Meet Dale, the saddest tool in the Domino's box

I'm sorry, but there are very few ads out there that fill me with more bile than this one.  There is just so much wrong going on here, it's hard to figure out exactly where to start.  So I'll just plunge in--

Maybe Dale is actually proud of his ability to make boxes faster than anyone else on the Domino's payroll.  Hell, I'm sure that if you took a time machine back to 1790, you might actually be able to find a slave on some Virginia plantation proud at being the very fastest at picking out the cotton seeds by hand.  Guess what?  Doesn't make it worth celebrating.

That this middle-aged doofus is thrilled at his "celebrity" as the Most Famous Domino's Trained Seal (even that stupid, pointless laugh- what is he laughing at? The depressing absurdity that has become of his life?)  isn't heartwarming or interesting- it's just pathetic and diminishing and, well, gross.

That we know the only payoff this guy is going to get for all of his work is a pat on the head from some corporate tool making 800 times what Dale can expect IF he gets the hours he wants next year is predictable and expected.

And that this video will be shown to thousands of other Domino's drones as an "inspiring learning experience" which can be more accurately translated into "why can't you be more like this idiot?  Because if you don't make an attempt at emulating him, it's back to the unemployment office, prole.  Oh and BTW, you've used up your benefits."

Subaru's latest just made my brain snap

"When our little girl was born, we bought a Subaru...."

Ok, so when your little girl was born- in 2015- you bought a 2015 Subaru.  And then all of these banal little things happened in that 2015 Subaru- your little girl rode in the car seat, made a best friend (in carpool, or something, I suppose.  Whatever) and said goodbye when it was time to be dropped off at school.  You know, all that white bread boring crap that happens when people do the whole get married and buy Subarus and have kids and watch them grow up stuff.

Here are the two problems I simply can't get past-

1.  When the commercial ends, the Little Girl Who Grew Up In Your Subaru looks to be around 14 years old.   So is it the year 2029 in the ad?  Nothing looks particularly futuristic- the iPhone being used looks like the model you can buy right now- no holograms or anything.   Or did this saga start with a 2000 Subaru purchased when the little girl was born?  That doesn't make sense either, because Subaru didn't start producing this particular model until 2009.  Is the girl supposed to be six years old at the end of the commercial?  That doesn't work either- I know what six year old girls look and sound like, and this girl doesn't pull it off.  So what is really going on here?

2.  Whatever model this Subaru is, it's supposed to be 13-14 years old at the end of the commercial.  Yet, it's still showroom-condition gleaming.  Sorry, no.  Unless this MommyWife was taking it in for detailing every year, this is not what 13-14 year old cars which are actually used to do stuff look like.  There doesn't necessarily have to be dents and scratches- I did a great job keeping my car looking great for the first seven years I owned it (in the last two, it suddenly started to attract shopping carts, other car doors, stone walls and wood piles.)  But not this great.  That car at the end of this ad is brand new.  It hasn't even been driven to church on Sundays by a little old lady from Pasadena.  It sure as HELL hasn't been used in the Real Life of a MommyWife.

So again, Subaru- what is really going on here?  I know you were in a bit of a quandry when you made this ad, because you needed to come up with a pitch for a 2015 Subaru but wanted to continue your twee "love/life" campaign, but that doesn't mean you get to bend the laws of Time and Space to do it.  WTF?

Little Caesar's? "Legal" is not the same as "Right" or "Responsible..."

Yes, the bacon-wrapped pizza is legal.  But so is deep-fried butter, fried dough slavered with butter and sugar, and bacon and mayonaisse sandwiches held together with fried chicken instead of bread.

In other words, it's legal because this is the United States, Land of the Stupid-Fat, where Type 2 Diabeties has replaced baseball as the National Pasttime.  And where we woke up one day and decided that the average lifespan was getting just too damned high.

So don't worry, Mr. Stereotypical Southern Lawyer Who Aced the Boss Hogg audition and then was told that there would be no Dukes of Hazzard II after all.  Not only is no one going to be suing Little Caesar's, the only thing that- ahem- "restaurant" has to worry about is running out of the porcine fat needed to wrap around it's greasy white carb-and-cheese-topped-with-sugary tomato sludge pizzas. Build a tastier death trap, and the world will beat a path to your door.

Yeah, sorry, Jack Daniels

Yes, when it comes to forgetting, nothing beats a good glass of whiskey.  But there are several brands to choose from.  Any you know what?

I really don't care how much CGI fire you use in your commercials.  I don't care about what I guess is supposed to be high-energy music.  And the sexual imagery? Meh, whatever.

Want my business?  Get Mila Kunis to defect and do ads for you.  Because, sorry- this doesn't even come close.

Mila Kunis finds her level, or Jupiter Descending

What happens when you are one of the stars of a very popular sitcom for eight years- but that sitcom was cancelled nine years ago?

Well, maybe you do a few stupid camera commercials and star in a few stupid but otherwise harmless comedy and one really stupid, really bad time-travel movie.  But that only works if your name is Ashton Kutcher and you've obviously sold your soul to the devil.

If you're Mila Kunis, you try to cash in on the fact that you're really, really cute and after puttering around doing a few harmless but also profitless comedy-romances you find yourself starring in a big-budget sci-fi film because sometimes Hollywood just does really, really stupid things with it's money.

And if you're Mila Kunis and your big-budget sci fi movie is a disasterous flop which loses $170 million (so much for that three-sequel deal, huh Mila?) you wind up using your exceptionally easy on the eyes looks* to pitch whiskey.  Because hey, the rent's gotta be paid, a gig is a gig, and it doesn't look like the makers of That Seventies Show are planning a reunion movie any time soon.

*I mean, did you SEE Friends With Benefits or even Forgetting Sarah Marshall?  Jeeeeeshhh........

Re-Discover this really awful ad

I'm pretty sure I've written a post on this one already, but every time I see it, it just makes me angry.

If there were Oscars for Laziest, Most Insulting Commercial, this one would sweep the category, no question.  It has one joke and exactly one joke, it's not a very good joke, and it becomes a truly awful, pointless joke with repetition.  Nothing about it makes any sense at all- did the frogs in the ad eat this idiot's credit card?  Is he actually being attacked by frogs, and thinks that the proper response to being attacked by frogs is to call a credit card company (a credit card company whose popularity peaked in the 80s and whose cards are in pretty much nobody's wallet these days?)

(I mean, seriously- Discover?  They still make that card?)

And then, having told us the joke and repeated it, the commercial picks it up and wacks us over the head with it.  Because the people at Discover aren't satisfied with reminding us that yes, there is still this thing called the Discover Card which can still be used to make purchases just like real, popular credit cards we actually possess.  Nope- they have to let us know that their company is Every Bit As Vile as those real, popular cards.  Mission Accomplished, Discover.  Again.

On the other hand, I can totally see Red hiring Wendy's to cater her wedding

...in fact, I can't imagine her hiring anyone else for the job...

One of the many problems with this stupid ad is that two seconds in, we know exactly what we are going to be pitched.  This woman has become such a ubiquitous prescence on our tv screens, her image instantly conjures up Wendy's and it's fine menu of life-shortening Not Food products.

So when she slowly walks toward us wearing what I guess is supposed to be a wedding gown (I didn't get this until I saw the description on YouTube- I thought it was supposed to be just a white dress, or maybe taking each and every one of her meals at Wendy's finally caught up with her and she's now ascended into heaven at the tender age of 29.)  She's in a field because being stupid Americans when we see fields we think outside which means we think nature which means we think healthy which means we think Pretty Much Anything Except Wendy's.

Then we are supposed to be caught unawares when the dress drops and Red is wearing a dumpy maternity outfit and "explaining" to us idiots that hey, just because you want a salad instead of a bowl of greasy chili or an environment-and-artery-destroying hamburger or a chicken sandwich drowning in mayonaisse doesn't mean you shouldn't be heading off to Wendy's As Usual.  Because hey, we've got that too.

But it simply doesn't work because- again- we all know who this woman is and what she's selling.  She can't be used to trick us into thinking she's actually talking about healthy food any more than Flo can be used to sell us quality insurance that actually covers damages or the cute AT&T girl can be used to sell anything other than outrageously priced, totally unnecessary Data Plans Built For Four and never you mind that we aren't ALL married with two kids, dammit.