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"Ok, guys, I'm off on vacation!  See you when I get back!"

"Hey Flo, before you take off, could you just do one commercial for us?  You know, just to tie us over?"

"Come on, guys, my plane isn't going to wait for me.."

"It'll only take a moment.  Just hold your old pricing gun, stand next to this cake pan, and say something like 'it's a piece of cake' and then say something about wanting a piece of cake."

"Um, seriously?  We're that out of ideas?"

"You said you were in a hurry.  Just bleat the stupid line please.  We can do this in one take, honestly."

Yeah, this is a company I'm going to trust with my insurance.  Sure it is.

Mindy's got Nationwide Issues

1.  The idea that a good-looking woman could be invisible is more than a little absurd on its face.  And this woman is good-looking.  Her personality?  Revolting.  Her looks?  Not an issue at all.

1(a) could it be that Mindy has been "invisible" because her chip-on-her-shoulder personality is so caustic, a lot of people just try to screen her out and pretend she isn't there?  You know, as kind of a defensive measure?

2.  Try to imagine this commercial with a man in the title role.  Can't, can you?  Maybe that's because it's still acceptable to show women doing things like gorging on ice cream and getting bent out of shape at the idea of being ignored and even touching someone without asking first.  But if this commercial featured a man touching a female stranger and then copping an attitude when called on it- nope, sorry.  Can't see that happening.

Nature Valley: your new home for easily-digestable, manipulative tripe

Ugh, really?  So, Nature Valley- you decided to right out and prove that you have absolutely no shame at all?

On the other hand- if you want to convince yourself to eat this junk, being blind is probably an advantage.

As for the rest of this drivel- well, to be perfectly honest, I didn't watch past the first ten seconds.  That was enough saccharine to last me at least a month.  The only thing worse are the YouTube comments that follow.  Like I said- Ugh .

Meet Dale, the saddest tool in the Domino's box

I'm sorry, but there are very few ads out there that fill me with more bile than this one.  There is just so much wrong going on here, it's hard to figure out exactly where to start.  So I'll just plunge in--

Maybe Dale is actually proud of his ability to make boxes faster than anyone else on the Domino's payroll.  Hell, I'm sure that if you took a time machine back to 1790, you might actually be able to find a slave on some Virginia plantation proud at being the very fastest at picking out the cotton seeds by hand.  Guess what?  Doesn't make it worth celebrating.

That this middle-aged doofus is thrilled at his "celebrity" as the Most Famous Domino's Trained Seal (even that stupid, pointless laugh- what is he laughing at? The depressing absurdity that has become of his life?)  isn't heartwarming or interesting- it's just pathetic and diminishing and, well, gross.

That we know the only payoff this guy is going to get for all of his work is a pat on the head from some corporate tool making 800 times what Dale can expect IF he gets the hours he wants next year is predictable and expected.

And that this video will be shown to thousands of other Domino's drones as an "inspiring learning experience" which can be more accurately translated into "why can't you be more like this idiot?  Because if you don't make an attempt at emulating him, it's back to the unemployment office, prole.  Oh and BTW, you've used up your benefits."

Subaru's latest just made my brain snap

"When our little girl was born, we bought a Subaru...."

Ok, so when your little girl was born- in 2015- you bought a 2015 Subaru.  And then all of these banal little things happened in that 2015 Subaru- your little girl rode in the car seat, made a best friend (in carpool, or something, I suppose.  Whatever) and said goodbye when it was time to be dropped off at school.  You know, all that white bread boring crap that happens when people do the whole get married and buy Subarus and have kids and watch them grow up stuff.

Here are the two problems I simply can't get past-

1.  When the commercial ends, the Little Girl Who Grew Up In Your Subaru looks to be around 14 years old.   So is it the year 2029 in the ad?  Nothing looks particularly futuristic- the iPhone being used looks like the model you can buy right now- no holograms or anything.   Or did this saga start with a 2000 Subaru purchased when the little girl was born?  That doesn't make sense either, because Subaru didn't start producing this particular model until 2009.  Is the girl supposed to be six years old at the end of the commercial?  That doesn't work either- I know what six year old girls look and sound like, and this girl doesn't pull it off.  So what is really going on here?

2.  Whatever model this Subaru is, it's supposed to be 13-14 years old at the end of the commercial.  Yet, it's still showroom-condition gleaming.  Sorry, no.  Unless this MommyWife was taking it in for detailing every year, this is not what 13-14 year old cars which are actually used to do stuff look like.  There doesn't necessarily have to be dents and scratches- I did a great job keeping my car looking great for the first seven years I owned it (in the last two, it suddenly started to attract shopping carts, other car doors, stone walls and wood piles.)  But not this great.  That car at the end of this ad is brand new.  It hasn't even been driven to church on Sundays by a little old lady from Pasadena.  It sure as HELL hasn't been used in the Real Life of a MommyWife.

So again, Subaru- what is really going on here?  I know you were in a bit of a quandry when you made this ad, because you needed to come up with a pitch for a 2015 Subaru but wanted to continue your twee "love/life" campaign, but that doesn't mean you get to bend the laws of Time and Space to do it.  WTF?

Little Caesar's? "Legal" is not the same as "Right" or "Responsible..."

Yes, the bacon-wrapped pizza is legal.  But so is deep-fried butter, fried dough slavered with butter and sugar, and bacon and mayonaisse sandwiches held together with fried chicken instead of bread.

In other words, it's legal because this is the United States, Land of the Stupid-Fat, where Type 2 Diabeties has replaced baseball as the National Pasttime.  And where we woke up one day and decided that the average lifespan was getting just too damned high.

So don't worry, Mr. Stereotypical Southern Lawyer Who Aced the Boss Hogg audition and then was told that there would be no Dukes of Hazzard II after all.  Not only is no one going to be suing Little Caesar's, the only thing that- ahem- "restaurant" has to worry about is running out of the porcine fat needed to wrap around it's greasy white carb-and-cheese-topped-with-sugary tomato sludge pizzas. Build a tastier death trap, and the world will beat a path to your door.

Yeah, sorry, Jack Daniels

Yes, when it comes to forgetting, nothing beats a good glass of whiskey.  But there are several brands to choose from.  Any you know what?

I really don't care how much CGI fire you use in your commercials.  I don't care about what I guess is supposed to be high-energy music.  And the sexual imagery? Meh, whatever.

Want my business?  Get Mila Kunis to defect and do ads for you.  Because, sorry- this doesn't even come close.