The Living Dead: Suburban Loser Edition

Because if you find yourself living in the suburbs and taking the care of your lawn so seriously that you are "concerned' because a neighbor is feeding his for a second time in the same year, you really need a hobby.

And if you get excited at the prospect of feeding your own lawn for a second time- never mind the hobby.  It's too late.  Your life ended quite some time ago, and you died.  In the immortal words of Tom Hanks in Joe v. The Volcano, "let's arrange the funeral."  All that's left is to pick a corner of your beautiful green lawn to bury your worthless corpse under.

Here's the good news for your family- this guy will be on hand with tips on how to get rid of the ugly brown spot you left in less time than they could have imagined possible.

Why didn't I choose advertising as a career?

I remember watching Bewitched when I was a kid and thinking that Darrin Stevens had it pretty good- nice big house in the suburbs, beautiful wife, etc., and a lifestyle financed by a job which required nothing more than his ability to come up with a stupid, obvious jingle or catch phrase every so often.  I remember thinking "hey, I could do that!"

(I also remember thinking "geesh, Darrin spends a lot of time lying on that couch."  I didn't know about Dick York's severe back issues at the time.  But anyway....)

The message was reinforced later with movies like Mr. Mom-- want a salary that can support an entire family in suburban luxury?  It's no trick- all you need is the imagination of a prairie dog.  Anyone can do this- why not me?

For some reason, however, I never followed through- which is why I can't claim credit for this really, really stupid waste of 30 seconds which I guess is supposed to convince us that 1) we should go to Subway and spend money there right now, and 2) "hey, isn't it fun to say Guacamole?  The only thing more fun than saying Guacamole is watching total strangers say Guacamole, don't ya think?"

Hey, Subway?  I apologize for ever making fun of your "Five Dollar Foot Longs" campaign.  Could you bring that back, please?  Because this ad just reminds me of what Might Have Been if I had decided to choose another path and become one of your Idiots in Gray Flannel Suits.  Like Dick York.  Or Dick Sargent.  Or Terri Garr.  Or whoever.

Oh STFU, Sherman Williams

Oh yes, you are the Hero of the Household  (or, more to the point, Hero of the Vast, Cavernous Mansion that guy you sold yourself to provided in exchange for regular meals, free sex, a clean house and heirs arriving every couple of years.)  You got that label by never, ever complaining about being asked to do all that cooking and cleaning and copulating and reproducing even when Hubby sprung the "hey, as long as you are just at home all day Doing Nothing While I Earn The Paycheck, why can't you do the painting, too?"

Except, I simply cannot use the word "hero" to describe you, MommyWife.  Because you bought in to all this.  Nothing stopped you from building your own life and career, buying your own house, and then painting it any color you wanted during otherwise leisurely weekends with the boyfriend or girlfriend or just on your own, without juggling all that other crap that Sherman-Williams seems to think qualify as "heroic."  In fact, I'll come right out and say that I'm more comfortable calling you a simpering little coward who sold her life for the easy route as handmaiden to a guy and chief cook and bottle washer to kids.

Congratulations for the massive house.  No medal, though- we reserve those for actual Heroes.

Nissan's Repulsive New Ad Campaign

I'll ask my readers to pick an appropriate label for Nissan's "let's try to convince people that Nissans are fun to drive by showing slack-jawed morons screaming their fool heads off" campaign.  Here are a few taglines that come to mind that are more appropriate than the "Nissan=Excitement" crap the ad men seem to have settled on:

1.  If you drive it on a racetrack, even a Nissan can seem fun to drive!

2.  Look what we can get attention-starved jackasses to do by promising them a few seconds of face time on TV!

3.  Think we can't show this ad 400 times over the space of a single ball game?*  Sounds like a challenge, and at Nissan, we love a challenge that doesn't involve building a car you'd really want to drive!

4.  Does hearing people yell like drunken hicks make you want to buy a Nissan?  Great!

Here's the bottom line for me- if you drive a car equipped with Nascar-approved restraints and other safety features on a race track with no speed limit, it really doesn't matter what kind of car it is, it's going to be a lot more fun than sitting in traffic on the way from picking Suzie up from swim practice.  We've already seen ads featuring cars jumping cliffs and skyscrapers and flying down ski slopes and doing all kinds of things that no one will ever actually do with any car once it's driven off the lot.  Driving is not fun- that's why every car company is in a race to provide as many electronic distractions designed to help you forget that you are in your car as possible.   Driving a Nissan?  Even less fun than driving most cars.  Because- hey, it's a freaking Nissan.  You can't even say the name of the company without yawning.

*No kidding.  If you wanted to watch tonight's Orioles-Angels game, you were going to have to listen to this freaking monstrosity of a commercial during Every. Single. Break.  Often more than once.  Thanks, Nissan, for making me turn off the TV and listen to the game on the radio.  XM/Sirius should send you a thank you, too.  And MASN?  Fire the guy who saved himself time by agreeing to book this ad for HUNDREDS of plays during the game.  Please.

Why would you buy cat food from people who hate cats?

It isn't just Iams.  Pretty much every pet food company which has ever made a tv or radio commercial advertising its product has slapped human voices on animals, and they all have one thing in common: they all portray cats, dogs etc. as being spoiled-rotten jerkwads who live to demand food from their human slaves and are snarky, selfish and downright dickish in doing it (if this cat wants meat so badly, why doesn't it get off it's furry ass and catch a freaking mouse like it's supposed to? )

Seriously- when was the last time you saw a commercial in which a cat or dog "thought" something kind or polite or grateful?

If our pets actually could express themselves with human words and used the ones advertising execs insist on giving them, I think most of us would give them their walking papers and tell them to hit the freaking road.  Kids are bad enough- who the hell would want to live with one of these nasty things?*

*I have to admit, I haven't understood the attraction to pet ownership thing since my dog died when I was fourteen.  If you own a dog where I live, you have to get them hundreds of dollars worth of shots and they are still going to get sick and die after costing you a small fortune to keep them well.  When you take them for walks you have to carry a plastic bag to pick up their leavings (and to all you people who use transparent bags for this purpose- seriously, what is with you people?  Are you all colonists from planet douchenozzle, or what?)  Cats use a lovely little box which stinks up whatever room it's in and must be cleaned out regularly.  I just don't get this at all.

Hey, Subaru? We can wait, too

Specifically, we can wait for the kids in this commercial to grow up to be impatient, self-absorbed, entitled knobs who think that the rules of the road simply shouldn't apply to them because after all, they were only gone five minutes and are in a hurry and where does everyone else get off being on THEIR road, anyway?

Hey, maybe a few of these kids will even grow up to say "to hell with it" when it comes to getting stuck in traffic jams, being handed parking tickets, etc. and just learn the bus schedules or (gasp) just WALK to places within a reasonable distance.  Not only will they avoid the joys of car ownership demonstrated here, but they might just find themselves wealthier and healthier because they aren't spending so much time sliding their well-fed asses into padded seats and then basically being immobile as the car does all the work.

Assuming that doesn't happen and these twerps grow up to be proud owners of gas-guzzling, environment-raping money vampires just like Dear Old Dad, well, like I just said- we can wait.  Enjoy your toy car and exercise and fresh air while you can, kids.  For some reason I can't explain, you'll be giving it all up for an expensive, showy pile of tin, fiberglass and electronics soon enough.

"Stop messing with the insane Toyota lady!"

"You know her brain is so fried on Uppers that she'll talk to anything that gets within three feet of her desk!"

In this commercial, Toyota finally admits that Jan is a loopy basket case who might as well have a pull string attached to her back.  I'm not sure why a toy drone was used in this ad- a squirrel wandering in to the showroom would have worked just as well.  Oh, but that would have deprived us of the Obnoxious, Ugly Kid Motif.  We would have managed, Toyota.

I think Jan should be introduced to Red.  Jan could bleat the virtues of Toyota's latest Can't Miss Sales Event, and Red could reply by reciting the Wendy's menu and expressing amazement that anyone would ever eat anywhere else, ever.  Those loons totally deserve adjoining cells in whatever asylum worn-out spokeschoads end up in when their companies finally realize (usually two or three years after their audience) that no one thinks that they are funny, interesting or persuasive anymore.

(BTW, I can't help but hope that toy drone ends up scratching an unsold car or causing an injury to some customer who innocently walked into Toyota expecting to be able to look at automobiles without being victimized by yet another parent-deprived little brat.  Because- enough, already.  Hire a babysitter and leave your spawn at home, or take away the potentially destructive toy for a few minutes while you're in the building.  You know, like PARENTS would do.)