American Flag Not Included

Here's another ad for one of those We'll Help You Keep Your House Even If You Aren't Paying For It Anymore "services."  I know it's mean, but they always kind of make me laugh- like the "behind in your taxes?" ads, the general message seems to be "just because you signed a contract doesn't mean you should have to abide by it."

The nice couple sitting on their lawn with a showy American flag in the background is clearly interested in "protecting their home" against the nasty, mean old bank which is unfairly asking them to follow through on a legal commitment and Simply Doesn't Understand That Hey Things Happen like living beyond your means- it's not like they didn't INTEND to pay the bill, they just Can't Because!  So they need a Legal Team to keep the Awful Horrible Bank off their backs.  I am not sure how this is "protecting their home"- their home doesn't seem to be in any danger.  It looks like it's perfectly safe.  Might have different people living in it soon, but perfectly safe.

As a renter who will have to inherit a house to ever own one, I have to admit I have very little compassion for people who buy houses or anything else that they can't pay for.  I know, crap happens.  But that's life.  If you buy a house and can't make the payments, how is that any different from if I buy a car and can't make payments?  The deal is simply off at that point, and I have no business complaining when the bank shows up and takes "my" car back.  Same with Bob and Suzy here, sitting on "their" lawn in front of "their" house.  It's only your house if you can pay for it, Bob and Suzy.  And if you can't?  There are apartments available on my street.  You can even bring that American Flag and fly it from your window if you want.

I hope this guy eventually remembers where the Eject button is

Seriously, what is the problem with this woman?  Either she's an emasculating horror in a nice dress or the guy she's with has a history of leaving his head on the counter as they run off to do fabulous things in his freaking Lexus.

There's evidence for Option #2 at the very end, in which the Guy Who Can Almost Remember When He Had a Little Self-Confidence (before he met this woman and started to spend his days having tiny but painfully sharp needles jabbed into him every few minutes) actually FAILS and no, doesn't quite remember where THEY parked (I put THEY in caps, because I can't help but notice that this woman never carries the invites, never carries the tickets, never makes the reservations, and apparently also pays absolutely no attention to where THEY park, because apparently all that is HIS job.  Her job?  To look good- and keep it up with those sharp needles.)  The guy who is Always On The Verge of Failing can use his phone to find the car (and openly aggressively give Miss Passive-Aggresive a yank on the arm as part of the bargain.)

But because I came up with the title of this post before I wrote it, I'm going with Option #1.   This woman is an overly snarky, demanding rhymes-with-witch who seems pretty certain that being good-looking is a license to nag.   You can do better, buddy.  She isn't that good-looking.

In the Second type of game, the home team always wins

Scene 1: Intensely stupid men doing something intensely stupid- I think they are playing rugby while simulataneously eating cookies.  Because you know, guys=really stupid.  This is television, after all.  Guys always equal stupid on television.

Scene 2:  Intensely stupid couples blow their hard-earned money at a casino.

As near as I can tell, Scene 2 is supposed to demonstrate an improvement over Scene 1.  Personally, I don't get it- unless one of the guys in Scene 1 ends up choking to death on his cookie, the day is probably going to wrap up with a bunch of tired, sweaty guys having done some bonding and maybe getting a few bruises and some exercise into the bargain.  Scene 2 is going to end with the couple waking up with less money in the bank than they had before, and a hangover.   That's better?

Um, GE? Maybe you shoudn't hire a biologist to talk about electricity....

Sally LePage may be an Oxford-educated biologist, but what she knows about the history of electricity could fit into a thimble.  "Ever since Benjamin Franklin introduced electricity into modern life?"  Um, really, Miss LePage?  I mean, jeeesh, there's a portrait of Thomas Edison RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

Not that Edison deserves the credit for "introducing electricty into modern life," but he sure as heck deserves it more than Ben Franklin with his worthless cell battery experiment.  Saying that Franklin deserves credit for making electricity part of modern life is kind of like crediting DaVinci for introducing the helicopter.  Um, not really.

Sandals Presents: The non-problems of Pretty White People

So...John and Suzy are so filthy-rich, clueless and entitled that they flew off for a vacation to Sandals and they BOTH forgot their wallets?  Let me guess- the servants who are usually in charge of the packing were given the day off?  I mean, WTF?

Anyway, No Worries (as usual) for John and Suzy (who apparently remembered their passports, because even John and Suzy need to show offical Government ID when they board planes, right?  Hell, maybe not...) because at Sandals, everything is included in your (I'm sure) well-earned vacation package- all your meals, all your liquor, all your entertainment-- all your souveniers?  Meh, John and Suzy don't look like they've got children, so who needs souveneirs anyway?

I get what this is supposed to be saying- "hey, you don't need money at Sandals, everything's included- you just need money to book your dream vacation.  Don't lose your wallet when you are doing that, otherwise as far as we're concerned, you might as well be poor and ugly rather than rich and pretty."

But I shudder to think who this ad is actually made for- people who are somehow very wealthy while also being stunningly careless and stupid.  Maybe the same kind of people who are in the market for cars with rearview cameras and laned-drift detectors.  Maybe the same kind of people who are in the market for Find Your Car Apps and phones which tell you how to locate your own living room.

Because, seriously- John and Suzy both forgot their wallets?  REALLY?  I have a strong suspicion that John and Suzy are trust-fund babies, or than one of them is named Hilton.  Because- man, that is gold-plated careless.

Is this really the best you can do, Heineken?

Remember when beer commercials used to feature girls in bikinis?

There are approximately 280 versions of this rock-stupid ad playing during every Major League Baseball game.  Each one is dumber than the one before, and I can't help hoping that Mr. Harris is doing this because he lost a bet, and not because he's willing to be a Jackass Pretending To Be Cute* for a few extra bucks.  At any rate, I'd still rather see this than the Hicks Screaming in Nissan ads that dominated my June baseball viewing.  Doesn't make it worth watching, though.  And it's definitely not cute or clever.

It's also an ad for a beer with the word "Light" in it's name- meaning that I know the product isn't worth consuming, either.

*(Full Disclosure- I never watched a single episode of either Doogie Howser, MD or How I Met Your Mother.  In fact, the only thing I've ever seen this idiot in is Starship Troopers, where he had a very small but significant role as a telepathic military scientist- or something.)

This still looks better than "Spy"

Sometimes, no matter how long a commercial is, there's just one scene that jumps out and sticks with me.  Sometimes I can't get past that one scene, and it becomes the only thing I comment on.  This is one of those commercials.

I really don't care about the "haha isn't this funny it kind of looks like a Lifetime Movie trailer" bit- it's been done before, it's old, it's stale, and it can just go away now.  There's nothing especially clever about disguising an ad as something else, and there's certainly nothing clever about this version.

But here's the part that really rankles- the narrator is talking about "new beginnings," inferring that it's time for someone- the scruffy suburban jackass drooling over the Audi- to get himself a new car.  Scruffy Suburban Jackass is so determined to get himself one of these sweet Audis that he's got a FOR SALE sign on what is obviously a brand new BMW.

Oh yes, we can so relate, Audi. It's so easy for this particular reviewer to relate that I hope if someone like Scruffy Suburban Jackass actually exists in real life, and if he actually manages to sell his showroom-gleaming BMW (another impulse purchase) by sticking a FOR SALE sign on the windshield (instead of, oh, I don't know, taking it to an Audi dealer as a trade-in,) he eventually grows up and stops being such a stupid, impulsive, dissatisfied idiot when it comes to his gilded yet oddly pointless life.  Or that he bursts into flames for absolutely no reason.  Either would be fine with me.