In the Second type of game, the home team always wins

Scene 1: Intensely stupid men doing something intensely stupid- I think they are playing rugby while simulataneously eating cookies.  Because you know, guys=really stupid.  This is television, after all.  Guys always equal stupid on television.

Scene 2:  Intensely stupid couples blow their hard-earned money at a casino.

As near as I can tell, Scene 2 is supposed to demonstrate an improvement over Scene 1.  Personally, I don't get it- unless one of the guys in Scene 1 ends up choking to death on his cookie, the day is probably going to wrap up with a bunch of tired, sweaty guys having done some bonding and maybe getting a few bruises and some exercise into the bargain.  Scene 2 is going to end with the couple waking up with less money in the bank than they had before, and a hangover.   That's better?

Um, GE? Maybe you shoudn't hire a biologist to talk about electricity....

Sally LePage may be an Oxford-educated biologist, but what she knows about the history of electricity could fit into a thimble.  "Ever since Benjamin Franklin introduced electricity into modern life?"  Um, really, Miss LePage?  I mean, jeeesh, there's a portrait of Thomas Edison RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

Not that Edison deserves the credit for "introducing electricty into modern life," but he sure as heck deserves it more than Ben Franklin with his worthless cell battery experiment.  Saying that Franklin deserves credit for making electricity part of modern life is kind of like crediting DaVinci for introducing the helicopter.  Um, not really.

Sandals Presents: The non-problems of Pretty White People

So...John and Suzy are so filthy-rich, clueless and entitled that they flew off for a vacation to Sandals and they BOTH forgot their wallets?  Let me guess- the servants who are usually in charge of the packing were given the day off?  I mean, WTF?

Anyway, No Worries (as usual) for John and Suzy (who apparently remembered their passports, because even John and Suzy need to show offical Government ID when they board planes, right?  Hell, maybe not...) because at Sandals, everything is included in your (I'm sure) well-earned vacation package- all your meals, all your liquor, all your entertainment-- all your souveniers?  Meh, John and Suzy don't look like they've got children, so who needs souveneirs anyway?

I get what this is supposed to be saying- "hey, you don't need money at Sandals, everything's included- you just need money to book your dream vacation.  Don't lose your wallet when you are doing that, otherwise as far as we're concerned, you might as well be poor and ugly rather than rich and pretty."

But I shudder to think who this ad is actually made for- people who are somehow very wealthy while also being stunningly careless and stupid.  Maybe the same kind of people who are in the market for cars with rearview cameras and laned-drift detectors.  Maybe the same kind of people who are in the market for Find Your Car Apps and phones which tell you how to locate your own living room.

Because, seriously- John and Suzy both forgot their wallets?  REALLY?  I have a strong suspicion that John and Suzy are trust-fund babies, or than one of them is named Hilton.  Because- man, that is gold-plated careless.

Is this really the best you can do, Heineken?

Remember when beer commercials used to feature girls in bikinis?

There are approximately 280 versions of this rock-stupid ad playing during every Major League Baseball game.  Each one is dumber than the one before, and I can't help hoping that Mr. Harris is doing this because he lost a bet, and not because he's willing to be a Jackass Pretending To Be Cute* for a few extra bucks.  At any rate, I'd still rather see this than the Hicks Screaming in Nissan ads that dominated my June baseball viewing.  Doesn't make it worth watching, though.  And it's definitely not cute or clever.

It's also an ad for a beer with the word "Light" in it's name- meaning that I know the product isn't worth consuming, either.

*(Full Disclosure- I never watched a single episode of either Doogie Howser, MD or How I Met Your Mother.  In fact, the only thing I've ever seen this idiot in is Starship Troopers, where he had a very small but significant role as a telepathic military scientist- or something.)

This still looks better than "Spy"

Sometimes, no matter how long a commercial is, there's just one scene that jumps out and sticks with me.  Sometimes I can't get past that one scene, and it becomes the only thing I comment on.  This is one of those commercials.

I really don't care about the "haha isn't this funny it kind of looks like a Lifetime Movie trailer" bit- it's been done before, it's old, it's stale, and it can just go away now.  There's nothing especially clever about disguising an ad as something else, and there's certainly nothing clever about this version.

But here's the part that really rankles- the narrator is talking about "new beginnings," inferring that it's time for someone- the scruffy suburban jackass drooling over the Audi- to get himself a new car.  Scruffy Suburban Jackass is so determined to get himself one of these sweet Audis that he's got a FOR SALE sign on what is obviously a brand new BMW.

Oh yes, we can so relate, Audi. It's so easy for this particular reviewer to relate that I hope if someone like Scruffy Suburban Jackass actually exists in real life, and if he actually manages to sell his showroom-gleaming BMW (another impulse purchase) by sticking a FOR SALE sign on the windshield (instead of, oh, I don't know, taking it to an Audi dealer as a trade-in,) he eventually grows up and stops being such a stupid, impulsive, dissatisfied idiot when it comes to his gilded yet oddly pointless life.  Or that he bursts into flames for absolutely no reason.  Either would be fine with me.

Chevy Presents another episode of "Tomorrow, The World."

At the end of this noxious pile of dung, one of the kids is so delighted at her ability to finish watching a movie while sitting in the back of an automobile that she hugs the car.  You know, like she probably hugs her mom and dad and favorite pet.  Because hey, the car comes with WiFi which means you can watch a movie while riding around in it.  What could you possibly love more?

And let's all pretend that this about the kids, and not jackass adults who want to be able to send email and watch movies and update their Facebook pages while maneuvering through traffic.  Because paying attention to the road?  That's so Pre-WiFi In the Car.

But these children ARE the future, which means that we are setting ourselves up for a generation of adults who will EXPECT WiFi in the car, just like they now expect it in airplanes (not just airports) and restaurants and coffee shops and everywhere else.  They'll tell THEIR children that there used to be these things called "Hot Spots," which meant that there used to be places without internet access, and they'll all struggle to understand the concept.

Civilization is coming to an end.  It was fun while it lasted.  Sometimes, anyway.

Xfinity Presents the Future of....umm.... "Awesome....."

Family Gathering, Before Xfinity:  Frustrated parents and frustrated kids forced to be in the same room (otherwise it wouldn't count as "family time" or a "family gathering," and Mom and Dad absolutely insist on at least twenty minutes of this every day, no excuses) desperately trying to avoid actually talking to each other (because that's not required during family time) despite the fact that their lame internet is soooo slow and they can't all stream their favorite crap at once.  If this keeps up, they might actually have to put the electronics down and god knows where that would lead to- board games?  Story-telling?  Actual human interaction?  Horrors.

Family Gathering, After Xfinity:  Everyone has lightning-fast streaming on their very own internet-connected device and Family Time is Fun Time again because it's just like Non-Family Time, except instead of being in seperate rooms they are All Together in the same room, like good families should.  Heck, I bet this contributes to even more Family Time, as long as Family Time continues to mean Everyone Is In The Same Room.

Awesome or not, I'm glad the future is for other people.  I don't want to live there.