta be paid, a gig is a gig, and it doesn't look like the makers of That Seventies Show are planning a reunion movie any time soon.

*I mean, did you SEE Friends With Benefits or even Forgetting Sarah Marshall?  Jeeeeeshhh........

Re-Discover this really awful ad

I'm pretty sure I've written a post on this one already, but every time I see it, it just makes me angry.

If there were Oscars for Laziest, Most Insulting Commercial, this one would sweep the category, no question.  It has one joke and exactly one joke, it's not a very good joke, and it becomes a truly awful, pointless joke with repetition.  Nothing about it makes any sense at all- did the frogs in the ad eat this idiot's credit card?  Is he actually being attacked by frogs, and thinks that the proper response to being attacked by frogs is to call a credit card company (a credit card company whose popularity peaked in the 80s and whose cards are in pretty much nobody's wallet these days?)

(I mean, seriously- Discover?  They still make that card?)

And then, having told us the joke and repeated it, the commercial picks it up and wacks us over the head with it.  Because the people at Discover aren't satisfied with reminding us that yes, there is still this thing called the Discover Card which can still be used to make purchases just like real, popular credit cards we actually possess.  Nope- they have to let us know that their company is Every Bit As Vile as those real, popular cards.  Mission Accomplished, Discover.  Again.

On the other hand, I can totally see Red hiring Wendy's to cater her wedding

...in fact, I can't imagine her hiring anyone else for the job...

One of the many problems with this stupid ad is that two seconds in, we know exactly what we are going to be pitched.  This woman has become such a ubiquitous prescence on our tv screens, her image instantly conjures up Wendy's and it's fine menu of life-shortening Not Food products.

So when she slowly walks toward us wearing what I guess is supposed to be a wedding gown (I didn't get this until I saw the description on YouTube- I thought it was supposed to be just a white dress, or maybe taking each and every one of her meals at Wendy's finally caught up with her and she's now ascended into heaven at the tender age of 29.)  She's in a field because being stupid Americans when we see fields we think outside which means we think nature which means we think healthy which means we think Pretty Much Anything Except Wendy's.

Then we are supposed to be caught unawares when the dress drops and Red is wearing a dumpy maternity outfit and "explaining" to us idiots that hey, just because you want a salad instead of a bowl of greasy chili or an environment-and-artery-destroying hamburger or a chicken sandwich drowning in mayonaisse doesn't mean you shouldn't be heading off to Wendy's As Usual.  Because hey, we've got that too.

But it simply doesn't work because- again- we all know who this woman is and what she's selling.  She can't be used to trick us into thinking she's actually talking about healthy food any more than Flo can be used to sell us quality insurance that actually covers damages or the cute AT&T girl can be used to sell anything other than outrageously priced, totally unnecessary Data Plans Built For Four and never you mind that we aren't ALL married with two kids, dammit.

Another slice of the banal, courtesy of State Farm

1. If you didn't know how this commercial was going to end ten seconds in, well, either you aren't particularly bright or you haven't watched anywhere near as many commercials as I have (which kind of contradicts the first possibility.)

2.  If you care about this hipster eurotrash wannabee doofus with his prerequisite beard and flowing hair and office job, you're a far, far better person than I am.

3.  If you wonder where this guy is running to the hospital from (come on, he's either fleeing his house where he left the water on, or he abandoned his desk at work.  Not both)- hey, me too!  This makes no sense at all!

(And yes, if it's the pregnant woman who left the water on, that makes a bit more sense.  But it's still stupid.)

4.  If you are sick to death of bloodsucking insurance companies inundating us with BS "we care" commercials, join the club.  State Farm doesn't see a baby about to be born here.  State Farm sees a Dependent about to be added to this couple's insurance policy.  And dollar signs.  Period.

Chevy Boldly goes where too many car companies have already gone before

Car commercials which wedge actual family issues and life-altering events and everyday humdrum moments that everyone experiences whether or not they own a particular car are quite the rage these days, aren't they?

I have absolutely no idea what ANY of this has to do with being "bold," because there's nothing especially bold about being an empathic human being dealing with a kid going through all of the banal struggles involved in growing up.  I know this guy wants a statue and a parade if he can't actually get his profile carved into Mount Rushmore because He Was There for a daughter he willfully created, but what he really needs is a good kick in the ass and directions back to the No Awards For Doing What You Are Supposed To Do Corner- at least, in my humble opinion.

So please, Mr. Bold Dad Who Wants To Convince Us That He's His Daughter's Hero- get back into your Bold Camry and hit the road.  Because, seriously- you're so full of helium, you must put lead in your shoes to keep you from bumping up against the ozone layer.

And please, Bold Camry Commercial Makers- give this smarmy, twee Slice of Life crap a rest.  No one is impressed by your idea of what it means to be "bold."  You seem to think it means "perfectly ordinary."  Which, come to think of it, is a lot better description of your crappy round-peg-into-round-hole cars than "bold" will ever be.

This will all be coming out in therapy sessions down the road

Yeah, I get that this commercial is supposed to be all about the kid's fertile imagination, and how it leads him to imagine dangers where they really don't exist.

And yet, I can't help but notice that, again and again, this kid's idiot dad is in fact putting him in constant danger by driving way too fast on city streets, engaging in unsafe passing, etc.  While it's true that the car is not actually being attacked by trees or chased by bears, the kid's defensive mechanism- to imagine the hazards he's being subjected to because Daddy isn't being very responsible toward his Precious Bundle of JoyTM- is being triggered by something very, very real.  The kid is nervous because he gets that the guy behind the wheel- the same guy who just gave him a loving, "you are the most important person in the world to me" look before starting the car- is being reckless because hey the car will tell him if there's anything to worry about, right?

Chevy Presents: Soul-Sucking Sad

Never mind the first 17 seconds of this banal, insulting little nub of a car commercial, which features the done-to-death bs "focus group" which has been lured into sitting around a table (probably with nothing more than the promise of having a few seconds of face time on tv) to answer exactly one question by a Chevrolet Spokeschoad (I hope they at least served cookies.)  It's a pretty typical commercial for the genre- "hey, here are a lot of really cool things about this new car, guess what car company we are talking about?"  It's been used with coffee, pasta, frozen pizza, diet soda- why not cars?

No, don't worry about those first 17 seconds.  I suggest you skip right to the seriously depressing part of this commercial- when the Obviously Dead Inside woman responds to the fact that this car comes with internet connectivity you can carry with you with "that's the dream, to have WiFi in the car."

Um....I guess that's your dream, lady.  I really hope to god that it's no one else's.  In fact, I hope to god that you are just reading off a cue card and your "dream" doesn't REALLY include driving a car that allows you to stream movies as you travel from Point A to Point B.  Because if you are being sincere, well, seriously.....your dreams need some serious evaluating.

Maybe I'm overreacting a bit because I walk so much, and despite my blaze-orange backpack I know I have to be constantly on guard against stupid, distracted douchenozzle inattentive drivers.  At least two or three times a week I have to audibly remind some jackass behind the wheel staring at his/her phone that a human being who has the light is crossing in front of their car.  I'm not too excited at the idea of vehicles becoming moving theaters with continuous Facebook connectivity, even if it is some thoughtless moron's idea of "living the dream," sorry.