McDonalds, the...umm... "Realm of Happiness."

You know why McDonalds started putting "Playlands" in their "restaurants?" It's the same reason they've been putting toys in Happy Meals for the past several decades- to imprint on young minds the idea that McDonalds=Fun.  It's just another take on the concept of "Comfort Food"- when we become adults, we are more likely to associate McDonalds with happiness, without even really knowing why.  So when we are sad, moody, out-of-sorts, bitter, etc.-- in other words, Being Adults-- we will gravitate to the place that, for some reason we don't quite grasp, will make us reasonably ok with our lives, at least for a few minutes.

This commercial seems to be tossing the facade into the waste basket and blatantly exposing what is supposed to be this trade secret- yep, here it is, folks- McDonalds is sold to very little children as a magical land of fairies and fun and if you allow this place to be associated with All That Is Good And Comforting In The World, they'll grow up seeing it as a sanctuary from the Real World.  This poor little girl- who seems to have OD'd on something, BTW- sees nothing but joy in a trip to the Land of Greasy Junk that can be purchased with the change found under the car seat.  Mission Accomplished, McDonalds- here's another kid who is going to grow up eating your crap and not even knowing why, unless as an adult she sees this ad.  And by then it will be too late, of course.

There are two parts of this ad I'm not even going to deal with, because- just too weird even for me.  One is the Bluto character staring down at this little girl.  I don't know what that's all about, and I don't think I want to.  The other is the kid with the blue balloon- I don't know what he's doing, and I don't care.  I will say that if kids are doing these things at my local McDonalds (there are about thirty of them, actually) it's yet another good reason to stay away.

Oh, and the kid who whips the straw out of his drink because he's decided it's a sword (I guess)- well, whatever.  Kids will do stupid things like that, and make messes in the process, because parents aren't going to parent when they bring their kids to McDonalds.  If they were interested in parenting, they wouldn't bring their kids to McDonalds, after all....

Thank you, Listerine...

For at least sparing us the sight of this douchenozzle yacht owner actually spitting over the rail of his douchenozzle yacht.  That's something, at least.

As for the rest- I don't see how this is an advertisement tha is supposed to make me want to use Listerine, as it's being sold as a chemical so powerful that it will cause my mouth to explode and will actually rip the barnacles off my yacht, assuming I'm ever a one-percenter and can actually afford to own one.  I want to put this stuff in my mouth because......otherwise I might have slightly offensive breath?  Really?  So what's this guy's excuse- he's completely by himself here.  He's using an incredibly harsh chemical to impress his boat, or what?

And the summer hasn't even started yet....Nissan should pair with Advil.....

This ad is running FOUR TIMES between each inning during tonight's O's-Phillies game- back to back, then a break for another commercial not quite as obnoxious, then back to back again.  Seriously, we need to reconvene the Nuremburg judges, because this has got to be a war crime.

God I hate you, Nissan.  Are you really going to pound this moron hick's screeching into my brain until Labor Day?  Do you really hate me that much?

While most of the world is starving....

1.  We Americans are being told that our lives will simply not be complete until we gorge ourselves with a genuine "third-pounder sirloin burger" from the place everyone thinks of when they really want a good piece of sirloin, McDonalds.

2.  It's almost sad to think how many Americans are really going to buy the line that if they miss out on this limited opportunity to consume twice as much fat in one sitting than the average human eats in three days, they might never know what a good peice of sirloin tastes like.  Like McDonalds is actually selling high-grade cow on a bun here.  Let me assure you, people in the audience, that unless you think McDonalds is providing "good seafood" with it's Fish Filet And Mayonaisse sandwiches and "good poultry" with it's Chicken and Mayonaisse atrocities, you can skip right over this deal and not miss good sirloin.  Just trust me on this, ok?

Hyundai Asks "Remember When?"

As in, "Remember when you actually had to think for yourself instead of letting your car do your thinking for you?"

Or "Remember when becoming an adult meant accepting responsibilities and not being a child who couldn't be expected to do a lot on their own?"

Or "Remember when the simplest things in the world might be minor inconveniences, but they were things you put up with because after all, life is not perfect and you are capable of dealing with them?"

Remember all that?  It was yesterday.  Before Hyundai and every other car company on the planet decided that it's customers weren't pampered enough and were in the market for automobiles that treated them like oversized infants and did everything but wipe their buttoms and their noses for them.  I kind of miss those days.  Does anyone else?

The most condescending online dating service ad ever

Intrusive, judgemental jackass:  "Are you single?"

Innocent bystander looks sheepish- "yes, yes I am...."

Intrusive, judgemental jackass:  "Have you ever tried Match?"

Innocent bystander who is easily manipulated into thinking that Being Single Is Just Plain Wrong:  "No, I haven't, actually....."

Obvious message: "Ohhhh, you poor lonely baby. Can't find anyone by conventional means, huh? Well, there's hope even for you, believe it or not."

My reply to the IJJ:  "Why do you assume that I'm not single by choice?  Why do you assume that everyone who doesn't have someone really significant in their life Right This Very Minute is somehow an abnormal, introverted loser who is desperate to be hooked up?  Who the hell gave you permission to evaluate the life of a total stranger on the street?"

I once had a conversation with a person who said that her "mission" was to pull a shy person she knew "out of his shell."  The exact words she used were "I'm going to save him."  I'm not going to repeat the entirety of the rant that followed, but I let her know that hey, guess what, "Extrovert" doesn't mean "Superior," and "Introvert" (a term invented by Extroverts) does not mean "Inferior."  Quiet people who don't care for crowds or loud places or late nights drinking aren't patients waiting to be cured by their Betters, ok?

The IJJ in this ad needs to have that mike shoved into his nether regions.

Dairy Queen and Jurassic World: Really Stupid Together

Ah, the Lazy Cross-Promotion.  It's the drum solo of advertising- pointless, time-wasting, mind-numbingly dumb.

Sometimes, cross-promoting makes a little sense.  Like using the characters from Marley and Me to sell dog food (even if that ad required bringing the main character back to life.)  Usually they are astounding nonsequitors which leave us wondering "what the heck were they thinking?"

(One of my favorites which fell into the latter category involved the Lorax selling Denny's breakfast specials- including sausage links.  Um, no.)

In this ad, Jurrasic World is real and it has actual customers and Dairy Queen has purchased a rental license to operate a restaurant inside it. Ok.  But the movie is apparently taking place within the commercial, because the dinosaurs are attacking and people are being killed throughout the park- except inside Dairy Queen, where it's business as usual.  Um.....ok.  And the response of customers to the fact that the people outside are being eaten is....well, good thing we are in here, where the dinosaurs can't get us (because the windows are dinosaur-proof, I guess.)  If they are eating dinner, I guess they'll want to look at the dessert menu after all, because it might take a while for the dinos outside to finish killing off everyone else and eating them.  Might as well just keep consuming Dairy Queen's version of sort-of-food and die at a more leisurely pace.

Ugh, WTF-ever.  I was actually probably going to see this film (even though the two sequels were beyond horrible) until another trailer clued me in to the fact that it was going to feature at least one annoying kid whose safety I was going to be expected to be concerned about.  Deal's off.  As for Dairy Queen- well, I'm not under thirteen, and I don't have a death wish, so why on Earth would I go to Dairy Queen?