Not pictured: What any of this had to do with buying anything

So....when this stupid idiot was bitten by an unfamiliar watersnake, he

1.  Decided to seek out a couple of inbred, toothless hicks who coudn't speak recognizable English instead of, oh, I don't know, going to a hospital.  Maybe this particular car doesn't come with GPS or WiFi and maybe this is the only other person on the planet other than me who doesn't own a SmartPhone?

2.  Figured that no matter what the fugitives from Deliverance told him, he had been bitten by a poisonous snake.  Kind of makes you wonder why he asked.  Then again, this is a guy who still hasn't gone to a hospital to be checked out.

3.  Clearly never, ever went to a hospital and survived the snake bite out of sheer dumb luck because the snake was not, in fact, poisonous.   I don't know if he's telling this story that night, or a month later, or five years later, but he's made it quite obvious that he never consulted a professional about the snake bite.  Because he thinks that he's just immune to snake venom.

4.  Anyone else want to see this idiot continue to wade through swamps in total confidence that he's immune to snake venom?  Or is it just me?

The "Colonel" is spinning in his bucket.....

I have nothing against Darrell Hammond- though I will say that his Bill Clinton impersonation paled in comparison to Phil Hartman's- and I'm glad he's picking up a paycheck here, but that doesn't mean this isn't seriously creepy.

After all, this character comes right out and says that he IS Colonel Sanders- not an actor playing him.  Harlan Sanders has been dead for 35 years.  And even when he was alive, I don't recall ever seeing him act like this- what's with the creepy giggle?

It seems to me that if you are going to have an actor impersonate a dead person, that actor is kind of required to have some respect for the character and stay within the actual parameters of the character's actual personality.  Hey, KFC- I'd much rather see old commercials featuring the actual guy, but barring that, at least spare us this Circus Clown Pretending To Be The Long-Dead Face of the Franchise bit, ok?  Because jeeesh, this is tacky.

AT&T ramps up the dumb

I guess the message here is that you better have a tablet and this special package from AT&T because otherwise when the first woman pitches in the Major Leagues, you might miss it?

Um, seriously, AT&T?  What- there won't be any televisions by the time that happens?  Or AT&T will have a monopoly on mass entertainment and won't let us witness this particular event in history unless we are paying for this service?

Tell you what- if that's the case, then when the first female pitcher is drafted by a Major League Baseball team, I'll sign up, ok?  Until then- why would I pay for this?  It's not my fault you blew money paying some ad firm to whip up this junk; you can't convince me I'm supposed to chip in for it.

The most revolting Arby's commercial of all time

Let's imagine a slight rewrite of this ad:

"So, you're Jewish.  Ever be super-tempted to indulge in delicious, sizzling-hot maple-cured BACON?  Well, we have help for you- call-------"

I'd love to meet the person who green-lighted this insulting, smarmy, just plain rude thirty seconds of noxious crud.  Hey, Arby's?  I'm not a vegetarian.  But I'm also not into processed, heavily-salted Grade C "meat" encrusted in fat and sliced so thin as to be practically transparent.  And I'm especially not into mocking someone's deeply-held beliefs in order to peddle heart-unfriendly junk "food."  I'm pretty sure that there are plenty of vegetarians who are often tempted to indulge in animal products.  I'm also quite POSITIVE that not ONE of them has ever fallen off the wagon at an Arby's.

What's the matter, Arby's?  Market share plummeting?  Because there's got to be some reason beyond "we just want to sell a few more Almost-Beef Sandwiches" for this atrocity.  Or maybe you think your "restaurant" is the only one that sells bacon?  Either way- I really don't care.  Get this nasty ad off my television, please.  Like most Americans, I was indifferent to your company before seeing it.  Now I can't imagine being hungry enough to patronize it.  Jackasses.

Scenes from this ad later used in an Adam Sandler film. You know, recycling garbage and all.....

I'm as liberal as they come, but this ad makes me want to rent a Humvee and drive it in circles while throwing plastic six-pack holders to unsuspecting seals.

Man, talk about hitting us over the head with an Important Social Commentary with a giant Made From 100 Percent Recycled Materials mallet.  It's repetitive, obvious, and painfully long (I can't believe it's "only" 61 seconds- I would have guessed at least two minutes.)  And for most of it all I could think was "jeesh, what a bunch of jerks these people are, they are practically stepping on this thing, and someone is finally willing to pick it up only when it rolls up against a recycling bin?"  What the hell?

American Flag Not Included

Here's another ad for one of those We'll Help You Keep Your House Even If You Aren't Paying For It Anymore "services."  I know it's mean, but they always kind of make me laugh- like the "behind in your taxes?" ads, the general message seems to be "just because you signed a contract doesn't mean you should have to abide by it."

The nice couple sitting on their lawn with a showy American flag in the background is clearly interested in "protecting their home" against the nasty, mean old bank which is unfairly asking them to follow through on a legal commitment and Simply Doesn't Understand That Hey Things Happen like living beyond your means- it's not like they didn't INTEND to pay the bill, they just Can't Because!  So they need a Legal Team to keep the Awful Horrible Bank off their backs.  I am not sure how this is "protecting their home"- their home doesn't seem to be in any danger.  It looks like it's perfectly safe.  Might have different people living in it soon, but perfectly safe.

As a renter who will have to inherit a house to ever own one, I have to admit I have very little compassion for people who buy houses or anything else that they can't pay for.  I know, crap happens.  But that's life.  If you buy a house and can't make the payments, how is that any different from if I buy a car and can't make payments?  The deal is simply off at that point, and I have no business complaining when the bank shows up and takes "my" car back.  Same with Bob and Suzy here, sitting on "their" lawn in front of "their" house.  It's only your house if you can pay for it, Bob and Suzy.  And if you can't?  There are apartments available on my street.  You can even bring that American Flag and fly it from your window if you want.

I hope this guy eventually remembers where the Eject button is

Seriously, what is the problem with this woman?  Either she's an emasculating horror in a nice dress or the guy she's with has a history of leaving his head on the counter as they run off to do fabulous things in his freaking Lexus.

There's evidence for Option #2 at the very end, in which the Guy Who Can Almost Remember When He Had a Little Self-Confidence (before he met this woman and started to spend his days having tiny but painfully sharp needles jabbed into him every few minutes) actually FAILS and no, doesn't quite remember where THEY parked (I put THEY in caps, because I can't help but notice that this woman never carries the invites, never carries the tickets, never makes the reservations, and apparently also pays absolutely no attention to where THEY park, because apparently all that is HIS job.  Her job?  To look good- and keep it up with those sharp needles.)  The guy who is Always On The Verge of Failing can use his phone to find the car (and openly aggressively give Miss Passive-Aggresive a yank on the arm as part of the bargain.)

But because I came up with the title of this post before I wrote it, I'm going with Option #1.   This woman is an overly snarky, demanding rhymes-with-witch who seems pretty certain that being good-looking is a license to nag.   You can do better, buddy.  She isn't that good-looking.