And the summer hasn't even started yet....Nissan should pair with Advil.....

This ad is running FOUR TIMES between each inning during tonight's O's-Phillies game- back to back, then a break for another commercial not quite as obnoxious, then back to back again.  Seriously, we need to reconvene the Nuremburg judges, because this has got to be a war crime.

God I hate you, Nissan.  Are you really going to pound this moron hick's screeching into my brain until Labor Day?  Do you really hate me that much?

While most of the world is starving....

1.  We Americans are being told that our lives will simply not be complete until we gorge ourselves with a genuine "third-pounder sirloin burger" from the place everyone thinks of when they really want a good piece of sirloin, McDonalds.

2.  It's almost sad to think how many Americans are really going to buy the line that if they miss out on this limited opportunity to consume twice as much fat in one sitting than the average human eats in three days, they might never know what a good peice of sirloin tastes like.  Like McDonalds is actually selling high-grade cow on a bun here.  Let me assure you, people in the audience, that unless you think McDonalds is providing "good seafood" with it's Fish Filet And Mayonaisse sandwiches and "good poultry" with it's Chicken and Mayonaisse atrocities, you can skip right over this deal and not miss good sirloin.  Just trust me on this, ok?

Hyundai Asks "Remember When?"

As in, "Remember when you actually had to think for yourself instead of letting your car do your thinking for you?"

Or "Remember when becoming an adult meant accepting responsibilities and not being a child who couldn't be expected to do a lot on their own?"

Or "Remember when the simplest things in the world might be minor inconveniences, but they were things you put up with because after all, life is not perfect and you are capable of dealing with them?"

Remember all that?  It was yesterday.  Before Hyundai and every other car company on the planet decided that it's customers weren't pampered enough and were in the market for automobiles that treated them like oversized infants and did everything but wipe their buttoms and their noses for them.  I kind of miss those days.  Does anyone else?

The most condescending online dating service ad ever

Intrusive, judgemental jackass:  "Are you single?"

Innocent bystander looks sheepish- "yes, yes I am...."

Intrusive, judgemental jackass:  "Have you ever tried Match?"

Innocent bystander who is easily manipulated into thinking that Being Single Is Just Plain Wrong:  "No, I haven't, actually....."

Obvious message: "Ohhhh, you poor lonely baby. Can't find anyone by conventional means, huh? Well, there's hope even for you, believe it or not."

My reply to the IJJ:  "Why do you assume that I'm not single by choice?  Why do you assume that everyone who doesn't have someone really significant in their life Right This Very Minute is somehow an abnormal, introverted loser who is desperate to be hooked up?  Who the hell gave you permission to evaluate the life of a total stranger on the street?"

I once had a conversation with a person who said that her "mission" was to pull a shy person she knew "out of his shell."  The exact words she used were "I'm going to save him."  I'm not going to repeat the entirety of the rant that followed, but I let her know that hey, guess what, "Extrovert" doesn't mean "Superior," and "Introvert" (a term invented by Extroverts) does not mean "Inferior."  Quiet people who don't care for crowds or loud places or late nights drinking aren't patients waiting to be cured by their Betters, ok?

The IJJ in this ad needs to have that mike shoved into his nether regions.

Dairy Queen and Jurassic World: Really Stupid Together

Ah, the Lazy Cross-Promotion.  It's the drum solo of advertising- pointless, time-wasting, mind-numbingly dumb.

Sometimes, cross-promoting makes a little sense.  Like using the characters from Marley and Me to sell dog food (even if that ad required bringing the main character back to life.)  Usually they are astounding nonsequitors which leave us wondering "what the heck were they thinking?"

(One of my favorites which fell into the latter category involved the Lorax selling Denny's breakfast specials- including sausage links.  Um, no.)

In this ad, Jurrasic World is real and it has actual customers and Dairy Queen has purchased a rental license to operate a restaurant inside it. Ok.  But the movie is apparently taking place within the commercial, because the dinosaurs are attacking and people are being killed throughout the park- except inside Dairy Queen, where it's business as usual.  Um.....ok.  And the response of customers to the fact that the people outside are being eaten is....well, good thing we are in here, where the dinosaurs can't get us (because the windows are dinosaur-proof, I guess.)  If they are eating dinner, I guess they'll want to look at the dessert menu after all, because it might take a while for the dinos outside to finish killing off everyone else and eating them.  Might as well just keep consuming Dairy Queen's version of sort-of-food and die at a more leisurely pace.

Ugh, WTF-ever.  I was actually probably going to see this film (even though the two sequels were beyond horrible) until another trailer clued me in to the fact that it was going to feature at least one annoying kid whose safety I was going to be expected to be concerned about.  Deal's off.  As for Dairy Queen- well, I'm not under thirteen, and I don't have a death wish, so why on Earth would I go to Dairy Queen?

The Wells-Fargo Ad that has bigoted morons freaking out

Every once in a while I have to comment on a commercial I like.  This is one of those times.

I like it first of all because of the message- yes, Couple doesn't mean what it used to, and there is absolutely, positively nothing wrong with that.  The deaf child in this ad is about to get two loving parents, and she's quite naturally thrilled with the idea.  So am I.  Very cool.

I also like it because of the impact it's had on Franklin Graham, heir to his father's Empire of Hot Air which has capitivated an army of slack-jawed, drooling alleged adults for almost seventy years now with it's promotion of fairy tales featuring more magic, spells and monsters than all of the Harry Potter books put together.

You see, when Franklin Graham heard about this ad, he went ballistic on Facebook (oddly, Franklin doesn't think that Facebook is a tool of the devil- my guess is that his accountants have explained to him that while there's a lot of "immorality" and "sin" in Social Media, there's also a hell of a lot of money, too, so....) and announced that he would be moving his ill-gotten fortune built on the backs of ignorant, frightened rubes from Wells Fargo to BB&T Bank.  Take that, Wells Fargo!  That will teach you to promote Understanding and Diversity instead of sticking to what Graham found perfectly acceptable- taking advantage of prospective college students and home owners with high interest-rate loans financed by a 2008 government bailout!

"Problem" is, BB&T bank isn't exactly what Graham would consider a "right-minded" bank when it comes to homosexual rights (I refuse to use the term LGBT Rights- that's a phrase allegedly high-minded Liberals like to throw around to lump anyone who isn't "straight" into a single group for their own convenience.)  Specifically, BB&T Bank has been a regular sponsor of the Florida Gay Pride parade, and even once financed the building of a chapel in one of it's banks so that two gay employees would have a place to marry.  Oops, sorry, Mr. Graham.

Here's my suggestion, you wizened old Jackass Who Has Never Held An Honest Job In His Life Yet Is Richer Than The God He Claims To Worship- stick your money in a large number of coffee cans and bury them in the back yard.  Or just spend it on charitable pursuits (you know, like you claim to be doing when you aren't flying around the world in your own jet or relaxing in one of the mansions you built to "reflect God's glory.")  Of course, I don't expect for one minute that you'll adopt one of these suggestions, because hey, money is money.  Much more likely that you'll find a bank that isn't Openly Non-Hating and try not to notice that it doesn't quite share your medieval bigotry.  Because being a Hater for Profit only works if you're willing to keep your eye on the Profit part.

State Farm Fails Again

1.  The punchline of this ad should actually be "I'm never giving up the Unshaven Slob Look," because that's the only thing this guy is consistent about.

2.  Would a woman really tell her husband "I'm pregnant" as an "Oh by the way" aside while carrying laundry upstairs?  She acts as if she knows her hubby will see this as bad news and wants to get it out there and run away before he can respond.  That's pretty depressing, when you think about it.

3.  Logically, doesn't the guy's last line mean that he IS going to let go of this family?  That's even MORE depressing.

4.  Can I relate to any of this?  Absolutely not.  Manchild ogles women and thinks "oh yeah, I love the bachelor life, I'm just going to jump random, half-drunk women I meet at parties, I'm never getting married!  Then he gets married and moves from a $2000 per month apartment to a million-dollar house in the suburbs and buys the prerequisite $40,000 SUV.  In other words, he turns out to be a square peg that fit firmly into the square hole created and adjusted only slightly since roughly 1946.  WTF-ever, State Farm.